Look at this Richard. Just look at it: [see image 1, above].

I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in …

You can find the full letter here.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com really enjoy their mustard.

I’d say this is a worthy addition to his canon. But like his other work, PYGMY isn’t without its challenges. It’s dark, visceral, and dripping with various bodily fluids.

PYGMY follows the misadventures of Agent Number 67, sent to the American Midwest by an undisclosed Maoist dictatorship to inflict “Operation Havoc” on the corrupt, fat and stupid running dogs of Imperialism known to us as the American people. He and a number of other agents have been sent in a student exchange program.

At first, you might find the way the story is told to be quite a hurdle. Pygmy (so named by his host family because of his short stature) tells the story in a series of dispatches to his government, using a kind of pidgin English. I got used to it within a chapter or so, but there are occasional paragraphs that are so dense with description you will definitely have to read them twice to understand what he’s really trying to say. For example:

“Traversing dark environment en route destination, surrounded mating cry cricket, croak of bulls frog, lecture this agent concerning France missive entitled Le Defi Americain. How admonish intellectual elite over manner United States numerous multinational corporation Kodak, Gillette, General Motor endeavor tangle entire globe ensnared tentacles sucking wealth for digest and fatten parent sovereign American nation, leeching life energy addition opportunity during render subject nation stripped resources and native cultures.”

But when Pygmy’s voice works, it really sings. I found the book came to life in the scenes where Pygmy describes traditional high school rituals, such as Glee Club, the Model United Nations, school dances, and the adolescent ritual of dodgeball:

“Commencement of ritual, physical superior males select best combatants for accompany into battle, thus ranking all from most-best to least desirable for reproduction during females note close attention. Next then, divided males engage violent assault upon each opposite army, battering with inflated bladders latex rubber.

“Over course conflict, males boasting superior musculature inflict injury upon males typical of superior intellect, although suffering inferior height-to-weight ratio, body mass index, and stature.

“At completion dodgeball ritual, females made full aware which males present most-desirable physical traits. Vanquished males culled by injury, weak reproductive citizens force self-select, redirect, instead impregnate mates, procreate offspring, instead channel aggressions chess club, focus sexual ambitions science club.”

And it is the Science Fair that is the focus of Pygmy and the other agent’s “Operation Havoc” — for Pygmy, this is not just because of his orders, but because his host sister, “cat sister” as he calls her, is also working on a science project for the fair, and while she works on it, he falls for her. (She is one of the few Americans for whom he has any respect.) Yes, this is a kind of love story in addition to being a satire.

In many ways, this is a more broad satire than I’ve seen in other Palahniuk works, but I enjoyed the farcical nature of some of the scenes — I laughed out loud in a few places. Also really enjoyed the double-edged nature of the satire, which is always the best kind. It makes fun of American culture and in some ways, the satire of totalitarianism is just as savage. (You don’t see many books opening with a quote by Hitler.)

I’d recommend it, with the proviso that you should check out the sample chapter [pdf link], to see if the way the story is told will work for you.

Oh, and don’t stop reading at chapter two — the anal rape scene is a central plot point, so it’s not gratuitous. (Perhaps some of the description, but not the event itself.)

You can learn more about the book at Chuck’s official website, and there are more reviews available at Goodreads.

You know what dodgeball team Alltop and humor-blogs.com play on.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are the Jets and Sharks of the comedy world.

Six: Hockey

If you are familiar with Canada, you may have heard something about hockey — or ice hockey, as it is known in countries where other, sissified forms of hockey are more popular. Hockey is quite possibly the most important thing in Canadian culture. Did you know that most Canadians emerge from the womb clutching a tiny hockey stick? Did you also know that infants who do not have a hockey stick when they are born are given one by the National Hockey Commission? It’s true. (Though quite often the Canadian babies born without hockey sticks must have it duct-taped to their tiny fists.) Hockey was invented by Canada’s first PM, John A. “The Madman” Macdonald and his Association of Really Ripped Gentlemen (ARRG) in 1847 (the same year the Canadian parliament was built in Ottawa). Hockey permeates Canadian society the way that guns permeate US culture. When there is no ice to play on, Canadians make do with roads, sidewalks and abandoned tennis courts to play their favorite game. There are probably about 29-million people playing hockey right now in Canada. (The other four million are either too infirm or too drunk to play, or they are part of the small percentage of selfless Canadians who keep our various hockey-supporting infrastructures serviced, including the universal hockey injury health service, the power grid, and of course, the lumberjacks who chop down the trees we use in the creation of hockey sticks.)

Seven: Timmys

Almost as important as hockey, Timmys, or Tim Hortons, is Canada’s national coffee chain. (It may be no surprise to learn that Tim Horton was a legendary hockey star, capable of decapitating his opponents with one slash of his razor-sharp hockey stick.) Timmys is best known for its highly addictive coffee, made from the distilled sweat of NHL hockey players, ultra-caffeine, phenylcyclohexylpiperidine (rocket fuel), and one supposes some form of coffee bean, though the dark coloring may be provided by some kind of cocaine-based food dye. Timmys coffee is powerful enough to wake even a thoroughly hung-over hockey dad at 4 am, as he attempts to deliver his hockey-addled progeny to a 5 am practice.

Eight: International Stars

You may not realize this, but one of Canada’s major exports is international stars. In fact, fully 63.2% of our Gross Domestic Product is the result of remittances from our international stars. What stars am I talking about? Well, the Department of International Entertainer Breeding has been most successful at creating three kinds of super stars:

• female singers:(Celine Dion, Joni Mitchell, Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morrisette, Shania Twain … etc.
• comics: Dan Akroyd, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Howie Mandel, Lorne Michaels, most of Second City, the Kids in the Hall … etc.
• actors: Michael J Fox, Kiefer Sutherland, Keanu Reeves, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Rachel McAdams, Seth Rogan etc.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for this, but really, what choice do we have? We would go broke without them. Though we really are very, very sorry about Celine.

Nine: The CBC

Many of you may have heard of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, which is purportedly Canada’s national broadcaster, running services in both English and French; the CBC has television and radio stations across the country. This, is, of course, a front. In fact, the CBC are highly trained cadre of scientists, weapon-specialists, and blade-wielding warriors who keep Canada safe from another outbreak of zombies. (This is always a danger, particularly in the summer months after the NHL hockey season is over, when Canadian men, in particular, are prone to fits of zombie-ism.) Without the brave and tireless work of the CBC, Canada would have long been overrun by zombies. Even so, some taxpayers think it would be nice not to have to pay for CBC TV.

Ten: William Shatner

William Shatner is a national treasure, so he gets his own category. It is just a matter of time until we have a National Holiday named after him. (Personally, I think we should have some kind of break in February.)

Here is some classic “stylings” of Bill, performing Rocketman:

Click here to view the embedded video.

And here is Bill’s send up of the I AM CANADIAN rant:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Part One: History

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are honourary Canadians.

Thanks to Iragerich for the baby-hockey evidence, Loimere for the Timmys cup, UltimateGraphics for the Pammy pic.

Note: we may have different interpretations of what the word “indisputable” means.

One: The Vikings

The first Europeans to arrive in Canada were the Vikings, in 1009, making this the 1000-year anniversary of this important (factual) historical event. Their leader, Leif The Abrasive, was told by several Irish monks that a “vast and rich land” lay across the Atlantic Ocean. Leif, who was torturing them at the time, took them at their word and immediately launched a massive invasion. Many of the longboats sank in the crossing, but the core band arrived in Newfoundland (which the Vikings hopefully called “Vinland”, as they expected to find many fine wines in this new world — a hope which would not be fulfilled until the early 1990s.) Initially, the Viking settlement was successful, winning several Juno Awards — a kind of Canadian Grammy — but soon they split because of “creative differences”. Little was heard of them afterwards, but one of the members later had an interesting show about the early days of Viking rock on CBC Radio.

Two: Other Invasions

The next massive invasion came from the French, who had an insatiable thirst for beaver. Eventually, the British invaded too, declaring that they too had a hunger for “beaver and other pelts”, but really they were just jealous of the French, who were so good at trapping and mating with the cute, industrious rodents. Throughout this period, the aboriginal populations of Canada (erroneously called “Indians” because of the navigationally challenged racist Christopher Columbus), tried to cope with their perverted new neighbors, though they never understood them.

Three: Canada” does not mean “village”

Many people believe the name Canada is based on the Iroquois word “kanata” or “village.” The sad truth is Canada is named after Lord Alfred O. Canada, the first Twit Plenipotentiary sent by the British Crown to rule over the beaver-addled country with an iron fist (he’d lost his original hand in the Battle of Ipswich — fought between the Dutch, the French and the British over who was going to pick up the check at the annual Let’s Rape the New World Convention and BeaverFest) and his laser-beam-firing eyes. (He is a ancestor of Queen Victoria.) Though he was a twit, his powerful eyes were capable of leveling cities and the primitive flintlocks used at the time could not penetrate the force shield he was able to generate with the power of his idiocy. He fed himself on a steady diet of French babies and British virgins (who were plentiful in the Age of the Pox). Many were lost in the battle against the depredations of Lord Alfred or “he who should not be named”, but eventually, he was tricked into getting into a canoe just upriver of Niagara Falls. (The clever rebel force had placed a sign on the canoe that said, “fresh French baby here”.) When he was in the canoe, confused by the lack of baby, the plucky freedom fighters pushed the canoe into the swift current. The heroic rebels were vaporized by Lord Alfred’s fiery gaze, but their plan had succeeded: the Twit Plenipotentiary fell to his death as not even his incredibly stupidity field could save him. Niagara Falls is a venerated site because of this history, and most Canadians will, at some point, make the pilgrimage to Niagara Falls where they will watch with reverence as they gaze at the power of the natural wonder for at least five minutes. They will then spend the afternoon looking at freaks. Canadians decided to take the name that they has formerly been afraid to utter, and use it to remind themselves of their resilience and fortitude. Furthermore, early Canadians immortalized this story by turning it into Canada’s national anthem:

O. Canada,
You evil, nasty man,
Never again will babies be e-a-ten!
With glowing hearts we see thee fall
Thy hand of iron a weight.
From far and wide, O. Canada
With you we’re quite irate.
God keep our land, British twit free!
O. Canada we stand on guard from thee.
O. Canada we stand on guard from thee.

Four: The National Capital Region

Despite the victory over Lord Alfred O. Canada, the British Crown continued to make decisions for thepeoples of Canada — they just stopped sending the twits here, and made their determinations in the UK; this is why the capital of the country is in Ottawa. Sitting on the south bank of the Ottawa River, the city is the fourth-coldest capital within parsecs. The only colder capitals are Ulaanbaatar (Mongolia), Moscow (Russia) and Pakit! (Hoth). What many people do not realize is that it is also a) one of the most humid capitals in the world (in the months of June-August) and b) the center of an underground civilization populated by Morlocks. The Morlocks, as you know, see human beings as a food source, but they are quite conservative in their culling practices, which incorporate a model of sustainability and eugenics rarely seen. The Morlocks have found that it is most efficient to eat only the most intelligent males in the National Capital Region. This explains the predominance of women in the civil service (one of Ottawa’s major industries). One supposes the Morlocks do not cull the intelligent females, because they are confident that the remaining male population will be of little interest to them. In fact, Queen Victoria’s twits actually knew about this, which is why they built Canada’s parliament in this region, ensuring the safety of Canada’s politicians for generations to come. (At this point in history, they still held out hopes that they might return to Canada and rule in person.) Note: Many textbooks will tell you that Ottawa was not made the capital until 1867, but this is, in fact, a typo. It was 1847.

Five: The BNA Act

Despite their alleged abhorrence of violence, Canadians have traditionally been fierce warriors. During the War of 1812, for example, Canada was defended from US invaders not by the British Army, nor our own irregular troops (they were all engaged in a real war with Napoleon Bonaparte), but by a cadre of little schoolgirls and one-legged lumberjacks. (Thus explaining the draw, or if you’re a student of American history, the “victory”.) No warrior was more fierce than the Scottish-born firebrand John Alexander “The Madman” Macdonald. He rose to prominence during the first Zombie War, 1837, and was elected to Parliament. (It is worth noting that The Madman is one of the few intelligent politicians to survive Morlock culling practices; while he was still young and hale, The Madman would spend many an evening in the underground world, doing a little culling of his own. (He led a group of Morlock-hunters called the Association of Really Ripped Gentlemen (ARRG) in his off-hours.) As he aged, The Madman discovered that he was able to feign stupidity by keeping himself “well-medicated” with scotch. Despite this impediment, he was still able to convince the British crown to allow Canada to govern itself, forming a “Confederation” under the Beaver Not Actually needed Act. (BNA Act.) This forms, essentially, the constitution of Canada. After achieving Confederation, Macdonald went on to enlist the help of the Association of Really Ripped Gentlemen (ARRG) in building a railroad across Canada, eliminating all the vampires from the Northwest Territories, and inventing the game of hockey.

Part Two (Culture) here!

Thanks to Maxarchivist for the viking pic and Andrew for the beaver & Whatsthatpicture for the shot of O. Canada.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com both have a fondness for rodents of unusual size.

Now you no longer have to worry about the embarrassment of a neuter robot filled with compassion or, God forbid, a total lack of equipment. Here at Por-No! Industries (A Division of Metro-Phallus), we have been working on the age-old problem of wankerless robotry for more than four hundred years, and we have finally developed the ultimate in death-dealing, tally-whackered self-directed automata: The Penetrator 15000.

Unlike the notoriously unstable Bio-Terminatron line of cyborgs, The Penetrator 15000 contains no biological or genetic components and has no vestige of human compassion. Not even the free-roaming CEOs of the NaziWorks home planet can make such a claim! And they are made of poly-impermeable chromindium steel, so they’re easy to clean afterward.

Warning: may permanently damage any unattended Pleasure Borgs. Not suitable for children, households with goats (an unresolved programming issue) and planetoids inhabited by paying customers.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are also made of poly-mpermeable chromindium steel — and funny.

From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future | photo by Telstar

Compared with people in the “normal” range of the BMI — the misused and misguided body mass index, which charts your height and weight and determines if you are “normal”, overweight or underweight — people who were moderately overweight were 17 percent less likely to die than people in the normal range.

This is really more of a condemnation of the BMI than it is anything else. One of the study’s primary authors and a researcher at the Kaiser Permanente Center for Health Research in Oregon, David Feeny, said: “I think this is part of an accumulation of evidence that indicates that organizations like Health Canada… should rethink the evidence on their classification of BMI categories.”

According to the Globe and Mail:

Feeny speculates that overweight people might survive longer because their extra heft gives them more resilience when they become old or ill. Since people lose fat faster than muscle, having that bit of extra weight might help in preventing frailty.

No word yet on how much beer you have to drink to live longer. But… fingers crossed!

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are both a bit beyond the norm too. More on this story at the Globe and Mail.

Mad Kane found this truly hilarious “literal” video of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” (please don’t click away yet). I know, I know, this genre is done to death, but this one is actually quite a funny parody. If you want to skip the slower part of the song at the start, and jump right into the really odd stuff, fast forward to 52 or 53 seconds in. Then the Emo Kids, Swim Team, and spinning Ninjas make their entrance. You’ll have to wait a bit for the zombies. Try here if the embed thingy doesn’t work:

So thanks to Mad, and while we’re thanking her for that, you should check out her latest satirical limerick: Don’t Ask. Don’t Tell. Just Sign!

While you were watching Bonnie act her totally eclipsed heart out, you might have been worried about the gymnasts. You were right to, because sometimes they shoot horses. A fine piece of video satire, this one from The Onion. [Found here if the embed thingy chokes.] Thanks to GrrlScientist for the find:

Despite its lexicographic issues (bonus points if you can explain them in the comments), I found this article on Scunt quite amusing and edifying: Twitter is Dangerous. RETWEET! RETWEET!

In related (future) news, British Schools Told to Scrap Spelling Lessons.

But back to Twitter for a moment. You may find this cartoon from PC Weenies amusing [ht to Scott's Tip of the Day for this]:

I continue to find Fengtastic a disturbing source of joy. I offer you a link to a recent photo, Casual Friday, not because I am ashamed that I enjoyed this photo, but because it is EXTREMELY UNSAFE FOR WORK!!! (Take me seriously on this. No irony or sarcasm involved at all. There is NUDITY! It is also BAT-related.)

Speaking of nudity, it seems as though Sex is now pandemic, though not in England, Switzerland, and parts of Ontario.

With the new Transformers movie about to open, Cracked ran a partial-nudity laced Photoshop contest, in which contestants were asked to imagine if everyday life was directed by Michael Bay. Here is the winning entry:

And that’s it for the 115th edition. Thanks to these fine folks for helping us with webby-stuff: the Blog Carnival for their form. You may find some satire here if you poke around a bit. Here too.

Click here if the embedded video didn’t work.

I think I may need to read X Saves the World: How Generation X Got the Shaft But Can Still Keep Everything from Sucking.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are slackers too.

It was inevitable that Larry Pogo would one day meet Wanda Stiltskin, that they would fall in love, and find solace in one another. But nobody could have predicted that they would share their lives sixty feet up in the air, balanced precariously on SmartPoles(TM) made from a kind of nano-tubing Wanda had developed. (Ironically, Wanda invented this while she recovered from a fall trying to get into the Levitation Institute, which helped other Heliumbagians float higher than thirty feet. The fall had shattered her legs and left her paralyzed from the hips down.)

Larry was able to manipulate his SmartPole(TM) with his feet, while Wanda had a special “adaptation” for her SmartPole(TM) that she usually hid with an elegant, deeply shadowed dress or skirt. So long oblivious to their struggle to maintain just an ordinary existence, the Planet Heliumbag now made celebrities of the mercurial Larry and always-smiling Wanda. A Grand Tour of the Corporate Imperium was suggested and it was a huge success, leading to a gala performance on the homeworld of NaziWorks 3000 (The Caring Company).

Unfortunately, their SmartPoles(TM) put them at perfect snacking height for the gigantic, flesh-rending CEOs that roam the planet at will.

Alltop and humor-blogs.com are also lifting.

From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future | photo by OzJulian