Tag Archives | Catholic Church

Eventually, you’re going to need a robo-nun

Eucrecia is fitted for her new exoskeletonEucrecia was pretty exciting about her transformation into a Happy Ending Pleasure Bot, but the nice men at Zina-Works 3000 were having problems with the fittings.

It was delicate work. The cavity extruder was just barely powerful enough to fit Eucrecia into the chest exoskeleton and having carefully examined her lady bits, the scientists were unsure if the standard accouterments would work.

Sister Mary Hand Job was experienced at this kind of thing. Besides, she was an enthusiastic amateur cyborgier, and the nunnery was running low on fresh ovaries.


The Fridgularity Buy my latest novel, which features a fridge that wants to be a cyborg! Available in all formats in all the usual places online :

Paperback ($15.99)
Amazon.com | Barnes & Noble Amazon.ca | Get $3 off, if you buy it direct from Monkeyjoy Press. Use coupon code: YGMVFZZY.

Ebooks ($2.99 – regular $4.95)
Kindle | Smashwords (use coupon DR79J) | Kobo | Nook | iTunes

Alltop is a tiny and polite human. Image shamelessly ripped off from Fengtastic, and I have no idea where they found it. Originally published April, 2008.

Dominus Vobiscum

After the disastrous Papacy of Benedict XVI, all the secret societies decided to go a different way with the new pontiff.

Schematic for RoboPopeThe Freemasons were keen to start putting their new genetic engineering technology to use, and so create some kind of freakish monstrosity that would be a continued impediment to population control. They were shouted down by the Illuminati, who were excited about the possibilities of having the first artificial pope.

The Priory of Sion and the Jesuits were in agreement a change was in order, but they could not agree on doctrinal issues (though the Jesuits had half a candidate in mind); the Vril Society was totally useless, proposing it was now time to introduce their alien masters to the world in the form of a scaly lizard-like beast called Todd.

The Creeping Dread Society felt it was time for some sort of cephalopod to hold the office, and the Skull and Bones felt that this was Jeb’s time.

In the end, they opted for a mixture of approaches — with considerable help from Sony — and the first RoboPope was introduced to the world.

Alltop hopes to one day be a Bishop of Death, and know the Latin phrase for “The Lord be with you”. Originally published October 2010.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Pope Leo X Edition)

Pope Leo XLeo X Rejoices (circa March 11, 1513) –> slide 2

  • It has served us well, this myth of Christ.
  • God has given us the papacy
  • Let us enjoy it
  • That means party like it’s 1599!

Secretary intimus of Leo X presents a short list of things required for next Papal parade (circa 1514)
–> slide 5

  • 24 tuns of wine
  • 12 panthers
  • 3 jesters
  • plus, Hanno, the white elephant.

Alfonso Petrucci presents “The Pope must die” (circa 1517) –> slide 6

  • Spends too much money on himself
  • Always drunk
  • This “St. Peter’s Basilica” project is also very expensive
  • Not to mention the 6,000 ducats he gave in alms last year.

Leo X presents “What to do with a problem like Petrucci?” –> slide 2

  • Follow his co-conspirators
  • Wouldn’t it be terrible if they all caught fatal “food poisoning”?
  • Oh, and let’s strangle Alfonso.

Leo X presents Bull! (circa 1520) –> slide 1

  • Exsurge Domine
  • Luther must retract 41 of 95 theses
  • Or be excommunicated
  • (Christians must be taught to cherish excommunications rather than to fear them.)

Leo X presents “It’s good to be Pope” (circa 1521) –> slide 7

  • So what if Luther burned my Bull?
  • We’ll burn heretics like him.
  • Can someone do something about all these mosquitoes?
Alltop and humor-blogs.com like funny hats too. Pope Leo X, b. December 11, 1475, d. December 1, 1521 (of malaria). x Originally published, Dec. 2006.

Professor Quippy: The Vatican welcomes our alien brothers

Professor QuippyThe Vatican is making great contributions to the world of astronomy, not least of which is their plan to incorporate “extraterrestrial brothers” into the Catholic fold.

A bit of history before I pass along the news: The Inquisition condemned Galileo for suggesting the outlandish idea that the Earth orbited the sun (and not vice versa.) Galileo wisely recanted this scientifically sound idea, mostly because he did not like having hot pokers exploring his Black Hole. You’ll be happy to know that the Vatican now accepts the validity of the idea that the Earth revolves around the sun. (In 1992, the Church agreed that he was correct, and the Inquisition was wrong — with the stipulation that the Inquisition acted in good faith, super-heated probes notwithstanding.)

Since this momentous change in policy, a new Pope has taken office. Pope Benedict he has installed Reverend Jose Gabriel Funes as head of the Vatican Observatory and as his scientific advisor. The 45-year-old Jesuit priest is enthusiastic about the possibility of intelligent aliens existing:

Alien Scientologist“Just as there is a multiplicity of creatures on Earth, there can be other beings, even intelligent, created by God. This is not in contrast with our faith because we can’t put limits on God’s creative freedom,” he said. “Why can’t we speak of a ‘brother extraterrestrial’? It would still be part of creation,” he said.

And when we find these ET brother? Interstellar missionaries of course! What a fabulous chance to increase the membership in the Church. Let’s just hope the aliens aren’t the kind with acid for blood, enjoy hunting humans for sport, or are Scientologists [pictured right]. Oh, and Reverend Funes may want to read The Sparrow before he goes. (Unless he enjoys Uranus play.)

I highly recommend The Sparrow [Wiki], by the way. New Scientist stories: ET poses no problem for Vatican. Vatican admits Galileo was right. The Vatican does have issues with Humor-blogs.com and Alltop.