Tag Archives | high school

Career Day for Jim

figurehead -- wooden mermaid

School was lame. Adults were lame. Life, itself, was a series of lame events. None more so than Career Day.

These were the thoughts of Jim as he walked into the gymnasium for the Beaverbrook High career day. At least he didn’t have to sit through the tedium and ennui of Mr. Leekie’s calculus class, or the thinly-veiled bipolar disorder of Ms. Bentz, his English Composition teacher.

Jim suppressed the memories of Ms. Bentz’s painfully lame, manic, dark poetry, and checked out this year’s Cavalcade of Losers. These were the employers, the good corporate “citizens” of his home town with suggestions on how its young adults could plan for an exciting life serving hamburgers.

At least he wasn’t in class.

He had to admit, the selection was good this year, if pointless. There were some lawyers, some engineers from the city, and a large crowd of kids was milling around the booth hosted by a company in town that made web games. As if, Jim thought.

He sighed. This was his last year in high school and he still didn’t know what he wanted to do. His marks were good enough for university, but he knew his family couldn’t afford it — and the thought of taking all that debt was just too much. His family was on the verge of losing their house. He wasn’t supposed to know that, but he did. It was hyper-lame.

Then he heard a voice behind him: “Arrr Jim, have ye’ considered a life at sea?”

Feeling the ennui? Pirate a smile with this funny fiction.

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Alltop be fond of Talk Like a Pirate Day. Have a good one, ye’ bilge rats.Figurehead by Scottnj. Originally appeared in Pirate Therapy and Other Cures, 2012.

Ask General Kang: I’ve just started high school, and I wonder, how I can improve my self-esteem?

Ask General KangSome researchers will tell you that self-esteem is heavily influenced by things you will have no control over, such as your looks, and how “cool” you are seen to be by your peers.

And popularity too.

Now, if I’d let such trifles get in my way, I never would have conquered most of the known galaxy. You may not know it to look at me, particularly you hairless humans, but for an uber-chimp, I’m somewhat less hirsute than the Neecknabian ideal.

And in high school, I looked positively glabrous. That might be a good thing in Hollywood gay bars, but at Commander Chee-bee High, not good. (Commander Chee-bee was the Hero of the Spider Wars, inventor of the “brush and flush” battle maneuver, for those of you not up on the glorious history of Planet Neecknaw.) But did I obsess over the patches of skin you could see through my thin layer of hair?

Of course I did! It was high school.

But I used it. I drove the rage deep inside and it helped me overcome the Neecknabian Senate, using nothing but guile, a bathtub filled with depilatory, and several squads of insanely loyal, bald gorilloids with halitosis and broadswords. (Later these stalwarts became the Gorilloids-with-Fezes Brigade.)

When I was undisputed master of all of Planet Neecknaw, my old high school chums understood who was popular, and who wasn’t.

Then the forced shavings began.

Next time: I just bought a ten-kilometer long spaceship with enough firepower to obliterate a small moon. Do you think it will look like I’m over-compensating for something?

Alltop is always overcompensating with humor.