Salathial Turgid, Hanging Judge

Salathial Turgid, Hangin' Judge

The O’Reilly Boys finally caught up with Old Judge Turgid at the Annual Pecos River Ride and Chili Jamboree. Salathial had hung their older brother Seamus “The Tinkle” O’Reilly just the year before and they were plum angry.

But Old Judge Turgid, he didn’t mind none. In addition to having a giant noggin’ that made his ten-gallon hat look like a Boston dandy’s bowler, Salathial Turgid had a legendary intestinal track capable of containing the very vapors of Hell.

He knew it. The O’Reilly Boys knew it. And the terrified denizens of Pecos knew it.

So when they put the Colt up against his temple, he laughed and said, “Boys, the only thing keeping my sphincter shut is my continued vo-lition. I’d give you the count of ten to va-moose but I suspect one of the town-folk will kill you first.”

Thanks to Michelle Jones for her creative photo and to the Hole-in-the-Mattress Gang. Originally published February, 2008.

I want my mummy

I want my mummyDr. Fleshrender had been trying to learn ancient Egyptian mummification techniques for years, but he’d yet to master even the most basic principles.

First of all, he just wasn’t into all that yucky stuff with the internal organs and putting them in jars. Coptic or not.

Secondly, he found the mixture of soda ash, bicarbonate and household salt he was meant to bath his mummies in just unpleasant. “Natron my ass,” he’d mutter.

Thirdly, most of his volunteers did not want to have a red-hot poker shoved up their nose so he could remove their brains. (Though he was keen to try.)

He did enjoy the wrapping process though.

Alltop is more into lycanthropes. Photo by Marcel Van Der Flug via Strange Ink. Originally published, Setpember 2009.

Bathtime Follies

bathtime folliesBelinda was a notorious cheapskate, who was cloned from several ancient lines of DNA; not of any single species, Belinda’s genetic material was a chimera of strands originating with proto-humans from places that are evocative of myth, names to conjure past skinflint history with: Belgium, Holland, & Scotland.

This was pertinent because she refused to pay even the most perfunctory fee charged by the Suicide Booth Conglomerate.

Alltop is free! Originally published in August, 2007. From Toulouse Le Grandfig in the Land of the Future.

Toulouse Le Grandfig's Summer Vacation: Onions

Onion-lovingShattolott City, 1932

The man who loved onions.

He loved onions

Loved em. Really.

He loooved them. If you catch my drift.

The authorities frowned on his vegetable affections, but he would not stop. I sing joy monkey monkey at his happy artifice.

But in this country, I did not eat.

Next Time: On the Fields of Eton

About the Photographer: Toulouse Le Grandfig was a surrealist painter, photographer and writer who never gave up dadaism. Also, he never wore that frilly gown. Never!

Seriously, you have to go buy Amazon.com. Or just one of the books there, we suggest this one. Do it or the blog gets it. We’re fading already! Originally published in 2008.