Sex with Sue

Jeremy Cthulu

“Hi there Jeremy, you’re on the air.”

“Hi Sue. Long-time listener, first-time caller. I’m a big fan.”

“Thanks Jeremy, what did you want to talk about?”

“What if she’s not into your face?”

“In what way? Kissing?”

“No, like sitting on it in a way that she delivers up her everlasting soul to the Old One.”

“Jeremy, you’re making me hot just talking about it, so I suggest that you do the same with your girlfriend.”

“I will, Sue. Wait for my visit.”

[sound of static, embedded within it: the wail of a nameless dread]

Alltop finds nameless dread relaxing. 022 Cthulu, originally uploaded by dracorubio.

Spot the Newton!

newtonHello and welcome to today’s edition of Spot the Newton, where you pick out the UNtrue facts about Sir Isaac Newton:

  • was unquestioningly one of the most important scientists ever
  • died a virgin
  • had a passion for alchemy above all else
  • once poked a needle in his eye to test an optical theory
  • used his roommate’s towel (for who knows what purpose)
  • inventedĀ a bed-wetting machine for pranking his fellow students
  • punched his sister
  • developed the calculus (Gottfried Leibniz also did this)
  • had a crossbow, and lied about it to his grandmother
  • lived for one year on a diet of apples
  • was a religious nutjob who learned Hebrew so he could discover the “secret” meaning of the Bible
  • threatened to burn down his mother and step-father’s house
  • beat the shit out of Arthur Storer
  • needed to relax a bit.

Answers accepted in the comments, or via the FB page.

Alltop has a passion for the alchemy of humor. Sources: io9, Facts/Legends, but no cheating. Image by Stavros Damos.

A Robot Regrets

A robot regrets

Meeptron the Bio-Destruction Bot looked out at the wasteland that once was Peoria and thought that his work had actually made it look nicer. Of course, he was programmed that way, so he couldn’t really help it. He thought about that little Red Juggernaut he’d met on Robo-Leave that summer. Gloria.

Yes, sweet Gloria. She was the kind of destructive cybernetic entity that he could see himself settling down with, and perhaps starting a family Bio-Destruction Juggernauts of their own. Of course, they’d have to build the manufactory themselves, because his boss sure wouldn’t help.

And he’d probably have to give up his dream of becoming lead dancer at the Voltron Mega-Kill Ballet. Meeptron sighed, powered up his plasma-death-beam array, and vaporized the puny humans which had survived his initial onslaught.

Alltop is not populated by puny humans either. Thanks to Alan Trotter for the pic. Originally published March, 2009, and now it’s part of the Pirate Therapy and Other Cures collection.