The Halloween Feast of Madness Bird

women eating hallucinogenic  turkey with pumpkin-headed man

Say what you will about Marge and Delia, but they served a mean turkey dinner.

Sure they might have been witches. Sure, they tended to use a little too much salt when they were cooking. (Probably from all the dehydrated eye of newt, which is very high in sodium, but they could never seem to find it fresh.) Sure, they had a questionable living arrangement, vis-à-vis men with pirate shirts and pumpkins for heads. (Who may or may not have been called Angus McGourd.)

Put their peyote stuffing (with pine nuts and dried) cranberries was delectable.

Alltop likes a little LSD in it’s mashed potatoes. Disturbing photo via Twisted Vintage. Originally published October, 2010.

Lucidiva™ — Side effects

close up of big bird -- freakyCommon side effects include heavy breathing, panting, hyperventilation, lack of peripheral vision, excessive screaming, painful hearing and nasal discharge that may look like rice pudding. Sorry, but it happens.

You should probably enjoy flatulence if you want to take this drug, unless you live at an even-numbered address, in which case, expect projectile vomiting on an hourly basis. Married men can expect long periods of impotence, though we have not conclusively proved this is because of the drug.

Single men in the company of nuns should be ready for painful, humiliating bouts of extreme priapism. Women will want to have a razor handy. (For the excessive hair growth, not for dealing with priapism.)

If you’re thinking about taking this drug while driving, just stop right there. Also, most people taking this drug find themselves incapable of walking, crawling or singing the works of Cole Porter. Gershwin is ok.

Rare side effects include basket weaving, syncopated urination, frequent urination, explosive urination and occasionally, urination. We recommend you set up an IV BEFORE you take your first dose.

Speaking of your first dose, when you begin taking Lucidiva™, you will experience a clarity of thought and eloquence of speech that makes President Obama look like his predecessor. We apologize to everyone trying to take an MBA, but clearly Lucidiva™ is not for you.

If your skin begins to strobe, consult your physician. If you fingernails burst into flame, put them out, but not with water. That will not work. Trust us on this. Use baking powder, or some kind of halon system. Just hold your breath. If you happen to inhale halon while taking Lucidiva™ we cannot be held responsible. Just make sure your will is up to date.

Very rarely, patients experience visions of aliens, talking monkeys and sometimes, angels. If the latter, it is acceptable to consult a priest.

Finally, if you see the bird, don’t try to talk to it. Don’t even look —

Alltop has heard the bird is the word.

Originally appeared on Grasping for the Wind on October 8.

Paging Dr. Godhead

Paging Dr. Godhead - photo of charismatic chimp

“…whoever wishes to become a philosopher must learn not to be frightened by absurdities.”

–Bertrand Russell

“The satirist is prevented by repulsion from gaining a better knowledge of the world he is attracted to, yet he is forced by attraction to concern himself with the world that repels him.”

–Italo Calvino

“There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.”

–Napoleon Bonaparte

“All human race would fain be wits.
And millions miss, for one that hits.”

–Jonathan Swift
Alltop would fain be a wit. Verily, brother. Beauty is relative, originally uploaded by True_Bavarian.

Review: Valley of Day-Glo

valley of day gloValley of Day-Glo is the story of Broadway Danny Rose, a member of a confused Iroquois nation who has forgone traditional names for names ripped off IMBD. Except, they’re not getting them off IMDB, because that doesn’t exist anymore, you know, with the bizarre ecological apocalypse that has destroyed Western civilization and all. (Purportedly a nuclear war, but I don’t know, the landscape seems unlikely.)

Apart from living in a wasteland, Broadway Danny Rose suffers from erectile dysfunction, an overbearing mother (appropriately named Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolfe) and that age old problem, doofus protagonitis.

You may have missed the lecture on doofus protagonitis in your survey of English literature. It is the syndrome suffered by protagonists in satires. Think Don Quixote, think Gulliver, think Yosarian. You see, they tend to be unable to control what is happening to them, though they may be able to demonstrate their humanity to the reader as the author messes with him. Danny is one of the latter kinds of doofusi, and this is one of the things that will keep you turning the page — you just want to see how this whole thing is going to turn out for Danny. You really hope it’s going to be okay.

Nick DiChario is a talented writer, and he deftly takes us through his apocalyptic tale, which is at times absurd (the jacket cover claims it is in the tradition of Douglas Adams and Kurt Vonnegut, but I think more of the latter), bizarre and entertaining.

Recommended!

A warning: don’t waste valuable time trying to decipher the traditional Iroquois names. They’re not all puns. If they ever do a second edition, they should put the author’s note at the front, and save us all headaches, eyestrain, and the suspicion that we’re idiots for not being able to figure it out.