robopope

VATICAN CITY (The Skwib) — In the ecclesiastically chaotic schism between the Pope at the Vatican and the RoboPope at Avignon, the warring Popes have been able to agree on one thing: there is no room for a SinoPope.

Both the Vatican and Avignon Holy Fathers have excommunicated two bishops ordained by China’s state-controlled church without papal consent.

The state-conrolled quasi-religious Communist-Catholoic church — the Chinese Patriotic Catholic Association — announced that it was splitting from both Vatican- and Avignon-based Holy Fathers, was constructing its own android Pontiff to lead the Chinese “Catholics”.

A press release stated that the so-called SinoPope, would be superior in design to RoboPope, and that its organic components would include brain tissue cultured from the Chairman (Mao Zedong), thus ensuring its political purity and popularity with the Chinese people. (According to the Chinese schematics for their robotic religious leader, other organic parts must be replaced frequently, and thus will come from tissues harvested from recently executed “criminals”.)

Chinese officials have said they expect the SinoPope will be 70 percent infallible, and that the 30 percent fallibility is an acceptable loss.

RoboPope told The Skwib in telephone interview that “SinoPope can kiss my shiny metal ass.”

The Vatican did not return our phone calls.

RoboPope saga:
RoboSchism | Avignon releases Robopope schematics

Share

ROME (The Skwib) — Last night more than 75,000 faithful assembled in St. Peter’s Square to worship at a special ceremony. Instead they witnessed the beginning of a new schism in the Catholic church.

All seemed to be going to plan as Cardinal Camillo Ruini, vicar-general for the diocese of Rome, read the liturgy of the rosary. Then the lights went out dramatically, and Pope Benedict XVI appeared in the papal apartments, a scarlet cloak draped over his white soutane.

Before he could say anything, a spotlight came on, pointed towards the entrance to St. Peter’s Basilica. The whir of motors and the clanging of metal feet thumped for a moment before RoboPope appeared before the astonished masses.

Its deep, robotically augmented voice blessed the crowd, and then proceeded to accuse Benedict XVI of usurping papal authority, and pronounced him ultra vires, or without powers.

The light went out in Benedict’s apartment, and members of the Papal Swiss Guards appeared in the spotlight near RoboPope. (The guards were not dressed in their traditional uniforms, but wearing modern combat armor and bore automatic weapons.)
When they appeared, RoboPope said, “alea iacta est” and opened fire with its automatic pistol.

Its sonorous voice could be heard even above the screams of the crowd, as it blessed the guard amongst the staccato rhythm of its eerily accurate marksmanship, sounding like: “brrrrr-at-at-at … dominus vobiscum … brrrr-at-at-at … ego te absolvo ….”

The surviving guards in the papal palace were able to rally and, using the terrified crowd as cover, were able hold off the robotic pontiff with massed small arms fire. When the Swiss guard managed to set up heavy machine guns and their rocket-launchers, even the high-impact titanium exoskeleton of the resurrected cyber-cleric could not withstand the firepower, and it was driven from St. Peter’s Square.

There are reports that RoboPope and his “Bishops of Death” have set up a rival court in Avignon, reminiscent of the Papal Schism in 1378.

Share