politics

Happy International Worker’s Day everyone! Yep, it’s May Day, the traditional day to celebrate the worker, to dance around Maypoles, and if you’re really into it, you may even want to do some Morris Dancing. Alas, the hoopla falls on this, the 99th edition of the Carnival of Satire, but we will press forward with our cynicism anyhow:

We start with this news of recent scientific research. Dr. Tundra was very upset to read Will’s report that the Tinfoil Hat Brain Firewall Not So Secure After All.

Now, this busy worker isn’t dancing around a Maypole exactly, but she is very excited about something. And frankly, it’s kind of worryng. You’ll find the whole image at Fengtastic!, or click on the thumbnail.

Speaking of Maypoles, Swann has learned The Real Reason Hillary is Running.

While on the subject of poles with ears, Barbara Diamond informs us that Dick is obsessed with Nothin but Ass.

Ian Bowman has begun a promising list of defaults, starting with the default hobby for gainfully employed guys who are not in the habit of doing something even remotely interesting: photography.

Madeleine Begun Kane has nya, nya with: Hey Obama Sycophants, Don’t Say We Didn’t Warn You.

Sammy Benoit piles on with his terrifying dream: Barack Obama Was At The Exodus.

Huck Finn learns how Putin will save American democracy: by sending Chastity Belts to politicians.

This submission by Michael Fowke just freaked Thag out, but it was strangely compelling: Invesco Perpetual: Neil Woodford the star manager.

Greg Merrick has more financial doings with this primer on How to Completely Ruin Your Life Trying to Start Your Own Business.

While celebrating May Day, you may want to keep this news from Bloggledoggle that the Swamp Thing Actually a Hippie. Also there are indications that Batman is psychotic and Woody Woodpecker is an instigator. You heard me, an instigator.

And to finish off with some non-satire: Davexplorer made us laugh with this list of Dog Look Alike Celebrities.

And that’s it for the 99th edition! For our 100th edition, we’d like to do something a little different. We’d like you to find an example of some great satire that is not your own, and share it with us. We’ll credit both the finders and the findees. And what is satire? Someone wrote something about it once, we think. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, Ferdy’s permanent floating ping festival, and for the listings at the Blog Carnival too. Also, you may find some satire here if you dance around a bit. Warning: Alltop may cut in.

Technorati tags: carnival of satire, satire, humor, humour..

This week we mark the passing of a great actor and showman. From the homo-erotic undertones of Ben Hur to the coolest, most ass-kicking post-apocalyptic dudes (Planet of the Apes, The Omega Man, Soylent Green), Charlton Heston’s delicious sense of irony will be missed. Speaking of Soylent Green, you should consider entering The Skwib’s “Vintage Ads of Fictional Futures” contest. There are prizes and everything.

Marvel as Rickey Tells You How To Blog!

These Commandments should be disobeyed only if you want your blog to get the “die by the word” treatment of Mr. Heston’s scenery-chewing, prop-gnawing, tablet-chucking Moses.

To quote Mr. Snitch: “Now would be as good a time as any.”

Switching to politics — yes, that was irony — Rant Man relays a letter in: Job Application Denied .

On a related note, Madeleine Begun Kane has An Ode To Lefty Bloggers Who Hate Hillary Clinton.

Not that any of this debate is going away soon. R. Pettinger explains the economics of why American Voters (may) Prefer Shorter Elections (but will never get them).

Citing concerns over increased pressure from electronic traffic signals, Street Signs Unionize. Robotic reportage from eewestcoaster.

Libertarian Mike Billy has gone over to the dark side. He Wants Indentured Servants.

What about the poor benighted tax software? It’s a kind of indentured servant, but according to Mad Kane, it’s also a bit cheeky.

And on the topic of cheeky, how about this Kijiji ad for snow-shoveling services?

Roy Wilding presents Part I: “My Icons Have Fallen Off My Desktop, What do I do?”.

Jeremy Zongker presents a cartoon that answers the question: What if Everyone Practiced Universal Default?.

Mully presents Suburban unworking class hero expounds on food.

And in the not-exactly satire category, Charles H. Green has a prose Ode to Distrust. To be fair, this may actually be satire, but we’re so cynical, we think his salute to distrust is actually good avice.

And that’s it for this larger-than life edition! If you have some satire to share, please consider submitting next time. What is satire? Someone wrote something about it once, we think. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, Ferdy’s permanent floating ping festival, and for the listings at the Blog Carnival too. Also, you may find some satire here if you dig around a bit.

Technorati tags: carnival of satire, satire, humor.

Something was rotten within the Thunka Glunka Clan, and the putrid stench swirled around the vortex that was Thag.

The previously unassuming Thag.

Thag was a competent hunter, a low-key leader, once a loving partner (before his mate Onga had left him for the clan’s shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother) and a burgeoning artist.

It was Thag’s art that had caused the stench storm; in particular, a satirical painting showing how Dubyag — the leader imposed on the tribe’s hunters — had screwed the mammoth, so to speak. Thag just didn’t blame Dubyag, who was ambitious beyond his abilities. He blamed Bushenor, an influential Elder who had foisted the incompetent Dubyag on the hunters.

It had been a political decision that had caused the hunters dearly, and would, in turn, cause much hardship over the coming winter for the whole tribe. Some would die for lack of food. Just like the hunters who had met their demise in a poorly conceived hunt of a rutting (and enraged) wooly mammoth.

Since Thag’s painting had raised the issue, he was asked by the surviving hunters to speak to the Elders before a gathering of the tribe. Thag had reluctantly agreed, but he was nervous. Never before had he spoken to so many at once:

“Thag not like being center attraction,” he began, “but Thag speak must!”

The Elders were silent, though others of the Thunka Grunka Clan grumbled in the background.

“Elders make Dubyag leader of hunters. Dubyag not wise. Not Dubyag’s fault — him kicked in head by wooly rhino. Him bad leader of hunters. Some die. Mrogak learn fly when mammoth throw him from cliff. Not learn land. New Thunka Grunka with strange hairdo, Fonzag, get turned to jelly. Bad. Many hunters hurt. No meat to cure for winter. Many be hungry. Bad.”

Words were failing Thag quite seriously, but when he saw the others nodding their head — even some of the Elders — he plunged on: “all because Bushenor want me to take back Onga. All because phallus-with-ears shaman not want her any more. Bad. Not Thunka Grunka way. Thunka Grunka be not selfish!”

More grunting in agreement. It was true; for the clan to survive, everyone had to play their part. Everyone had to cooperate and sometimes, put their personal wants aside.

“Thag take Onga back, but only if Elders make him leader hunters. Only if Bushenor leave clan.”

Dead silence. It was a serious demand, for Bushenor was an old man. He would not live very long outside of the clan. But he had caused two hunters to die, and most of the others to be injured beyond the point where they could hunt big game. Many nodded when they saw the wisdom of punishing Bushenor, not his incompetent son, Dubyag.

And not a few took note that Thag did not ask for the shaman to leave, though much of this originated with his own selfishness around stealing Onga from Thag.

The Elders argued into the night, but finally agreed. Bushenor would leave the clan. But Thag would have to take Onga back, for the good of the tribe. And he would take Bushenor’s place on the council.

Both of which displeased Thag, but he acquiesced: “sometimes Thag have take one for team.”

Scientific explanation of why people need a push to cooperate. And these folks always play well with others.

Welcome to an impolite and somewhat freakish edition of The Carnival of Satire, where we discuss politics, religion, and improbable sexual positions. But first, we start with some advice for the evil masterminds of the world:

General Kang will be sure to enjoy Destructo’s Tips for Evil Staff Meetings.

Jeremy H has ‘hit’ on some important news: God Says Yes to Drugs.

Cato presents us with this feline hagiography: San Catio de Calistoga.

It’s a shame when the news cycle grinds on before we can catch all the satiric poetry from Madeleine Begun Kane. Still, her Ode To Eliot Spitzer is not to be missed.

Joe Qelqoth has been auditioning a number of Sexual Advice Columnists on the topic of Love and Marriage.

Suldog presents the death-related, political, sporty WDUH News.

Jkrane82 has been digging into the Presidential archives, and reveals Five “Lost” Presidential Emails Unearthed.

Huck Finn presents this flow chart to explain How Money Is Sucked Out of the U.S.

Mully has a useful guide to NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament.

Jeremy Zongker presents How Banks Calculate Your Transactions.

Sammy Benoit presents Hamas, Cease Fires and Bill Cosby.

Our exception for this week is: Gary Vasey’s rant: Isn’t it Fun to be British?.

And that’s it for this edition! If you have some satire to share, please consider submitting next time. What is satire? Someone wrote something about it once, we think. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, Ferdy’s permanent floating ping festival, and for the listings at the Blog Carnival too. Also, you may find some satire here if you dig around a bit. Thanks to Azrainman for his disturbing and hilarious Cyclops frog.

Technorati tags: carnival of satire, satire, humor, humour.

Thag had made his decision — he was not taking Onga back, even if the shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother, insisted. Thag could see why Weasel wanted him to take her back; Onga was driving the shaman crazy.

The flesh-pole with ears shaman insisted. And Thag refused.

Weasel then lobbied Onga’s father, Bushenior to force Thag to take her back. The Elder was fairly influential within the tribe, and he told Thag that if he did not take Onga back, he would install his son, Dubyag, as the new leader of the hunters over Thag.

“Dubyag not good hunter,” Thag said.

“Maybe,” Bushenior said, “but he’s my son, and Onga is my daughter. I can convince the other Elders that I am right.”

“What of hunters?” Thag asked. “Bad for hunters Dubyag lead them. He get kicked in head by wooly rhino. Other hunters get kicked in head. Bad for hunters.”

“I don’t care if it’s bad for the hunters. It will make you do what I want,” Bushenior said.

“Bad for tribe,” Thag said quietly.

“Only in the short term. You will buckle under.”

It ran against every instinct he had, but Thag said: “Elder can go have grunties with cave lion.”

And so Thag was relieved of his position as lead hunter, but not after inconsiderable arm twisting by Onga’s father. As Thag had predicted, the first expedition led by Dubyag was a disaster.

In a classic case of over-ambition, the brain-damaged Dubyag convinced the other hunters they should take down a big male mammoth. During rutting season. Fonzag, the newly adopted Thunka Grunka and mate to the nubile Vunga (half-daughter of the shaman), was well-liked amongst the hunters, despite his adoptive status and unusual approach to hair grooming (he spiked it with tree resin gel); Fonzag was himself turned into a kind of gel by the back left foot of the enraged mammoth.

Mrogak, the brother of Mrog (who had been killed by a cave lion the year before), discovered the wonders of flight, as the mammoth picked him up with his trunk, and flung him from the edge of the cliff they had hoped to drive the mammoth over. Mrogak, unfortunately, was not as excited by the wonders of landing.

Other hunters suffered some broken bones, bruises, and Bushenior’s other idiot son, Bejag, somehow managed to stab himself with his own spear. He would live. In shame.

Dubyag was leading from the rear, and was the only hunter not hurt, except for Thag, who had forseen the disaster, and got behind a rock big enough to be protected from the rampaging mammoth. (At least a few of the other hunters had followed his example.)

When they finally got the wounded back to the cave, and the dead buried, Thag did his first painting of humans.

It showed a wooly mammoth copulating with Dubyag, while his father watched, the Elder’s head just barely visible over the enormous pile of droppings he was buried under.

Original mammoth pic by Hughes. Mammoth amounts of dung here.

Welcome to the Carnival of Satire, where you can momentarily forget your worries about the impending meltdown of the US economy. (Stop smirking all you Albertans!)

Rickey Henderson is not only a great baseball player, but he’s financial wizard. Learn how to rise above the economic collapse with Rickey’s Stock Market Tips.

Brent Diggs has an important note about What The Promised Recession Means To You As An American. Our apologies to all the non-American readers. (May or may not include Canadians.)

Gameguy has discovered The Problem with Talking Animals. Yes, we were also surprised there was only one problem.

Elisson butts into the carnival once again with a real cracker of a story: READER.

Ben courts decranialization danger with this wonderful Potential Death Metal Album Title.

There is more information about President Bush’s package in this post by Ellis Reed than you will probably care to know: Bush’s Most Eloquent Press Conference.

Still on the political scene, Robbie Mitchell takes us deep into the Senate (ew) with this chat: what happens in estonia… “You have been invited to a conference chat with Raising_McCain and thatshillaryous1026. Do you accept? y.

O’rene Ashley continues the excellent series on How to Get Into An Ivy League School (Part 2).

Greg Merrick presents Not Only Does My Son Have A Learning Disability, He’s A Complete Idiot.

Gus presents Another irsmind.com film: “Any Given Tax Season”.

And once again, we’ll finish up with the only non-satire pick of the Carnival: Edith presents this useful information about the Three Golden Rule of Presentation by Guy Kawasaki (in YouTube video form.) Loathers and users of PowerPoint may find it especially entertaining.

And that’s it for this recession-proof edition! If you have some satire to share, please consider submitting next time. What is satire? Someone wrote something about it once, we think. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, Ferdy’s permanent floating ping festival, and for the listings at the Blog Carnival too. Also, you may find some satire here if you dig around a bit. Thanks to Erinsikorskystwart for the picture of the one-quarter-eaten Recession Special at Gray’s Papaya. ($3.50 US for two dogs and a drink.)

Technorati tags: carnival of satire, satire, humor.

It may be the length of the winter speaking, but I for one welcome our new alien overlords. Klaatu barada nikto! Welcome also, to this week’s interstellar Carnival of Satire:

Daniel Brenton has an exclusive statement from John Hordure, the director of the newly-formed League for Unified Non-cooperation with Exopolitical Enterprises (LUNEE), who reveals once and for all Why the Aliens Really Don’t Land. Bob Saget, pay attention.

What’s more baffling than UFO sightings? sweetpea has the answer: David Caruso’s “acting” ability.

Madeleine Begun Kane suggests to Dear Ralph: Go Away!. (Psst. Ralph is an alien.)

Offersave is also a poet, and this gem perfectly explains a religious crisis we’ve experienced too: I’d Like To Be A Buddhist .

It’s a well-known fact that aliens call us “monkeys”. Mind Scalpel has some interesting simian research to share, and then Amidst The Post-Valentine’s Day Rubble, Issues A Call To All Men.

Greg Merrick produces the miraculous news of an Ancient Race of Christian Man Discovered — Evolution Debunked?

Sammy Benoit says that MSNBC’s Obama/Osama Screw-up Was an Easy Mistake to Make.

If only they’d had PS3 before Iraq. Matt Howard learns that Bush and Advisors Play Team Fortress 2, Iraq War Called Off.

Speaking of Bush, O’rene Ashley has advice on How to Get Into An Ivy League School, yet did not mention anything about being born into the right family.

Chris Carter reprints a Times article Mourning A Tragic Loss.

Finally, Daniel Brenton has a sad obituary about Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster.

And that’s it for this extra-terrestrial edition! If you have some satire to share, please consider submitting next time. To the kind-hearted stranger who sent us even more soft-core Japanese porn videos, thank you, we would only share them if they’re satirical. (See “It’s all about the subtext, baby” below). What is satire? Someone wrote something about it once, we think. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, and at the Blog Carnival too. There are more aliens here.

Technorati tags:
carnival of satire, satire, humor, humour, ufo.

It’s Valentine’s Day, and what better way to express your love than to rip into something with a vicious bit of satire. (Actually, we mean, “what better way to express your love if you don’t have access to whipped topping, a recording of Bolero and a fool-proof way to occupy Iraq?”) You could start by questioning the very existence of love, or say, a state ….

According to arch-skeptic Chris, “credible evidence for the state of Pennsylvania remains elusive”, and he takes us through his compelling case in: A Skeptical Look at Pennsylvania. We would like him to debunk the myths of Winnipeg and love next.

Mind Scalpel has more precision blogging for us in his proof that One Frenchman Beats A Hundred Monkeys.

A horrifying fact, but what about Blue Sunshine’s insightful ideas about Horror Movies? Can they really make people uncomfortable in every situation known to man?.

FitBuff reports on an actual scientific study of the Seinfeldian term: Double Dipping. As far as we can tell this research was not conducted in Pennsylvania, so it is statistically reliable.

Newsflash: Fair at Radiactive Liberty has jumped on the Obamawagon!

Bloggledoggle has news of some interesting research that shows some 1980s Video Game Cause Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in Kids born in that era. We are somewhat skeptical, as the research is from someplace called “Philadelphia” (Pennsylvania).

M’, yeah, I’m going to need you to go ahead and work this weekend … disgruntledemployee stuffs the suggestion box.

Speaking of stuffing. And suggestions. Charles H. Green claims that he did not make up this Conversation with a Spambot, but we have our doubts.

Joe Canzano is also experiencing some work issues, as relayed in his Yearly Review

Oscar DaGrouch has a modest (and disgusting) proposal for ending world hunger: Fat transplant surgery.

Jay Groce has this ironic take on how to Make Money Blogging.

Avant News has this report: Citing Faltering Economy, Lawmakers to Forego Cocktails.

jim presents Whirled News Tonight - Illinois Presidential Primary Yields Surprises.

Sammy Benoit explains more political shenanigans in the US: Why Rush and Ann hate McCain- the real reasons.

Dr. Deb has an adorable video about What Therapists REALLY Do In Between Sessions.

This gives us a chance to include a non-satire post from TherapyDoc. (And let’s face it, if you’ve read every post to this point, you will need some help now.) What ‘Faking It ‘Til You Make It’ Really Means

And that’s it for the VD edition! If you have some satire to share, please consider submitting next time. Remember, TherpyDoc’s post is an exception, and we’re looking for satire. To the kind-hearted stranger who sent us soft-core Japanese porn videos, thank you, but we’re looking for satire. Someone wrote something about it once, we think. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, and at the Blog Carnival too. A special thanks to Boodoo for the image at the top and to humor-blogs.com for putting the “gei” into geisha.

Technorati tags:
carnival of satire, satire, humor, humour.

It’s that time of the political calendar. Here in Canada we’re still waiting to see when the next election will be, but in the meanwhile, there is the US Presidential Primaries to enjoy. Depending on your viewpoint (and what kind of cake you’ve been eating), the process will make you feel either very big or very small:

DWSUWF gets us the mood for whimsical fantasy (like you’re not always in the mood for it) in: The Hero and the Queen of Darkness - A Fairy Tale for Our Time. Warning: the accompanying image is kind of graphic and disturbing.

Fiar shows us the rabbit hole (no that’s not some kind of nasty euphemism) with this Exclusive Interview with John Edwards.

David Mills takes us through the rabbit hole in this tale of the Return of the… EXCEPTIONAL 4!.

At the Borowitz Report, more Mad-hatted political news as a Gay Tiger Attacks Huckabee.

Ken G. introduces us to the Queen of Hearts when he forwarded us this email: FW: FW: FW: HILARY DIANE RODHAM CLINTON.

Escaping Wonderland, The Dopple Gang takes us on a sci-fi-tropic ride of satire in: Your Entry-Level Job Skills Are the Only Thing That Can Save the Universe.

Living Off Dividends has discovered this Hilarious Indian Telemarketeer Spoof Video.

It’s shocking. Rambo refuses to answer Rickey’s questions. Rickey should be grateful the Mumbler didn’t answer with his fist.

Aaron R is questioning if the polar bear is really Endangered?, particularly in relation to their available food supply.

chris has another video for us: Red Bull - Last Will.

Avant News presents: President Bush Remains Mute Throughout 2008 State of the Union Address.

“Professor” Reginald Isley presents What Would You Do For a Klondike Bar? (a double-speak analysis).

Sammy Benoit presents UN Human Rights Council’s List of APPROVED Gaza Solutions.

And to take us out on a final note of the surreal, this hilarious parody of the Tom Cruise Scientology Video (located here, if you haven’t already subjected yourself to its warped genius), is Jerry O’Connell:

And that’s it for the Wonderland edition! If you have some satire to share, please consider submitting next time. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, and at the Blog Carnival too. A special thanks to humor-blogs.com for throwing regular mad tea parties.

Technorati tags:
carnival of satire, satire, humor, humour.

Welcome to the travel edition of the Carnival of Satire. We haven’t been on a plane for a few months, so we were surprised to see the new overflow seating policy of Air Canada. (Pictured to the left.)

Chris Christensen starts off this fortnight’s satire with these 7 Outrageous Predictions for Travel in 2008.

Madeleine Begun Kane takes us on a poetical politics ride with this funny A Liar’s Haiku and a limerick crying for sanity: Dear Editor: Enough With The Polls, Already!.

DWSUWF has run a grand social experiment in identity: what would happen if a Democrat became a Republican in San Fancisco? Find out in Republican Like Me

Stop the presses. Damian G. breaks this news: Ron Paul disavows bigoted statements written on campaign blimp..

Quelqoth reports on the Comfy Chair Fiasco.

But back to Republicans. Bagel has coined a new phrase and put it on a toke bag: “You say ‘lemming’ like that’s a bad thing.” Sorry, toTe bag.

The Offended Blogger has begun the Oh, Bloody Hell Offensive (against the testosterone travel industry, we think).

200motels presents Mexican wrestling: CHUCHA LIBRE!.

Sidhusaaheb has a modest proposal: Auction the Bharat Ratna!.

Speaking of India, Jason X presents The Onshore Alternative.

And the LOLcat phenomenon has now also branched out to Animal Planet, thanks to The Silent LOL.

Andrew Hendel believes he has the Top 10 Best Reasons To Not Work Out at the Gym, but the list neglects the most important reason — they don’t serve beer!

Steve has an entertaining and sarcastic review of The Year in Television 2007 .

And if all of this wasn’t enough, we have also learned that LOBO hates Hittites. Just sayin.

And that’s it for this edition! If you have some satire to share, please consider submitting next time. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form; and the listings at the Ubercarnival, humor-blogs.com, and at the Blog Carnival too. A special thanks to Odegaard for his excellent Photoshop work.

Technorati tags:
carnival of satire, satire, humor.