From the Book of Bolt-Action Lamentations
And truly, there will come a time when the faithful women-folk of a distant land will no longer run through the Forests of the City without protection, for the men-folk will not Exercise with them and protect them with their bulk.
And lo! A Prophet shall say, “I shall protect you, though your men-folk do not!”
And the Prophet will construct devices of cunning, colored “fashion” pink, and “red-hot” red. And some devices will be covered with the Skin of a Leopard. Others will be “matte” black, and hidden in holsters of cow skin.
The Prophet shall sell these devices for a reasonable price, and they will be Weapons that Harness the Lightning. And when their Lightning is released upon the Unbelievers, the Rapists, and other Beasts of the Forest of the City, they shall say, “ung-ung-ung!” and fall twitching to the ground.
And all the while, the faithful women-folk of this distant land shall listen to the Music of the Heavens. And they shall glory in the Songs of Prince, and the Madonna, and other Holy Crooners that are good to hear when running, for the device can hold many songs.
Read the signs yourself | The Prophets of Humor.
