Tag Archives: canada
Ask General Kang: How do you choose a new leader?
Well, on my home planet of Neecknaw, this is a simple affair. The new leader chooses himself.
Or herself. But we haven’t had a female leader since the Gloomy Ages (the interstitial period between the Dark Ages and the Time of Light) when the orangutan giantess Slothia sat on the preceding and diminutive warlord, Marmostak the Mighty. (Marmostak the Mighty Small the followers of Slothia called him.)
But you’re probably asking because of the upcoming so-called “elections” you are holding in the “democracies” of the large landmass you call “North America”. I think the political theatre you have invented is quite fine, actually, though it lacks a certain martial elan that we on the Planet Neecknaw like to see in our leadership hopefuls.
So in that spirit, I would like to suggest that in lieu of your “elections”, you should have some kind of television show in which the leaders of your political “parties” eliminate one another in gruesome (and entertaining) ways. Because you humans value guile and low cunning as much as the simian population of Neecknaw, I’d recommend something that compensates for brute strength alone — I’m open to suggestions in the comments.
(Otherwise, I’m pretty sure Elizabeth May will have an unfair advantage over the other sissified leaders of Canadian political parties, and this should also make the next US election more interesting to watch too, though they are already pretty bloody.)
Next time: In space, nobody can hear you scream, but if an alien is laying eggs in your Captain’s cranium, you’re still ABLE to scream, right?
An elimination match will now ensue between alltop and itself.
Censorship in Canada, 2010-2011
Think censorship doesn’t happen in Canada? It does, though rarely. There are, however, many attempts at censorship, and it is something we have to be on guard for at all times. It seems that in Canada, our politeness gene runs amok sometimes, and morphs into a political correctness/prude gene. It looks to me like most of these were challenged because they had something to do with sex, race or religion — all difficult topics, which is why we should discuss them. You can check out the full list and details at the Freedom to Read website, but I’ve culled a few of their cases below. The PDF is here.
2011
Attempted bans:
Brunetti, Ivan, Lilli Carré, et al. Black Eye 1: Graphic Transmissions to Cause Ocular
Hypertension
Findley, Timothy. The Wars
Instigator magazine
Kasokeo, Deanne. Antigone [ed: WTF? Antigone was written by Sophocles! (5th Century, BC)]
Actually banned by the Canada Border Services Agency (CBSA) as “legally obscene”:
Larmee, Blaise. Young Lions
Selected 2010 Challenges
According to the document, there were 92 challenges in 2010. There aren’t many details about them, but here’s a few titles that caught my attention:
Butler, Dori Hillestad. My Mom’s Having a Baby! A Kid’s Month by Month Guide to Pregnancy
Gaiman, Neil. American Gods and M is for Magic
Guru Granth Sahib [Sikh sacred scripture].
Hergé. Tintin in the Congo. [ed: I have no doubt this is racist, but I doubt it's hate speech.]
Horwitz, Tony. A Voyage Long and Strange: Rediscovering the New World.
Jones, Rob Lloyd. See Inside Pirate Ships [ed: I now need a copy of this. It must be arrrrrfully naughty!]
Stack, Frank. The New Adventures of Jesus: The Second Coming.
Star Wars, Volume 3, Dark Horse Comics. (a series of 14 manga)
Tremblay, Michel. Contes pour buveurs attardé
Twain, Mark. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Battle of Vimy Ridge Edition)
General Ludwig von Falkenhausen presents “The Week of Suffering” (circa April 2-9, 1917) –>slide 2
- Artillery relentless
- I’d guess about a million shells
- Somehow can target our artillery, even though they’re hidden behind ridge
- We ran out of aspirin, earplugs.
Allied General Arthur Currie presents “Better Creeping” (circa April 9, 1917) –>slide 4
- first wave attacks behind creeping barrage
- continuous line of shells
- improve on what we did at the Somme.
Corporal Gus Sivertz (2nd Canadian Mounted Rifles) presents “Nervy” –>slide 7
- a macabre dance
- nerves vibrated
- thousands of shells, machine gun bullets whizzed overhead
- advanced over no-man’s land
- if you put your hand up, you’d touch a ceiling of sound
- and probably lose a finger or two.
French soldier learns of victory at Vimy –>slide 1
- C’est impossible!
French soldier learns four Canadian divisions fighting at Vimy with one British division–>slide 2
- Ah! les Canadiens! C’est possible!
Notes: The shelling at the battle began April 2, 1917, and the battle itself began on April 9, 1917. Vimy marked the first time that Canadian troops fought together on a a corps level, and they took the ridge with casualties of 10,000. Previous attempts to break the strong-point in the German line had cost French and British troops more than 150,000. Vimy is often seen as a defining moment in Canadian national history, and as Pierre Burton wrote in his book on the battle, it quickly attained mythic status. This seems like an appropriate post for Remembrance Day.
Photo by Andreas-Photography. Alltop and humor-blogs.com are in the trenches of comedy. Originally published November 2008.