Ten incredibly true facts about Queen Victoria

Queen Victoria, Laser Beams powering upYay, it’s Victoria Day — one of my favourite holidays, mostly because it’s so necessary. For those of you who don’t live in Canada, in many provinces we celebrate the birthday of Queen Victoria, Regina Atroxica, who was born on May 24th, 1819. (Thus the holiday is known here as the “Two-Four”, which is also, incidentally, the term for a case of beer in hoser. Beauty, eh?) Though the origins of the Victoria Day holiday are shrouded in mystery [wiki], it is worth noting some pertinent facts about the eponymous queen:

  1. Victoria was born of German descent: her father was Prince “Schnitzel-Boy” Edward, Duke of Kent and Strathearn and her mother was a stein of Pilsner.
  2. If she had not been 18 when her uncle (The King) died, then her mother would have acted as regent, provided the Household Guard could prevent her being quaffed by thirsty staff.
  3. Victoria was the youngest and first Queen of England who had the ability to fire laser beams from her eyes.
  4. She was the first reigning monarch to live in Buckingham Palace, which was paid for entirely by taxing the consumption of well-cooked food. (Thus explaining generations of atrocious food in the UK.)
  5. Her uncle was King Leopold I of Belgium (her mother’s brother); he spent most of his days eating chocolate, waffles, and attempting to drink his sister.
  6. Her husband, Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, could not speak a word of English and was her cousin.
  7. Most people are surprised to learn that Victoria had the ability to speak through her genitals.
  8. Her favourite genitals were (in order) Lord Melbourne, Lord Beaconsfield and Lord Salisbury.
  9. Her husband died of typhus, contracted because of the primitive sanitary conditions at Windsor Castle, and because he did not believe in “washing, per se”.
  10. Distraught after the death of her husband, Victoria went on a world-wide rampage, incinerating all who resisted her, founding Canada, New Zealand, and conquering the lands of Ireland, Scotland and India.
  11. Prior to her death, she uttered the famous, but often misquoted phrase: “I am not amused.” What she actually said was, “If you do not worship me henceforth, I shall not be amused, and I my revenant will consume your children and beer as you wail in agony as I cook you where you stand.”

And now you know why we celebrate Victoria Day.

Alltop and was not consulted in the making of this post. Our apologies to all the hard-working contributors to Wikipedia. Originally published, May 2009.

Miss Atomic Test, Las Vegas

1957 - Miss Atomic Test, Las Vegas via x-ray delta one

Like everyone, she was in shock.

But she had just narrowly avoided the disintegration of LA. She’d moved to Vegas the week before the war began, to work as a background dancer.

They found her the day after, in Vegas, getting ready for the show. She was starving as usual. Her figure just wouldn’t conform to the standards of the 2020s, and that meant not eating very much. Not that she felt like eating, after she’d seen some of the video of what remained of her home town.

They could change it all with a photo, they told her.

All they needed was for her to accept that she could be in two times in one place. It was a little thing, right? Like, you’re a gorgeous dancer who thinks she’s fat. The reality doesn’t change, just because your thinking is all wrong.

So she said yes, and the next day — after all the injections, and the strange machine — she woke up in 1954. She was a dancer at the Copa Room, at the Sands. She did a show with Frank Sinatra. Sammy Davis Jr. dropped in, and was a big hit. Everyone thought she was gorgeous, even though (she thought) she was a fat cow.

Eventually, she got comfortable with being desired by so many men, despite her obvious (to her) defects. She loosened up, though she was always quiet and reserved. Some of the other girls called her “the librarian”, but if they’d had the right words, they would have called her the cipher. She never mentioned her folks — she was intensely aware of the fact that they were not born yet, and she didn’t want to say anything to prevent their existence.

They hadn’t told her which photograph would be the right one. Funny, that the scientists should miss such an obvious detail, so she treated each snap with reverence and joy. “The secret,” the lead scientist had told her before she left the year 2024, “is your innocence and exuberance. When they take the shot, you have to exhibit that, above all.”

It was one of the things that made her more of a cipher than a librarian. Her reserve dissolved whenever a camera was produced, which was noticed by a Hollywood producer in 1956. He wanted to her to do a screen test in LA, but she turned him down flat.

They hadn’t said which photo would be the one, but the scientists hadn’t told her she needed to do movies.

When it happened a year later, she was in no doubt. The photo that would save the world had been taken.

And after that, she was (almost) free.

Alltop loves a little time travel! 1954 – Miss Atomic Test, Las Vegas, a photo by x-ray delta one on Flickr.

Ask General Kang: I Have No Hair Follicles On My Head. Will This Hurt My Ability to Reproduce?

General Kang -- a portraitThis is a touchy question, particularly for a hirsute (and handsome) bugger such as myself.

The answer is no. I can think of no instance when hair follicles are any way connected to reproductive organs, though it is a strange mutation. Perhaps the follicles you had there have died and you’ve lost your hair? Never mind.

But to your question. If you actually mean: “Will it hurt my odds of having a chance to reproduce,” then I’m afraid I have a different answer.

A lot of it depends upon your species. If you’re a fish, then my guess is the lack of hair will not impinge upon your ability to score.

If you’re a human, then yes it will. Quite badly. Particularly if you’re a human female. Human males, on the other hand, have been known to plant their seed, so to speak, without a decent head of hair, but they often have to compensate in some other way. Fame. Power. An extremely large . . . bank account. All of these may work on the curious human female.

So go find some of that, is this is your case. But there is a caveat. Quite often those bald-headed males will instead have a luxuriant coat on their back.

This is a major turn-off for most human females. But catnip for other primates, if you catch my drift.

Next week: I have slipped into another dimension. Will this prevent me from a rewarding career?

Find more hairy eyeball humor at alltop. Originally published, October 2008.

Jesussic Park

Jesussic ParkJesus was visiting a lost valley that was reputed to hold a few holy men who separated themselves from the rest of the world so they could better understand the nature of God. He was hoping to talk to them alone, but he’d made the mistake of healing a few of the sick (he couldn’t remember if they were lepers, blind or tone-deaf cantors) in the town nearby.

So instead of a quick Messiah-to-Hermit conference, he’d accumulated a large crowd.

“What do you think we should do, Oh Son of God?” Peter asked Jesus. (Peter was always kissing his ass.)

“I don’t know, why don’t we try the Beatitudes? It always does well with an outdoor crowd. Remember how it killed on the mountain?”

Peter nodded. Unctuous as ever.

So Jesus climbed a large boulder, so the crowd could see him. They’d stopped in some tall grass just inside the entrance to the valley.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,” Jesus began, “for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. And blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

He paused dramatically, because the next one always got them where they lived: “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.”

You could feel the ripple of excitement at that thought shiver through the crowd.

Or was it something else?

The tall grass separated in a dozen places, and suddenly, there were screams of horror and agony as they were pulled down.

“Dragons!” somebody in the crowd shouted.

“Save us from the dragons, O Messiah!”

Just then, one of the dragons — actually a velociraptor, a predatory dinosaur about the size of a turkey — appeared at the bottom of the boulder where Jesus had been Beatituding.

“Stay away from my flock!” Jesus commanded the dinosaur.

It ignored him and proceeded to jump on Peter, who was screaming hysterically; the fifty-pound dinosaur then used its powerful, razor-sharp second claw to rip open the Apostle’s stomach. It’s sharp teeth chomped on Peter’s neck.

Jesus had always thought that Peter was a bit of a brown-noser, but he did not like seeing the fisherman disemboweled. He jumped off his boulder, grabbed up his staff, and brought it down on the velociraptor’s head as it gnawed on Peter.

Jesus smashed its skull with the blow.

“Blessed are those who crush the skulls of the dragons, for they shall save their neighbors!” Jesus shouted.

The assembled believers took this one to heart — even more than that excellent meekness promise — and proceeded to defend themselves from the small dinosaurs. The velociraptors grabbed what pieces of the believers they could and ran away.

Judas appeared, his sword drawn and dripping with blood. Father, I hope that’s raptor blood, Jesus thought.

“Those things are pretty easy to kill Jesus, but what the hell are they?”

“Creatures that we thought had been eradicated by the Flood. They must have survived in this lost valley,” the Saviour said.

“Well, I think we should leave. What if there are bigger Dragons?” Judas said.

“O Master,” Luke said, “can you heal the wounded? Raise those consumed by the Beasts?”

“Not now,” Jesus said. “I used up all my spell points this morning on the lepers, or were they blind?”

“No, they were off-key priests, O Messiah,” Simon said. “It was a blessed relief.”

“Shit, look at Peter,” Judas said. “What a fucking mess!”

“Language!” Jesus admonished. “I’m afraid I won’t be able to raise him until tomorrow,” Jesus explained.

“But why O Messiah?” Mark asked.

“Spell points. Haven’t you been listening,” Jesus said to Mark. Father, why did you make him so thick? “I shall raise him from the dead tomorrow, when I have my daily power back.”

“Really? After what happened to Lazarus?” Judas asked. “I wouldn’t. That fucker is just disturbing now.”

Jesus rubbed his temple. Judas and his potty-mouth.

“I mean, Peter is bit creepy to start with, but give him a day in the underworld, and, well, is it a good idea to raise him at all?” Judas suggested.

Jesus ignored the obvious power-play by Judas. The crowd had gathered around the Messiah and his Apostles. Only a few had been killed by the dinosaurs, but they were worried about them coming back.

“We shall take him with us, and visit the holy men later,” Jesus decided. “Let us leave this lost valley. Blessed are the wise, for discretion is the better part of valor.”

The crowd murmured in agreement.

Then the T-Rex smelled the blood, and trumpeted its hideous, terrifying hunting call.

“Blessed are the swift of foot,” Jesus said, “for they shall not be eaten.”

“But I’m lame!” shouted someone in the crowd.

“I’ve got a bad limp.”

“I’ve lost my sandals.”

The ground shook. People held their ears as the nearby hunting call hit 130 decibels. The 40-foot, 7-ton carnivore appeared, its savage head low as it ran through the grass.

The Believers unable to run from the creature looked at Jesus expectantly.

“Spell points!” the Saviour shouted, “don’t you get it?”

Clearly they did not, so he said: “Blessed are the lame and those without quality footwear for they shall see the Kingdom of Heaven.”

And then he ran.

The End

Alltop loves a good bit of turkey. Dedicated to Michael Crichton: and thanks for all the dinosaurs. Author’s Note: This story may seem to be quite far-fetched, but if you accept the Creationist viewpoint, then it is possible that Jesus may have walked with the dinosaurs. (Assuming some had survived the Biblical extinction event, the Flood.) If you find that notion silly, then you may also enjoy this YouTube clip of Eddy Izzard’s bit on Jesus versus the dinosaurs. Other fast-moving lizards include Alltop. Originally published in 2008.

Enjoy this story? Check out my second novel, Marvellous Hairy, which has a whole part devoted to The Lizard’s Pleasure.