“Last night I had that terrible dream where I got slowly digested over a 1000 years again. I wonder what it means? But in real world — totally looking forward to the Hutt Annual BBQ this weekend. Life has been so good since I captured that Solo loser!”
I still think most of these would be whiskey, not coffee.
(h/t to Mark Victor Young.)
Alltop is a stiff drink of humor.
NEW YORK (The Skwib) — Despite moves to eliminate the use of trans-fats from its fare, Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) is still addictive.
“Yes, there is still a problem with this so-called ‘food’,” Dr. Finn Gerliken, Director of the Institute for a Widening America (IWA), told The Skwib.
The IWA and other consumer groups have applauded KFC for eliminating trans fats, though its food is still far from healthy. The double-down sandwich, for example, has 50% of a day’s recommended fat allowance, and even more of the recommended saturated fat allowance, or the equivalent of eating more than three tablespoons of butter.
“Yet it is still delicious,” Dr. Gerlicken told The Skwib. “We have run some tests in our labs, and it seems the Colonel is more addictive than ever.”
In addition to high levels of fat, most of their foods include large quantities of refined salt, MSG and pure, unadulterated (delicious) evil.
“KFC foods now have double the self-loathing effect if you do succumb to your fortnightly urge to consume their fried chicken. I had four pieces just last night, and I’m still feeling intense shame. No. Please, stop looking at me,” Dr. Gerlicken said.
KFC was unavailable for comment.
Alltop is also highly addictive. Original photo by Sam Beckwith. Originally posted October 2006.
Definitely. I’d go with a product invented on my native planet, Neecknaw, during the Cranial Trauma Scare at the turn of the last century.
It’s called Dr. Ooo-ook’s Multi-Phasic Baby-to-Big Boy (or Girl) Environmental Protective Suit.
Dr. Ooo-ook was an über-orangutan; he was an indifferent (and orange) pediatrician, but a brilliant marketer. You have to understand that at the turn of the century on Neecknaw, the media was becoming much more pervasive and so we heard about every bad thing that happened — particularly to children, because it’s always news if something bad happens to children. Parental fear ran rampant.
Well, Dr. Ooo-ook knew an opportunity when he saw it, and invented his Multi-Phasic Baby-to-Big Boy Environmental Protective Suit (or Ook-Suit as they were known to the hoi-polloi). And even if it was largely a marketing ploy, the suit was well-made and lived up to its promise of “complete lifetime protection of your child from physical harm and interference from infancy until they finish college.”
Unfortunately, the suit did not protect the kids from the merciless teasing they got from the other children. Not that they remained traumatized for too long. As soon as most of the kids were old enough to get court orders letting them out of the Ook-Suits, they didn’t survive very long. (As it turns out, their immune systems were so weak, their bodies were unable to handle the myriad of infections that their Ook-Suits had kept at bay for their short, over-protected lives.)
On the positive side of things, those that survived the initial exposure to the outside world could look forward to fabulous careers as eccentric writers.
Next time: One of my co-workers is up for the same promotion I’m hoping to get. Do you think I should “go negative” in my campaign early?
Alltop goes humorous early, and often. Originally published January, 2007.