Leonides and the papier-mâché spatula

lady wakes up to discover she's a velocoraptor

Gregorina awoke that morning feeling stranger than usual. She’d had vivid dreams of ravaging Leonides, their local butcher, with his own meat tenderizer.

In the dream – or perhaps it would do her good to think of it as a nightmare – Leonides seemed to enjoy the beginning of his beating, but when he realized it was not an overture to a more gentle form of lovemaking, and in fact, the beginning of the end of his life, he cried out in existential anguish: “Oh no! Not with the mallet I use to prepare scaloppini, not such an ignominious and ironic end for poor Leonides!” (Clearly, Gregorina’s unconscious suspected that Leonides had taken an English degree before learning a more useful trade.)

As she dressed, Gregorina could not shake the image of the butcher’s terror, spurting blood, and excellent prices on Bavarian blutwurst.

And all day, she kept having to floss.

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Alltop loves weird couponing.

Daisy, Daisy, Call on the Cthulu

daisy Stagbys riding four-seater bike with three Cthulu

At first, everyone was really excited when Daisy Stagbys joined the Brighton Cycling Society. She was young, hot, and had a four-seater.

And then, when she suggested that she had some “friends” who would love to be involved, they were thrilled. (Membership had been in decline for years.)

But something about the new members made everyone a tad uncomfortable. Especially Jeremy Cthulu. (Pictured riding above the rear wheel, just before he devoured the soul of Mira Tendercones in a cloud of black aching dread.)


The Fridgularity Buy my latest novel, which features a fridge that causes the black aching dread of not having an Internet connection. Available in all formats in all the usual places online:

Paperback ($16.99)
Amazon.com | Barnes & Noble Amazon.ca | Or get $3 off, if you buy it direct from Monkeyjoy Press.

Ebooks ($4.95)
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Alltop is filled with black aching funny. Photo via Twisted Vintage. Originally published April, 2010.

At the GruntWerx Board of Directors Meeting


As you know, GruntWerx is the premier human relations solution provider to the world. Our products and services help the globe’s most influential companies maintain, improve and oversee their workforces.

As CEO, my personal mission has been to bring ridiculous value to the shareholders. And I have.

Before I reveal our latest plans, let’s step back, and see how I’ve accomplished this wonderful increase in the worth of our shares.

Over the past decade, we’ve seen a general decline in the privacy protections of the average consumer and worker: This has been helpful to our corporate mission. Concurrently, GruntWerx scientists and developers have created new technologies that have earned GruntWerxgeometric share value growth since we went public three years ago.

Share value doubled when we unveiled our patented SocialWerx software. For those of you too busy to read the executive summary, let me explain. SocialWerx enables our corporate clients to crawl through every bit of personal data on the Internet and social networks, regardless of TOS contracts, to identify hiring risks, and problem employees.

Share value doubled again when we implemented our FaceWerx technology – a patented system that combines facial recognition software with the SocialWerx engine, enabling corporations to use imaging from any photographs or video posted online to identify hiring risks, difficult employees, and importantly, worker behaviors that are deemed problematic. We have the computing power to spider the Net in almost real time.

The best thing about FaceWerx? It does not rely on the vagaries of social media and virality. FaceWerx catches all behaviours deemed undesirable by our corporate clients.

It’s not up to us to decide what behaviours our corporate clients target. It’s up to them. It’s theirright to decide. If they want to fire someone for behaving like a sexist idiot, they can. Same goes if they don’t like someone’s politics, or religion, or the weird flash fictions they write online. We just provide the tools.

Last year, we introduced the OptionWerx system, which allows wealthy individuals the opportunity to be omitted from our searches. We have set this premium so high that only the wealthiest of executives can afford to pay, and so, our overall products are unaffected. (And I hope you enjoy your complimentary membership in OptionWerx, you scamps.)

But onto the future of GruntWerx. Our R&D has yielded results again.

It is my great pleasure to introduce to you, for the first time, our new ThoughtWerx line of products. Yes, now we can read the thoughts and intentions of consumers and workers everywhere. Can you imagine how much our clients will be willing to pay for that? And the share value?

Investors are going to lose their minds.

The End

Note: This was a commissioned flash fiction. I was asked to write something about the cases of the two sexist boneheads who recently got fired and disciplined in Ontario. One was fired for yelling really offensive things at a female reporter, and the other disciplined for being equally douchy to a comedian at an industry awards banquet. I had no desire to write a commentary about this, but Jason Winders, the editor of the Western News, was open to a fiction piece.

You can find the original At the GruntWerx Board of Directors Meeting here.

Alltop enjoys a good grunt.