Tag Archives | shaman

Thag sleep on it!

Sleeping on itIt had finally happened. No, the Thunka Grunka Clan was not about to finally get rid of that walking meat stick, the shaman Weasel-Scratch-Face Brother. It was not nearly such good news.

His ex-mate, Onga, had finally got on the shaman’s nerves.

Onga had left Thag for the shaman nearly a season ago, and in a strange way, they had been good times for Thag. He’d become the leader of the hunters. He’d discovered art — in the form of cave painting — and this artistic flowering had garnered him even more respect. (And nookie.)

But now the shaman was demanding that Thag take Onga back. This was a problematic request. First of all, Onga was pretty sure that she didn’t want Thag back. (She had, after all, left Thag of her own accord, even after he did everything he could to make her happy.) Secondly, Thag was absolutely sure that he didn’t want Onga back, even if he had to admit that his dalliances with some of the eligible women of the tribe were not as sexually satisfying as his long-term relationship with Onga.

A further complication was that in the summer the Thunka Grunka Clan were going to the Gathering, a conclave of clans that only happened once every few years. This was an excellent time to procure a new mate, or if nothing else, really party down.

On the other hand, Onga’s father, Bushenior, was one of the Elders, and he carried a lot of sway with the tribe. Things might get uncomfortable if the Elder decided to take a stand against Thag. There was already talk that he’d have the hunters accept his son Dubyag as the new leader of the hunters. This would be a disaster, as Dubyag was a cretin even before he got kicked in the head by a wooly rhino. So, there was the other hunters to consider — would he consign them to poor leadership, injury and possibly death, just because he didn’t want Onga back?

It made Thag’s head hurt, and there was no easy way to make the decision. Even his art was suffering, he noted, as the horse he was trying to draw ended up having five legs.

He would sleep on it. Ever since he was little, he always made better decisions after a good night’s sleep.

But first, perhaps that nubile Blodja would like to go for another “walk” in the forest.

Did you know that it was best to sleeping on it for making the best of complex decisions? Sleeping by fatal cleopatra. And humor-blogs.com is anything but sleepy. Alltop neither. Originally published 2006.

Thag not grok god!

Rainclouds with rainThe natural world was not a mystery — when it rained, they got wet. If they were in the mountains, rain was dangerous because it would swell the streams, making them difficult or impossible to cross. Rain made hunting more difficult, as it tamped down the signs of prey.

For Thag, these things were evident, not a cause of mystery. They were cause and effect.

But for others in the Thunka Grunka Clan, rain was one of a thousand mysteries that only their shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother, could guide them through, as he did that morning, while a deluge teemed outside the cave.

“So where does the rain come from,” the shaman asked. It was a rhetorical question — even Dubyag, the unfortunate hunter who had been kicked in the head by an enraged wooly rhino knew that.

“The rain,” Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother paused for dramatic effect, “comes from the Sky God.”

Thag snorted. He could not help himself. “Come from sky. What be this god?” he asked the shaman, not at all rhetorically.

“A God is the Prime Force. The powerful being that causes such things as rain to happen. There are many Gods. Sky. Earth. Water –”

“So why Water God not make rain?” Thag asked.

There was a rustle in the assembled Thunka Grunkas. That WAS a good question. Why was rain from the Sky God, not the Water God?

“Because it comes from the sky,” the shaman answered patiently. Others nodded in understanding.

“What when rain come in face — from side?” Thag asked. All of the hunters knew this phenomenon, especially when they made it out to the steppes, hunting the mammoth.

“It is only coming sideways because of the Wind God,” Weasel said. He was getting upset. “It still falls from the Sky God first.”

“So rain come from sky god, unless wind god make go sideways. Then take wind god. What when rain hit calm pond and bounce out of water? Then water god make that?”

Shaman nodded his head in agreement.

“So rain come from sky god, unless wind god, or water god make do something to rain? What else rain do?”

“It freezes sometimes,” a helpful Dubyag suggested.

“Oh, and it sometimes doesn’t hit the ground, even though you can see it falling,” another hunter said.

“So make cold god and earth god sometimes help rain,” Thag said as he counted fingers. “So sky, wind, water, earth, cold . . . five gods for rain. Maybe rain just rain.”

Everyone in the Thunka Grunka Clan laughed.

“No, you don’t understand,” the shaman said. “It is a mystery known only to the Thunka shaman.”

“Mystery is why listen to you. Rain come from somewhere. Must be simple answer. Better answer,” Thag said, pleased to have won this argument. “Let’s groom.”

The group seemed to think that was a good idea, and spent the rainy afternoon grooming one another. Even his estranged mate, Onga, joined him in the activity — the first time in many months.

Thag could hear the shaman’s teeth grinding above the din of the rain.

Details on How evolution found God. These folks grok comedy. Photo by Gabu-chan. Originally published 2006.

Thag not wear hair gel!

Thag not wear hair gelIf he were honest, Thag would say that his affair with the nubile Vunga, the half-daughter of the shaman, could not last forever.

Not only was she was at least ten years younger, but eventually the Thunka Grunka clan would demand that he and Onga — his actual mate — start warming sleeping furs together lest the delicate sexual balance of the cave be upset.

He did NOT anticipate that the clan would adopt a knew beau for Vunga, but then again, her half-father, that foreskin with a forehead, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother was in a position to smooth the way for a new hunter to join the clan, and he did.

Not that Thag was upset with Fonzag himself. Though he was quite short, he was a competent hunter; the rest of the hunting party got along with him too, though he occasionally worried them with the way he would celebrate a hunting victory, by turning his thumbs upward and issuing his trademark cry: “heyyyyyy!” And apart from this quirk, Fonzag’s only other failing (as far as Thag could tell) was an affectation he had with his hair, which he wore in a strange fashion.

The diminutive Fonzag liked to shave the sides of his head, and he made the remaining hair stick up like the spikes of a porcupine by using some kind of noxious combination of tree resin and animal fat. After a few hours in the sun, it gave off quite the stench, but so far it hadn’t scared off any prey.

On the contrary, it had captured the delectable, if fickle, attentions of Vunga, who had been sharing slappies with Thag because she enjoyed his cave art. But no more, now that she had Fonzag’s bristly locks to capture her attention.

Briefly, Thag thought about styling his hair the same way, but then he noticed the wayward look in Blodja’s eye. It seemed that she too was an “admirer” of cave art.

The fact that she was Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother’s younger sister had no impact on Thag asking her for a “walk” in the woods to discuss his work. Oh no, none at all.

More details about a prehistoric bog man who liked to slick back his with hair gel. Some of these people also have questionable grooming habits. Originally published January 2006.

Thag do art!

horse cave paintingEver since he’d started making the cave paintings, Thag had noticed that the women in the Thunka Grunka clan had been looking at him differently.

Perhaps it was his position as the leader of the hunting party, but he thought it had more to do with his artwork.

Whatever the case, he was gettin’ some on a regular basis.

Nominally, he was still mated to Onga, but she had all but deserted him for that scrotum-with-eyes shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother. In fact, it had been Onga’s desertion, and his ensuing depression, which had spurred Thag into creating more artwork for the cave.

The younger unmated women of the clan seemed to like his deft representations of the animals they hunted, particularly Vunga, the half-daughter of the Shaman.

“It looks so spiritual,” Vunga would say whenever he completed a painting.

“Thag suffer for art,” he confided, looking pained, unsure, filled with angst.

“Oh, poor Thag,” Vunga would say, and then take him by the hand so that they could go for a “walk” in the forest.

On such occasions, Thag could swear he could hear the sound of Weasel’s teeth grinding from his shaman’s perch outside the cave.

“Thag do art for Vunga tomorrow,” he would promise as they walked into the shaded trees, her hips swaying like the boughs in the breeze.

You can discover more about Sex and the single artist here. Other sexy beasts here. Originally published 2005

Thag do meditation!

Cave lions.  The only good thing about was that they didn't hunt in groups.  Usually ...Every morning before they started the hunt, Thag would sit down away from the others, close his eyes, and listen to the wind. It was more than that, but that is what he told the other hunters. Really what he did was sit, and let his mind go blank.

At first it would be filled with thoughts and concerns — mostly about Onga, his mate, and his running feud with that phallus-with-ears shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother. He would not concentrate on those thoughts, but let them wash away, and eventually, his mind would loosen, and he could hear the wind distinctly; its whooshes and gusts, its whispers, and then the smells would come to him.

This morning ritual heightened his ability to sense the prey.

In stark contrast to Thag, Gnock had another way of preparing for the hunt. This ritual involved a lot of shouting, and banging the shaft of his wooden spear against his head, numbing himself to pain, and more importantly, fear.

Gnock had been doing this since his brother Grunk had been killed by the wooly rhino.

One morning, Thag came back from his meditation earlier than usual, and told the other hunters: “go higher ground, upwind. Smell cave lions. Many.”

“Many hunting us?” asked Vlog, one of the sharpest hunters.

“Un,” Thag confirmed.

This was bad news indeed. Cave lions did not normally travel in groups, and they would not fear the humans if they had numbers on their side.

“Much goodly!” Gnock, who had stopped bashing his melon long enough to hear this news, said.

“You mammoth gas sniffing?” Vlog asked Gnock.

Gnock just grinned insanely, and said, “hunt us cave lion!” Then he started shouting: “here cave lion. Lion, lion, liiiiiii-on!”

“Gnock be quiet,” Vlog hissed.

Gnock ignored the sensible suggested: “Lion, lion, liiiiiii-on!”

Thag had been meditating, but if anything it made his reaction quicker. He used his own spear to whack Gnock on the back of the head, much harder than Gnock had been doing to himself.

The shouting stopped, but the trouble was just starting. The wind stopped blowing for a moment, and Thag heard something. He told the others: “they come. Climb trees.”

Vlog looked at Gnock and said, “what him?”

Thag looked down sadly at Gnock, and just shook his head. “Not time carry up tree.”

Scientific evidence: Meditation builds up the brain | Gene turnoff makes meek mice fearless. Other head-knockers and skull bangers here. Originally published 2005.

Thag scared at that time of month!

A frightened cavemanThag whistled while he packed for the next trip. He liked to organize short hunting expeditions for a certain week of the month — even if there was little chance of finding game — as it was a good idea to be away from the women-folk of the Thunka Grunka Clan during this specific week.

This made Thag extremely popular amongst the other hunters (that and his steady, sure hunting leadership), but it made him extremely unpopular with the men-folk who were too old or too young to take part in the hunt.

In particular, the shaman, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother, did not like this practice. He knew what it was all about. Certain of the women folk tended to be a bit . . . sensitive and critical . . . during this week. Thag’s mate, Onga, was one of the women who seemed more afflicted by this phenomenon. And when Thag was not around to do her bidding, Weasel became the defacto mate. (As he did for many of the women in the clan while their actual mates were away.)

“Ah, Thag, there you are,” Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother said as he came into Thag and Onga’s section of the cave. “I have some ill news for you.”

“What is that?” Thag said. He did not like the shaman, who was always trying to couple with his mate.

“There are bad omens. I fear you will be unable to go hunting this week.”

Thag thought for a moment. This was a direct challenge to his position as the leader of the hunters. It was not the shaman’s place to tell them when to go hunting, though he was traditionally consulted. On the other hand, if Weasel said there were bad omens, then the more superstitious hunters would not want to leave.

“Thag!” Onga shouted at him from the cave entrance. “Get over here!”

“I’m sorry there bad omens, Weasel-Scratch-Face-Brother, but not your place to force us stay. We take care, but we go,” Thag said. There. Decision made.

A few other women started shouting at their mates. It was beginning. Thag couldn’t figure out why it affected some, while leaving others untouched. It was a mystery.

That almost all the hunters left on the trip with him was not a mystery; bad omens just didn’t compare with a cave full of cranky women.

Modern-era scientific musings that the brain ‘buffer’ may control premenstrual moods. More nervous hunters and ranting gatherers here.

Originally published 2005.