Ten incredibly true facts about Queen Victoria

Queen Victoria, Laser Beams powering upYay, it’s Victoria Day — one of my favourite holidays, mostly because it’s so necessary. For those of you who don’t live in Canada, in many provinces we celebrate the birthday of Queen Victoria, Regina Atroxica, who was born on May 24th, 1819. (Thus the holiday is known here as the “Two-Four”, which is also, incidentally, the term for a case of beer in hoser. Beauty, eh?) Though the origins of the Victoria Day holiday are shrouded in mystery [wiki], it is worth noting some pertinent facts about the eponymous queen:

  1. Victoria was born of German descent: her father was Prince “Schnitzel-Boy” Edward, Duke of Kent and Strathearn and her mother was a stein of Pilsner.
  2. If she had not been 18 when her uncle (The King) died, then her mother would have acted as regent, provided the Household Guard could prevent her being quaffed by thirsty staff.
  3. Victoria was the youngest and first Queen of England who had the ability to fire laser beams from her eyes.
  4. She was the first reigning monarch to live in Buckingham Palace, which was paid for entirely by taxing the consumption of well-cooked food. (Thus explaining generations of atrocious food in the UK.)
  5. Her uncle was King Leopold I of Belgium (her mother’s brother); he spent most of his days eating chocolate, waffles, and attempting to drink his sister.
  6. Her husband, Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, could not speak a word of English and was her cousin.
  7. Most people are surprised to learn that Victoria had the ability to speak through her genitals.
  8. Her favourite genitals were (in order) Lord Melbourne, Lord Beaconsfield and Lord Salisbury.
  9. Her husband died of typhus, contracted because of the primitive sanitary conditions at Windsor Castle, and because he did not believe in “washing, per se”.
  10. Distraught after the death of her husband, Victoria went on a world-wide rampage, incinerating all who resisted her, founding Canada, New Zealand, and conquering the lands of Ireland, Scotland and India.
  11. Prior to her death, she uttered the famous, but often misquoted phrase: “I am not amused.” What she actually said was, “If you do not worship me henceforth, I shall not be amused, and I my revenant will consume your children and beer as you wail in agony as I cook you where you stand.”

And now you know why we celebrate Victoria Day.

Alltop and was not consulted in the making of this post. Our apologies to all the hard-working contributors to Wikipedia. Originally published, May 2009.

Miss Atomic Test, Las Vegas

1957 - Miss Atomic Test, Las Vegas via x-ray delta one

Like everyone, she was in shock.

But she had just narrowly avoided the disintegration of LA. She’d moved to Vegas the week before the war began, to work as a background dancer.

They found her the day after, in Vegas, getting ready for the show. She was starving as usual. Her figure just wouldn’t conform to the standards of the 2020s, and that meant not eating very much. Not that she felt like eating, after she’d seen some of the video of what remained of her home town.

They could change it all with a photo, they told her.

All they needed was for her to accept that she could be in two times in one place. It was a little thing, right? Like, you’re a gorgeous dancer who thinks she’s fat. The reality doesn’t change, just because your thinking is all wrong.

So she said yes, and the next day — after all the injections, and the strange machine — she woke up in 1954. She was a dancer at the Copa Room, at the Sands. She did a show with Frank Sinatra. Sammy Davis Jr. dropped in, and was a big hit. Everyone thought she was gorgeous, even though (she thought) she was a fat cow.

Eventually, she got comfortable with being desired by so many men, despite her obvious (to her) defects. She loosened up, though she was always quiet and reserved. Some of the other girls called her “the librarian”, but if they’d had the right words, they would have called her the cipher. She never mentioned her folks — she was intensely aware of the fact that they were not born yet, and she didn’t want to say anything to prevent their existence.

They hadn’t told her which photograph would be the right one. Funny, that the scientists should miss such an obvious detail, so she treated each snap with reverence and joy. “The secret,” the lead scientist had told her before she left the year 2024, “is your innocence and exuberance. When they take the shot, you have to exhibit that, above all.”

It was one of the things that made her more of a cipher than a librarian. Her reserve dissolved whenever a camera was produced, which was noticed by a Hollywood producer in 1956. He wanted to her to do a screen test in LA, but she turned him down flat.

They hadn’t said which photo would be the one, but the scientists hadn’t told her she needed to do movies.

When it happened a year later, she was in no doubt. The photo that would save the world had been taken.

And after that, she was (almost) free.

Alltop loves a little time travel! 1954 – Miss Atomic Test, Las Vegas, a photo by x-ray delta one on Flickr.

Ask General Kang: I Have No Hair Follicles On My Head. Will This Hurt My Ability to Reproduce?

General Kang -- a portraitThis is a touchy question, particularly for a hirsute (and handsome) bugger such as myself.

The answer is no. I can think of no instance when hair follicles are any way connected to reproductive organs, though it is a strange mutation. Perhaps the follicles you had there have died and you’ve lost your hair? Never mind.

But to your question. If you actually mean: “Will it hurt my odds of having a chance to reproduce,” then I’m afraid I have a different answer.

A lot of it depends upon your species. If you’re a fish, then my guess is the lack of hair will not impinge upon your ability to score.

If you’re a human, then yes it will. Quite badly. Particularly if you’re a human female. Human males, on the other hand, have been known to plant their seed, so to speak, without a decent head of hair, but they often have to compensate in some other way. Fame. Power. An extremely large . . . bank account. All of these may work on the curious human female.

So go find some of that, is this is your case. But there is a caveat. Quite often those bald-headed males will instead have a luxuriant coat on their back.

This is a major turn-off for most human females. But catnip for other primates, if you catch my drift.

Next week: I have slipped into another dimension. Will this prevent me from a rewarding career?

Find more hairy eyeball humor at alltop. Originally published, October 2008.