Unfortunately, humanity has lost much since The Golden Age of Beards — a time when the free-flowing exchange of thought, lead propelled at high speed, and yes, competition in beard technology was not only encouraged, but demanded. The philosopher and extemporaneous human, Sean Cullen, says, “give me a beard I can believe!” He was talking about opera, but the yearning … the yearning.
Don’t we all want to see more beards that we can believe? To help us in this quest, we present a clutch of beards.
1. The Maestro— a truly astonishing beard, usually worn by eccentric and brilliant artists. Warning — if you are not an eccentric and brilliant artist, this beard could cause narcolepsy or be a harbinger of incipient tooth-gnashing madness.
2. The Classic — If you have time to time to comb, oil and curl your beard, The Classic may well be the facial hair for you. This beard will turn some heads, particularly at Greco-Roman affairs. Warning — can get you unwanted attention at Greco-Roman affairs!
3. The Waveform — If you have time to time to part your beard every morning, with or without the use of beard-drugs, the waveform may be the beard for you! Warning — tends to cause quantum irregularities and uncontrollable laughter in undergraduate seminars.
4. The Electroco — an impressive beard grown to inordinate long length, The Electroco is not for the amateur beard grower. Warning — tends to catch stray food particles, get caught in zippers and cause potential sex partners to say “eeewwww.”
5. The Lincoln — Let’s be honest on this one; barely anyone can make this geometric nightmare look good, particularly in a pair of chinos and a golf shirt. Warning — may cause an uncontrollable urge to wear a stovepipe hat.
6. The Scrappy — The scrappy is rough and ready chin foliage, low on upkeep, and easy to grow — even for those of you who may be challenged in the production of testosterone. (We’re not judging.) Warning — can make you look like a hippy freak or an effete, absinthe-swigging artist who thinks he is Jesus.
7. El Quixote — This offshoot of the scrappy is a tough look to pull off, but if you’re fond of tilting at windmills on swaybacked horses, this is one you want to sport. Warning — certain to induce a full-on psychotic break after your first bad love affair.
8. Der Lipfinder — You will not like this beard, English. Is too much work to keep that upper lip free of hair, the way God intended. Warning — if you really are wearing Der Lipfinder for religious reasons, be aware that it drives the ladies crazy. Rrrroow!
Alltop is sporting a faux-scrappy. Originally published in April, 2007.