Before the Internet

before the internet

Normally, I just nod my head in agreement with xkcd, but in this case, I must take exception. Before the Internet, life was much more exciting. There were things to do — the hard way — and much to accomplish. Not to mention all the challenging people and situations we faced before the Internet was created. For example:

  • dinosaurs
  • Nazis
  • pirates (the eye-patchy kind)
  • ninjas
  • C.H.U.Ds (though to be fair we’re still plagued by these in certain areas)
  • dinosaur-riding ninja Nazis (I would really like to see a cartoon of that one, if any budding artist are out there)
  • librarians.

Just sayin’.

On the other hand, the Internet does deliver on the awesome. It wouldn’t take much to add a Nazi armband to the ninja, plus: robot pirate!

how the world ends - robot pirate fighting dinosaur-riding ninja

Alltop is the Internet librarian of funny. Pic by Ctrl + Alt + Del.

Ask General Kang: I’m sick of school, but should I go to university anyway?

Ask General KangAbsolutely! Just because you’re tired of people lecturing you, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to subject yourself to it for another three or four years.

Some of your Earth “experts” claim that 63 percent of all new jobs will require a degree or diploma by 2018 — just think about that for a minute. You have “experts” that can predict the future. Terrifying!

But seriously, back on my home planet, Neecknaw, I was only willing to accept graduates of my Chimp Command College for any kind of officer position. That was for all the units, except for the Gorriloid Brigade (that’s the elite group armed with broadswords and wearing Fezzes). The rank and file of the Gorriloid Brigade just can’t respect an officer unless he can tear the arms off a Premendian Arachnid Beast bare-handed, and most college graduates just don’t have the upper body strength.

That said, perhaps there are some other job outcomes that may be more intriguing than those a university education leads to. Maybe you want to work in the trades — do you know your average plumber makes more money than a suicidally depressed dentist?

I happen to know the Planet Premendian has a roaring trade in prosthetics for Arachnid Beasts; and you may know, the Kang School of Interesting Trades offers a Arachnid Prosthetics Construction certificate for only $1000. I can send it to you as soon as we get your cheque.

Next time: I’m trapped in a Mobius Strip Mall — where is the bathroom?

Alltop is trapped in a mobius of funny. Originally published in March of 2007.