Brain in the boot

It had been a long day for Trent Derbish, officer with the Canadian Border Service Agency. Lots of traffic, tons of odd declarations, and then this old bugger with an English accent.

“I’m sorry, sir, but I didn’t quite catch that. Could you repeat it?”

“Right,” the old man said, “all I’ve got to declare is a brain. I’ve got it in the boot, if you need to see it.”

“A brain in your boot?”

“Yes, officer, a brain. In the boot.” Continue Reading →

Dead shark eyes and full frontal nudity

Stesha had a big brain. Some people said this enormous and inefficient organ was the cause of his problems, but some had darker suspicions.

Of course, his supporters said Stesha’s big brain was one of his best features; it was why he would someday become Politica Suprema. Many of his closest spindicas felt that Stesha had other important attributes, such as a barely discernable sense of humor. The best thing to counter ill-formed opinion of him? Take him to summer festivals, celebrated by the common folk, where he could show off his big brain and tiny wit.

***

Johnson’s yearly summer barbeque was legendary for its full frontal nudity. An ex-HR professional, Johnson was capable of spontaneous bouts of nakedness, for very little reason, really. Sometimes a pretty woman inspired it, and sometimes it was just too hot.

That summer, he’d promised his family, his friends and the neighbors that it would not happen. He would, by Cupid’s Tallywhacker, keep himself clothed. Continue Reading →

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (#3)

Thag Presents Fire (slide 1)

Useful multi-purpose tool:

  • heat
    • prevention of intestinal problems through “cooking”
    • source of warmth for when Ice Age begins
  • light
    • increase number of useful nit-picking hours each day
    • Unk can work on his “cave painting” technology
  • protection
    • lions and other predators less likely to eat us

Beer! The new taste sensation! (slide 5)

  • More than rotting grasses in puddles
  • Tastes good(ish)
  • Feel squiffy (more fun for dancing, drumming, etc)
  • Prevention of intestinal problems
  • Need for agriculture now? Drag, but come on, it’s beer!

Second Presentation of Exodus
Concept to Pharoh (slide 7)

The LORD:
–Greater than Seth, protector of crops

  • locusts
  • eat grain
  • nothing green left
  • (not good for Egypt)

Socrates: Keepin’ it real (slide 2)

  • not lying
  • eloquent, yes but I tell the truth
  • i.e., bite me

Thomas Huxley: Presentation to British Association for the Advancement of Science (slide 96)

  • Rather be descended from an ape
  • –vs–

  • look like an ape

Einstein: Relativity (slide 3)

  • gravity — not a force
  • gravity — curvature of space-time
  • light can be “bent”
  • e.g., Christopher Isherwood in Nollendorfplatz

Hey, Let’s Invade Russia: Hitler’s Command Briefing (slide 4)

  • melting lead is good way to predict future
  • signs look excellent for Operation Barbarossa
  • this lump in particular (next slide)