Ask General Kang: How do you treat visiting dignitaries?

Ask General KangDamnit Jim, I’m an Interstellar Warlord not a Doctor, so I don’t “treat” visiting dignitaries at all. Unless you mean treat in the sense of, “you’ll love these chilled hominid brains, it’s a real treat.”

Ew. No, I mean, what kind of protocol do you follow?

It depends quite a bit on my diplomatic goals. If I want something from them, then I don’t put them in the burrowing gastro-intestinal worm wing of our Foreign Secretary’s guest quarters (unless they like that kind of thing). And if I’m in some kind of negotiation, then it will depend a little on our relative power positions. For example:

They have an armada of interstellar warships, plasma guns charged and surrounding the planet, then I install them in a nice hotel: room service, free mini bar, and all the massages they can handle from Buk-buk, the Talented Orangutan.

If they don’t have an armada, then I usually just enslave the diplomatic party and send them to the Chalkboard Mines on Screechy XII (known on my home planet as the “alien’s tooth-gnashing graveyard.)

You did know I was an Interstellar Overlord, right? Generally speaking, we don’t go for the whole “negotiation” thing. Unless there is chilled hominid brains involved, then maybe…

Next time: I notice you’re wearing a uniform. Do the other apes on your planet wear clothes, and in particular, pants?

Alltop once had chilled brains at the START of the meal. Freaks! Originally published in September, 2007!