The wonderful thing about tautologies

After a certain point, the previous night was all a blur.

He’d started the usual way: he burst through the door, landing on the nearest (and fattest) person, introduced himself, and then sang the song. (He’d paid the Sherman Brothers a fortune for it, so he sang it at every opportunity. And he enjoyed the frenetic dancing and bouncing too.)

The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber;
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They’re bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy,
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I’m the only one!

“That’s a tautology!” the enormous biker he’d landed on said. He weighed about 300 pounds and had the most impressive mullet that Tigger had ever seen. It was magnificent!

“Thank you!” he’d said.

“It wasn’t a compliment. You can’t say you’re wonderful, and then prove that by saying you’re wonderful. It’s a self-reinforcing statement that can’t be disproved because you’re assuming you’re correct.”

The other bikers in the bar agreed, nodding their heads.

“If you’d said, Tiggers are wonderful because we’re bouncy, that would have been fine,” the guy behind the bar said. He was wearing a leather vest and had nearly as much hair on him as Tigger, though it wasn’t a wonderful orange color.

“But I AM wonderful!” Tigger said, confused. “The Sherman Brothers wouldn’t lie about it.”

“I don’t know who the Sherman Brothers are, but they have very poor logic skills,” said the giant biker Tigger was sitting on.

“And I don’t want to be one of those guys,” said the bartender, “but their rhymes are kind of pedestrian and that bridge does not scan well at all.”

He reached under the bar and produced a baseball bat.

Alltop is great, because it’s just so fabulous! Originally published January 2011, and now also in Pirate Therapy and Other Cures.

The Disney Gang


They called themselves the Disney Gang, despite the fact that two-fifths of their members were clearly aficionados of the Popeye milieu.

In fact, Chester “Popeye” Doyle was their leader; he did a crack impression of the pugnacious cartoon sailor, and liked to bludgeon enemies with a pillow case filled with cans of spinach. Barry “The Duck” Trepanning did an excellent impression too, though this made him completely incomprehensible during the high stress moments of their many bank jobs and shootouts. During the Mud Lick Massacre he did a classic Donald Duck freak out that had the cops in stitches, even with all the casualties. Both of the mice were menacingly quiet, and police were never able to identify the bodies, so we don’t even know who they were.

And of course Reggie “The Wimps” Testeron, like their hero Walt, thought arson was hilarious.

Alltop is a firebug of comedy. Awesome photo via Twisted Vintage. Originally published September 2010.