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Professor Quippy: How would you like your robot apocalypse — in replicators or gray goo?

By on January 29, 2008 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyResearchers at the Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh are trying to kill us all!

Seriously, they are excited about a project they’re working on, the goal of which is to create “swarms of microscopic robots capable of morphing into virtually any form by clinging together.”

Seth Goldstein, who leads the research project says the goal is a distant one.

Seth, Seth, Seth, have you never read any science fiction? This little science project can only end one of three ways:

  1. you won’t be successful
  2. the tiny robots will start replicating themselves mindlessly, eating all living matter on Earth and covering it with gray goo similar to the kind found in Cloris Leachman’s strainer baskets
  3. the tiny robots will become self-aware, impersonate the human form, and proceed to run amok, destroying human civilization in an orgy of dispassionate, logical carnage (probably by turning their arms into broadswords and engaging in a grand human decranialization project).

According to the New Scientist:

Ultimately, Goldstein believes his claytronic robots may one day achieve this [higher intelligence], and much more: “I’ll be done when we produce something that can pass a Turing test face-to-face,” he says. “You won’t know if you’re shaking hands with me or a claytronics copy of me.”

Personally, I’m pulling for #1. No offense Seth.

Mark’s short story, Hounding Manny, (originally published in Oceans of the Mind, Fall 2002) is a touching childhood romp about the moon, bullying and gray goo. More romping (both gooey and childish) may be found at here.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Caligula Edition)

By on January 25, 2008 in Hinky History, The Lost PowerPoints

Head of Caligula (in marble)Germanicus presents “On Campaign with My Three-Year-Old Son” (circa 15 AD) –> slide 4

  • Put him in miniature set of armor
  • Army mascot
  • They call him “Little soldier’s boots” (Caligula)
  • Isn’t he adorable?

Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus (Caligula) presents “A normal childhood” (circa 35 AD) –> Slide 3

After father Germanicus died:

  • lived with mother until the Emperor Tiberius (adoptive grandfather) banished her
  • lived with adoptive great-grandmother (Livia) until she died
  • brother Nero died in exile
  • brother Drussus died in prison (either from eating bedding or starvation)
  • went to live with Tiberius on Capri
  • good times!

Pullox the fishmonger presents “A good start” (circa 37 AD) –> Only slide

  • Lots of gladiatorial games
  • Animals sacrificed
  • He’s the son Germanicus (great general that)
  • And let’s face it, after Tiberius anyone looks good!

Lollia Paulina presents “Something’s not right with that man” (circa 38 AD) –> Slide 12

  • My husband the Emperor has been acting odd since he got sick
  • I can live with the whoring
  • Excessive killings
  • But I really wish he’d stop insisting I call him “Hercules”.

Julia Agrippina (the younger) presents “My brother is a mad, mad pig” (circa 40 AD) –> Slide 2

  • Has sex with me, Drusilla and Livilla
  • Then declared us Vestal Virgins
  • Also, he thinks he’s a god
  • Dresses up like Hercules, Apollo and Venus.

Caligula presents “I’m not crazy” (circa 40 AD) –> Last slide

  • I only kill people when they upset me
  • Like, when they call me “little boots”
  • I really hate that
  • Besides, I’m a bunch of Gods, so I can do what I want
  • Now, I’m going to make my horse a Senator.

Cassius Chaerea of the Praetorian Guard presents “He’s gotta go” (41 AD) –> Slide two

  • He calls me “noodle dick”
  • (It’s a war wound and I can’t help it)
  • Luckily, there are lots of other groups that want him dead too.

Anniversary of Caligula’s death: January 24. Here is a group that has not slept with their sisters. Photo credit: mharrsch.

Ask General Kang: Um, is it time to panic?

By on January 23, 2008 in Ask General Kang

Ask General KangYou humans still have primitive brains, so I will try to be understanding about this need of yours to panic.

One of your wisest humans wrote a book, upon the cover of which was the phrase “DON’T PANIC”. This is excellent advice, and the first thing you must learn if you ever hope to:

  • evolve
  • dabble in intergalactic travel
  • keep your portfolio intact in times of irrational exuberance and abject, lower-primate, the-leopard-is-going-to-eat-me moments of dread.

At this moment of your insignificant planet’s history, you have given a large part of efforts to an institution which (and let’s not gild the lily on this one) runs on the base emotions of greed and fear. So, on occasion, you will have to face the fear. But those of you who rise above it, who listen to the wisdom of your great prophet, will evolve.

But I suspect that not enough of you will get there before my armada arrives with its legions of uber-chimps, armed with hyper-kazoos and tutus.

Then what?

Then it’s time for you to panic.

Next time: What does it mean when your cat beats you at chess? And should he be able to levitate like that?

More reasons not to panic here.
Don't Panic!

(Photo credit: Marvin (PA))

Professor Quippy: Uh-oh

By on November 19, 2007 in Odd Science

Professor QuippyA new report from the Nuffield Council on Bioethics (UK think tank) believes that “nanny state” policies may be justified when it comes to binge drinking.

“At present the UK government is trying to encourage a sensible drinking culture,” says John Krebs, chairman of the committee that wrote the report. “But walk through ‘vomit alley’ in central Oxford on a Saturday night and you will see a conspicuous absence of it.”

Yes, Vomit Alley — a post-apocalyptic world in which gravity inexplicably increases in places, light bends, and your gut comes alive with flavor. I believe the movie is in pre-production and they’ve tapped Kurt Russell to play the lead, Angus McNasty, master of “The Sledge”.

Just don’t try to bring back prohibition, that’s all I ask.

New Scientist Story (requires subscription for full article)

Tundra’s Reviews: A Kafkaesque Nightmare with Moments of Dark Hilarity and Smug French People

By on November 17, 2007 in But is it art?, Parody & Satire

An evil HMO directorInitially, I wasn’t sure how to categorize the movie. At first I thought it might be a musical about body mutilation, but then it got a bit darker, and stranger, and quite frightening.

I guess I would best categorize SiKCO as a kind of horror movie with SF tropes and moments of absurd comedy.

It kind of meanders for a horror flick, and a lot of characters get introduced throughout the story (and yes, a lot of bad things happen to them). The one character who remains unharmed — except for a painful interview he conducts with an extremely smug French couple — is the “film-maker” Michael Moore.

The framing device for this terrifying piece of fiction is that Michael Moore is a documentary maker. The CGI experts that created this sympathetic character are geniuses — yes, the protagonist is quite horrible to look, but you can really feel his humanity coming through those pixels, so you definitely sympathize with his want to help people.

And boy, in this setting, people need help. I mean, in this movie, if you’re ill, old or poor, you do not want to need a doctor. Basically, think of the HMOs as a horde of zombies, and anyone needing healthcare as brain-food on the hoof. As (an ex-) doctor, I was quite horrified to think that those organizations would spend so much of their time and effort denying care — clearly something is rotten in Denmark.

By contrast, the protagonist visits several countries that have universal healthcare. Part of it is even filmed in my hometown, of London, Ontario. This segment of the movie is fairly accurate, though there wasn’t much mention of efforts in Canada to privatize medicine. (Mostly unsuccessful so far, thank god.)

On the whole, I found SiCKO a disturbing and somewhat moving horror/comedy, though the ending, where a bunch of Americans are treated by Cuban doctors seemed a little too far fetched to believe. I bet it drives some people nuts though.

I give this four out of five peyote buttons!

Four out of five peyote buttons

Thanks to Archer at Lawyerworldland for suggesting I watch it. | Photo of the evil HMO Directory by brian cors

Doug the neurotic invents a corollary on his daily commute

By on November 15, 2007 in But is it art?, Skwibby fiction

Revenge of the chickenOkay, I’ll admit it. I’m freaking out.

I ate at Wendy’s last night, and then I’m reading the paper today — yeah, like I do everyday on the bus — and so I’m reading the paper, and what do I see? Bird Flu! There was another breakout of bird flu in a freakin’ chicken farm in Canada!

Yeah, I know you can’t catch bird flu from a Spicy Chicken Sandwich, but still. I’m just saying that it’s a sign. It’s just a matter of time. That or the polar bears. Where the hell are they going to go when the last of the polar icecaps melt? The motherfuckers are either going to drown or head south and look for a little protein in Doug form. Spicy Doug Sandwich. Did you know the polar bear is the biggest land predator in the world? Yeah, and they aren’t going to catch bird flu. Not to mention the terrorists. If they don’t get me than for sure some crypto-Nazi is going to rendition me to somewhere where water-boarding is like foreplay.

Holy shit! It says here that some of the people working with the chickens caught Bird Flu. Oh God, I don’t want to catch BIRD FLU.

Why the hell is everyone looking so calm? Look at that dude. He’s just listening to his iPod, pretending that we’re not all about to die from an anthrax attack. It says we will right here on page three.

The bus is awfully slow today. I wonder if that’s because the driver is working with the terrorists, or maybe he has the beginnings of BIRD FLU and it’s slowing him down? All these stories keep saying it’s only a matter of time until the virus leaps from poultry to humans. Just like the terrorists. They’re going to do another big attack.

Wait.

They haven’t, have they? Maybe if the media is really covering a story like this, that reduces the chances of the thing actually happening. What if there is some sort of inverse relationship to disaster and the amount of fear churned up by the media: the more ink and airtime devoted, the less likely there will be a disaster?

Oh shit. What if there was some kind of OTHER relationship, like a corollary to Murphy’s Law? What is that? Anything that can go, will go wrong. No, that’s Microsoft’s motto. Anything that can go wrong, will.

Like, my bus is late. It can be late, so it is late. I’m going to have to run to catch my transfer. Bastards.

What if there’s some kind of corollary to Murphy’s Law? Anything that can go wrong, will, unless the media gives it saturation coverage … in which case, something else will go even more horribly wrong. Not bad. Call it Doug’s Corollary.

Finally, the bus is at my stop. Come on lady, move. I got to run.

Wait! If that is true, what is worse than BIRD FLU?

Dashing now. I’m still fast. Not young enough to fight off BIRD FLU, but still quick.

Oh my God. Ohmygodohmygod, EBOLA is worse than BIRD FLU!

Oh God, I’m going to catch some new strain of EBOLA and bleed out from they eye sockets and shit! It’s going to wipe me out like a —

[bus]

The End
Photo by Mark Lorch