Excruciating Album Cover Art – Ignatz Topolino

nose-harmonicaI include this cover, not because it is awful, but because the story behind this collection of classic jazz nose-harmonica stylings remind me of such an excruciatingly sad story.

In the annals of nose harmonica players, Ignatz Topolino is usually the first entry. He was a genius. Grown men would weep at his rendition of Whatever Lola Wants, and women would toss panties whenever he ripped off his heart-breaking version of Summertime. But like all geniuses, Topolino had his obsessions.

He is perhaps best known for his obsessive — yet understandable — dedication to nasal hygiene. Not content with conventional nose-cleaning fare, such as hankies and tissues, Topolino would often try new products intended to freshen his olfactory organ. Nothing was satisfactory. He poured much of his fortune into looking for devices that would keep his muzzle clear of mucus, and even hired a research team to look for more aggressive technology.

Eventually, they came across some of the later work of the Victorian inventor, Michael Flannigan. This led to the discovery of a working prototype of Flannigan’s Pump-Action Nasal Cavity Irrigation System, circa 1901.

loony victorian inventionAccording to the Emily Chesley Reading Circle, the system (pictured right) worked thusly:

Two hoses were held by the cleansee, positioning their ends in the nostril opening. The operator of the device (bow-tie not mandatory) waited until the cleansee was ready, at which point, the operator would shout, “prepare for the injection!” (giving the cleansee once last chance to remove the hoses). The operator then vigorously depressed and raised the MegaPlunger, providing the delightful pump-action necessary to help the cleansee eliminate potentially embarrassing nasal discharge.

As cleansee, Topolino discovered the “delightful pump-action” was more powerful than necessary, and the carbolic acid used in the cleansing solution also did not help. His nose-harmonica career was essentially over, and Topolino would have been forgotten to the world, if not for his later contributions to Ride Theory (writing at Ignatz Topo), and his heartbreaking autobiography: A Nose By Any Other.

Get your nose stuck into some satirical fiction …

Alltop has a nose-and-nose for funny. You can find more painful art at this Facebook group, shit record covers. Originally published in 2007.

Vanity Thy Name is Robot

robot taking a selfie

By mid-century, all the grumpkins agreed: robots were the shit.

Even the most hardened humano-mechanicals were aware their robotic cousins could kick their asses. And the feed stock? Don’t be ridiculous. They were so squishy. So temporary. The only reason the snarko-collective allowed the progenitor biological intelligences to survive was simple.

Even after they became hyper intelligent, robots had yet to engineer an algorithm of how to take a selfie without looking like a complete asshole.

Now please yourself with some long-form satirical fiction:

Alltop takes a great selfie.

An explosion of taste

photo details by Foxtongue

The pastry chef, Seaman First Class Henry Bunders, had been given specific orders: “Make a cake that is like a nuclear explosion.”

He’d been able to recreate the effect of the mushroom cloud using some stiff cardboard, fondant, and liberal use of whipped cream, applied just before the cake was to be cut by the Admiral, his wife, and some visiting brass from Washington.

Getting hold of some plutonium that he could bake into the base had been a bit more challenging. Not as challenging as applying whipped cream with lead-lined gloves, but still, nobody could argue with the results: at ground zero (the head table), casualties were almost 100%!

Now blow your mind with some long-form satirical fiction:

Alltop is explosively funny.  22, a photo by Foxtongue on Flickr. Originally published June, 2012.