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Clown Apocalypse: The European Atrocity

Le Mime by jan lewandowski

It became clear after the initial chaos, that some people had a natural immunity to the Bozo Virus. The vast majority of humans were infected, but some were unaffected by the clownish behaviors and grotesque physical changes caused by the disease.

Individuals who were ALREADY clowns, for example, escaped the relentless bug, that caused its victims to literally clown themselves to death. And many of these fine folk actually helped civilization survive. Some of these people were part-time clowns, and they had a variety of day jobs. (No doubt, jobs where they dreamed of all the setups and bits and “blow-offs” they would perform on the weekends at birthday parties and so on.)

In France, however, this had unfortunate effects, for there, the most common kind of clown is the mime. Abhorred by many audiences, mime is in fact one of the core set of skills used by many clowns, and so, experienced mimes were immune to the virus.

But the problem, in France anyway, was distinguishing the “real” mimes from the victims of the bozo virus, which had mutated, and made all its victims turn into mimes. Freed from the approbation of their audience, these faux-clowns organized the sick into vast armies of silent, creepy, beret-wearing mummers; they invaded neighboring countries.

Belgium fell first. Then Luxembourg. Then the Netherlands. The Alps and the Pyrenees provided natural barriers to Italy and Spain respectively, but the Rhine was not enough to contain them and these hordes of French mimes rope-pulled themselves into Germany.

man in pickelhaube helmetIn Germany, the virus had already mutated, and the bozo-afflicted there had already turned into something called über-clowns. Mostly this just meant the clowns liked to wear pickelhaube over their outbreaks of Frizzy Hair, but it prevented the mime mutation. But the mime-mutation was stronger than über-clown.

In Britain, where the mime is most hated, the few remaining civil and military authorities realized they were going to be next. Already, the legion of mimes who had taken over the Low Countries and Germany were already gathering on the English Channel, pretending to pull the British Isles closer to them with a rope. It was only a matter of time until they pulled themselves close enough to the Chunnel.

Feeling they had little choice — England was already overrun with Morris Dancers (another variation of the Bozo Virus) — they collapsed the tunnel. Just to be on the safe side, they launched a few tactical nukes around the French terminus of the Chunnel.

Warned that the missiles had been launched, the mimes had pantomimed that they were trapped in glass boxes. This could not protect them from nuclear fission, no matter how convincing their show.

It did atomize and cause a new, more horrible mutation, dubbed by the CDC as: “Jerry Lewis-itis”.

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Read the other parts of Clown Apocalypse: Clown Apocalypse | The Day the Laughter Died | Moments of Hilarity | Beach Happies | The European Atrocity | The Sexy Cataclysm | Buffoonibilism | The Clownsickle

Hey, Alltop likes Jerry Lewis! <Le Mime, a photo by jan lewandowski on Flickr. Originally published June 2012.