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Tag Archives | not getting eaten

The Future Is Frenzied

By on November 14, 2011 in Odd Science, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Chad gets ready to test the Frink Dojigger 12...Professor Albedo-9000 Frink (the Third) was justifiably proud of his invention. It had taken him nearly 300 years of his genetically enhanced life to construct the Frink Dojigger 12. (Experimental models 1-11 proved un-viable.)

Using only the finest Moussorgsky rodent filaments and all the heavy element Poutinium available in the Liquid Fermentation Galaxy, he had constructed the first Pan-Dimensional TeleKinetic Operating System known to man.

It wasn’t perfect yet, by any means. The Moussorgsky rodent filaments only worked when fed a steady diet of Hermelin cheese and light Russian opera. And the Poutinium was playing hell with the customized Evacuation Module he’d purchased from Googlishus Industries.

And of course, he had no idea what the Frink Dojigger did yet, but he was pretty certain the twelfth model the wouldn’t de-molecularize its operator.

Pretty sure. He still thought it prudent to get his latest grad student, Chad, to try it out first.

Alltop loves light Russian opera! From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future | photo by Victoria Peckham. Originally published in November, 2007.

The Tragic Story of Larry and Wanda Pogo

By on May 16, 2011 in But is it art?, Skwibby fiction, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Larry and Wanda Pogo ...Unlike all the other inhabitants of Planet Heliumbag, Larry and Wanda were unable to levitate at will. This was a genetic problem that could not be cured with standard DNA Invasion (TM) technology, and so, they had to go through life, drearily trudging around their homeworld, which was not designed for “terrestrials” as they were so cruelly called by the indifferent, bloated citizens of Heliumbag. (Most entrances to buildings were at least thirty feet off the ground, so both Larry and Wanda learned how to climb walls and scale smooth surfaces at an early age.)

It was inevitable that Larry Pogo would one day meet Wanda Stiltskin, that they would fall in love, and find solace in one another. But nobody could have predicted that they would share their lives sixty feet up in the air, balanced precariously on SmartPoles(TM) made from a kind of nano-tubing Wanda had developed. (Ironically, Wanda invented this while she recovered from a fall trying to get into the Levitation Institute, which helped other Heliumbagians float higher than thirty feet. The fall had shattered her legs and left her paralyzed from the hips down.)

Larry was able to manipulate his SmartPole(TM) with his feet, while Wanda had a special “adaptation” for her SmartPole(TM) that she usually hid with an elegant, deeply shadowed dress or skirt. So long oblivious to their struggle to maintain just an ordinary existence, the Planet Heliumbag now made celebrities of the mercurial Larry and always-smiling Wanda. A Grand Tour of the Corporate Imperium was suggested and it was a huge success, leading to a gala performance on the homeworld of NaziWorks 3000 (The Caring Company).

Unfortunately, their SmartPoles(TM) put them at perfect snacking height for the gigantic, flesh-rending CEOs that roam the planet at will.

Alltop is also lifting. Originally published, June, 2009.

From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future | photo by OzJulian

Nudels

By on February 8, 2011 in Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Stacy is horrified by tofu

When her friends invited her to the Harry Harrison Make Room! Make Room! Noodle Bar, Stacy expected a fun night out. Perhaps they would drink too much sake, eat some noodles tinted with green dye (that they would jokingly call “soylent green”) and forget about the tiny zombies rampaging through the city.

To her horror, she was presented with tofu.

More terrifying tofu here. Thanks to Betenoir for the photo.

Giganto-Schism

By on November 30, 2010 in Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Our Lady of the Massive Legs and ...The Giganto-Schism occurred sometime just after the establishment of the Trans-Vatican and the first RoboPope, Clagnor The Irrefutably Lethal. (This was dawning of the Genetic Fruit-Topping Wars). While the people of St. Tropezia were still somewhat bemused by the dire calamities promised by the Trans-Catholic Church, they found themselves drawn irresistibly to the gigantic women of their saucy little planet, and formed the Giganto Creed.

In particular, they loved Our Lady of the Massive Legs and Leopard Skin Camisole (especially when she was bathing). The Giganto-Schism further widened when the Victoria Secret Galaxy joined the Corporate Imperium, and they unleashed their first catalog of “Euretro-Genita Coverings for the Monumental Goddess” collection upon the unsuspecting Trans-Vatican.

The Robo-Pope never recovered, especially when he discovered that several of his Death Cardinals of Extreme Planetary Retribution kept copies of the catalog under their mattresses.

Alltop also has big dreams. Originally published in 2007.

From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future | photo by Odegaard

The erotic possibilities of zombie domination

By on November 10, 2010 in Odd Science, Toulouse Le Grandfig

the erotic possibilities of zombie domination“Now listen carefully Judy, as this lesson will someday save your life.

“You see this quadrant of the parietal lobe? This is the sweet spot when it comes to zombie domination. If you can deliver even a modest blow to this part of their brain, they will be rendered inert.”

“But won’t this be at the back of their heads?” Judy asked.

“Yes. If you can’t take them out via the parietal lobe attack, you will have to destroy the entire brain, and –”

“Yes, Miss Leslie?”

“Judy, is your hand on my thigh?”

Alltop is a shovel kind of aggregator. Thanks to Foxtongue for the vintage pic. Originally published May 2009.

Survival Tips for Tiny and Polite Humans

By on February 4, 2010 in Parody & Satire, Toulouse Le Grandfig

Survival Tips for Tiny and Polite Humans

If you happen to live on one of the many planets inhabited by CEOs, you may find yourself wondering: “how do I not get eaten?”

You may also wonder if there is sunblock powerful enough to prevent dermal incineration when lanced by particle beams. (There isn’t.)

However, have you considered living underground? All you need is a pipe for air, a small amount of water, and vitamin supplements to augment your diet of worms and other burrowing creatures.

Of course, you will also need enough time to dig a hole — these inhabitants of Neebie-neebie waited until a large pack of CEOs descended on a nearby city, enslaving and devouring the hapless and (dare we say) ill-prepared tiny and polite humans. While this carnage was underway, they had lots of time to build their holes, and even a few tunnels between them, so they might breed more tiny and polite humans.

Ah, the circle of life!

Alltop enjoys their human cooked funny. From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future | photo by Duesentrieb. Originally published November 2007.