New sect of Pastafarians believes it is Vikings, not pirates, that cause global warming

the great pasta (spaghetti monster) in viking helmetLondon, Ontario (The Skwib) — The first schism within the Pastafarian religion has appeared in the sleepy Canadian city of London, Ontario, and it is led by the charismatic preacher Dr. Maximilian Tundra.

“Other worshipers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster have claimed that it is declining number of pirates that have caused the increase in global warming, hurricanes and earthquakes. In truth it is the lack of Vikings that has caused these ills, indeed, most of our problems are because we lack vikings,” Dr. Tundra, the self-proclaimed Prophet of the Pasta told The Skwib.

Tundra is an unlicensed physician, best known for his avant-garde work in the pharmaceutical and plastic surgery industries. Though he does not come from an evangelical background, Tundra has gathered an impressive number of worshipers of the Great Pasta.

“I have communed with the Great Pasta at length,” Tundra said, “and it has told me that we must produce more Vikings or the Earth is doomed. It also said that I should really reduce my peyote button intake.”

The new sect, called the Norse Pastafarians, have suggested that the false religion fell into the trap of thinking it was pirates that have caused so many disasters because they do not take a “long, historical view” of human history. They also do not believe in redundancy.

When asked if there would soon be a “mongol horde” version of Pastafarianism, Tundra ran away, shouting: “I cannot say more — the Lord has told me you are on the South Beach Diet!”

Alltop wishes they were vikings. More details at The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Less biased info at Wikipedia. Originally published in August, 2005 — that’s like 30 years ago in web time!

Ask General Kang: How did you deal with climate change on your planet?

Ask General KangAn interesting question. Because my planet is so far advanced of yours, we experienced our major climate changes about a millennia ago.

Like you are currently experiencing, on Neecknaw we discovered that our oil and coal-based economy increased the carbon dioxide load in our atmosphere past the point of the planet being able to deal with it. (Unlike Earth, the main culprit was not the car but our massive fez and tutu industries.)

As is happening here on Earth, the primitive nation-states of Neecknaw were unable to agree on ways to reduce the carbon emissions and so, ameliorate the changes. We did use a few mitigation strategies, such as seeding the atmosphere with sulphur dioxide to block solar radiation, but this had the effect of killing many of our freshwater lakes and waterways with massive storms of acid rain. The acid rain also played hell with everyone’s tutus and fezzes, which meant that we had to produce more tutus and fezzes, resulting in an unforeseen positive feedback loop.

So we all agreed that seeding the atmosphere with SO2 was a bad idea. (You must understand how attached the average Neecknabian is to their fez/tutu.)

But we didn’t ever tackle the CO2 problem, and the warming continued.

Eventually, there was a massive spike in temperatures, which happened very quickly. Most of our coastal cities drowned, the equatorial regions became uninhabitable, and even then, most of our resources went into fez and tutu construction. Roughly ninety percent of the Neecknabian population died, civilization collapsed, and the scarcity of food resulted in a somewhat loose interpretation of cannibalism. (These are sometimes referred to as the “Tasty Ape Age”, though I would never be so crass.)

Luckily, this die-back had the effect of weeding out the weakest of our species, and when Magnok the Foot-Eater conquered the continent of Floog, he was able to quickly rebuild society. Eventually, a brilliant gorilla invented fusion and our economy was based on that power source instead of carbon.

But you know, even though everyone understood the fez and the tutu were the cause of this disaster, Neecknabians are still devoted to the sartorial splendor they impart; however, a series of brutal conquerors have reserved these items of clothing for only the most elite troops.

Is it possible to hot-wire a faster-than-light vehicle with a bottle of lube and my sister’s vibrator?

Alltop wears a beanie and a kilt, but don’t ask it what’s going on under there. Originally published, December, 2009.

Ask General Kang: How do you beat high gas prices?

Ask General KangI have never owned one of your quaint “internal combustion engine” vehicles, so I have not had to worry about the high price of gas, but I have been getting nailed on the cost of most foods appropriate for the Thringian Keg-Beast that I ride to work every day.

On my home planet, I fed my Keg-Beast hyper-bananas, usually leftover from the über-chimp orgy the night before; but since I’ve been on Earth, there has been a dearth of both hyper-bananas (apparently they won’t grow in your frigid Earth climate) and über-chimp swinging events (this explains why I am so cranky). So, I’ve found alternatives; the Keg-Beast runs best on a mixture of corn syrup, mescaline and the sweat of writers living in a state of quiet despair. Most of those elements are plentiful and relatively cheap, but do you have any idea how costly corn syrup is?

You humans are stupid! You’re burning fossil fuels to grow corn, which you turn into ethanol to burn along with your fossil fuels. Why don’t you just cut out the middle-man and take a flamethrower to your cornfields when they’re ripe? You will lose only a fraction of the energy value and most of the vegetable matter will end up adding to global warming.

As an added bonus: big fire!

Then your planet will be able to grow hyper-bananas, and all will be well.

… Assuming we can get a few female über-chimps down here too.

Next time: I’m trapped in the Andromeda galaxy because my hyper-drive engine is asking for a better benefits package — how do it get it back to work without giving it full dental?

Alltop would try this, but it’s allergic to bananas.

Ask General Kang: I’ve just spilled really hot coffee in my lap — is this what they mean by "global warming"?

Ask General KangMost of the scientific community and a large number of other thinking hominids believe global warming to be an observed increase in the average temperature of the Earth’s atmosphere and oceans in recent decades. Most of those people accept that anthropogenic greenhouse gas emissions are a major contributing factor to global warming.

For the rest, your definition is no doubt preferable.

Next time: What is the proper etiquette for introducing yourself to the Queen of the Netherlands while in a state of undress?

Alltop loves warming its globe. Originally published in September, 2006! Now a part of my collection, Pirate Therapy and Other Cures.