Forty-seven signs

From the Book of Jerry

And on this day, The Blessed Sisters of Righteousness will curse the local constabulary, and upon them they shall heap scorn. They shall beshrew them with language most colorful, saying they are “spawn of cross-eyed turd farmers” and “tedious conversationalists with halitosis and feet that smell of onion.” Truly, they shall cackle.

And their Most Reverent Mother shall expectorate. Ye, verily, She will Hock a Loogie of the Lord.

So it will be, and on this day, the constabulary shall issue a Written Warning, and they shall be Unrepentant and the Day of Judgment shall be soon after.

Signs confirmed by evidence of 17 Noisy Orthodox Nuns. Humor-blogs.com and Alltop are also Unrepentant. Thanks to Kevindooley for the Nuns

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From the Book of Bolt-Action Lamentations

And truly, there will come a time when the faithful women-folk of a distant land will no longer run through the Forests of the City without protection, for the men-folk will not Exercise with them and protect them with their bulk.

And lo! A Prophet shall say, “I shall protect you, though your men-folk do not!”

And the Prophet will construct devices of cunning, colored “fashion” pink, and “red-hot” red. And some devices will be covered with the Skin of a Leopard. Others will be “matte” black, and hidden in holsters of cow skin.

The Prophet shall sell these devices for a reasonable price, and they will be Weapons that Harness the Lightning. And when their Lightning is released upon the Unbelievers, the Rapists, and other Beasts of the Forest of the City, they shall say, “ung-ung-ung!” and fall twitching to the ground.

And all the while, the faithful women-folk of this distant land shall listen to the Music of the Heavens. And they shall glory in the Songs of Prince, and the Madonna, and other Holy Crooners that are good to hear when running, for the device can hold many songs.

Read the signs yourself | The Prophets of Humor.

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From the Book of Bolt-Action Lamentations

And lo, there will be a place in the world where the mothers and daughters of Men Wearing Orange shall be tempted by Weapons.

And a time will come that they shall no longer resist the Call of the Weapons, for they shall be Pink. And Adorable. And Too Cute To Be Believed.

And the daughters and mothers of the Men Wearing Orange shall purchase of the weapons and they shall Revel in the Bolt-Action Fury and they shall go unto the forest and hunt of the deer and the bear and the occasional Husband.

Newsy Proof: Pretty powerful in pink

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From the Book of Libations

And so it will be that in the Land of Nippon, where everything is tiny and strange, a Generation of Great Wickedness will come of age. The malefic children will have purchasing power, tablets of credit and sheaves of gold that they wave in the air and so, control the actions of others through the Harlot Commerce.

Verily, these Foul Progeny of the People of Nippon will have Strange Ideas. They shall worship the False God Mayo Knais; raw fish will become unclean with the droppings of the False God’s Overflowing Jar of Evil. And it will be unnatural.

They will use the Condiment of Mayo Knaise with alcohol, and dance, naked except for Deliciously Evil mixture of egg and vinegar, which they have rubbed on themselves with great Wooden Spoons of Sin.

Newsy proof: Mayo margarita anyone?

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From the Book of Mustelids

And before the World is scourged by the Mother of Harlots, there will be a time when a swampy town south of Babylon will be ravaged by giant, man-eating weasels.

These Honeyed Badgers of Great Size and Swiftness shall have the strength of the bear, the nose of a monkey and the cunning of a politician. They shall be fearless, and they shall be released upon the people of Swampy Town by invaders from a tiny island populated by savages with bad teeth.

And lo! Many of these savages will hail from upland regions of their foggy island — a place where they distill the Water of Life, and torture their enemies with bags of air and pipes, and wear skirts even though they be men — and it is these Mustelid Scotti that shall hide the Ginormous Badgers of Armageddon in their furry man-pouches and set them against the people of Swampy Town.

The Great Badgers will be fearless, and rend cow, and sheep, and they will gnaw on the leg bones of the people Swampy Town. Or bite their bums.

Newsy proof: Giant Badgers Terrorize Basra

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From the Book of Libations

And in this time, there will be a shadowy group who terrorize a distant land filled with fragrant cheeses and even more fragrant people. And they shall be Craven, these men of evil intent, and they shall wear masks made of sheep’s cloth, though they own no ungulates.

Verily, they will be misguided followers of the Prophet Noah, and will grow grapes, and turn their juice into wine, and bottle it, and then market it at modest profit. And when middle men and usurious shopkeepers import inferior vintages from the remote sandy lands of Kalif and Far Australis prices will drop, and the Craven shall be wroth.

And they shall don their heads with the hair of sheep, and they shall threaten the Holy with Violence, and the distant land of fragrant cheeses and even more fragrant people will live in dread.

Yea, they shall have inexpensive wine, but there will be fear.

From the BBC: Wine Terrorism| Photo by dailydog

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From the Book of Renovations:

And in End Times there shall be many False Prophets, and they shall be Legion, and they shall learn of a magical land called Internet.

One of these False Prophets will provide the people with Devices that allow them unfettered access to the land called Internet.

And others will not be pleased by the shape of these Doodads, and devise all methods of making them more Pleasing To The Eye. They shall put these Thingamabobs into the Skin of Animals.

They will dance and sing around the Blue Light of their Unholy Instruments, and regale each other with tales of Beaver they have Split and Stuffed with Parts of their Devices. And rodents will become unto them as chieftains, and there will be great confusion.

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From the Book of Renovations:

And lo, there will come a time of Great Home Improvement and truly, it will be a time of Wailing and Unhappiness.

To the Church will come a False Prophet, and his name shall be Allen, or Tim, and he shall encourage the use of over-powered tools for all manner of misguided Weekend Projects.

And then the people will Suffer a great many Traumas. Those who would be Carpenters shall hurt themselves in great number with nails and spikes and all manner of metal, and there will be machines that show the truth of these internal injuries and Cranial Invasion.

There will be some Explaining To Do, and the wives and husbands of the Carpenters will shake their heads, wroth with confusion and pain.

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