Salathial Turgid, Hanging Judge

Salathial Turgid, Hangin' Judge

The O’Reilly Boys finally caught up with Old Judge Turgid at the Annual Pecos River Ride and Chili Jamboree. Salathial had hung their older brother Seamus “The Tinkle” O’Reilly just the year before and they were plum angry.

But Old Judge Turgid, he didn’t mind none. In addition to having a giant noggin’ that made his ten-gallon hat look like a Boston dandy’s bowler, Salathial Turgid had a legendary intestinal track capable of containing the very vapors of Hell.

He knew it. The O’Reilly Boys knew it. And the terrified denizens of Pecos knew it.

So when they put the Colt up against his temple, he laughed and said, “Boys, the only thing keeping my sphincter shut is my continued vo-lition. I’d give you the count of ten to va-moose but I suspect one of the town-folk will kill you first.”

Thanks to Michelle Jones for her creative photo and to the Hole-in-the-Mattress Gang. Originally published February, 2008.

Lucidiva™ — Side effects

close up of big bird -- freakyCommon side effects include heavy breathing, panting, hyperventilation, lack of peripheral vision, excessive screaming, painful hearing and nasal discharge that may look like rice pudding. Sorry, but it happens.

You should probably enjoy flatulence if you want to take this drug, unless you live at an even-numbered address, in which case, expect projectile vomiting on an hourly basis. Married men can expect long periods of impotence, though we have not conclusively proved this is because of the drug.

Single men in the company of nuns should be ready for painful, humiliating bouts of extreme priapism. Women will want to have a razor handy. (For the excessive hair growth, not for dealing with priapism.)

If you’re thinking about taking this drug while driving, just stop right there. Also, most people taking this drug find themselves incapable of walking, crawling or singing the works of Cole Porter. Gershwin is ok.

Rare side effects include basket weaving, syncopated urination, frequent urination, explosive urination and occasionally, urination. We recommend you set up an IV BEFORE you take your first dose.

Speaking of your first dose, when you begin taking Lucidiva™, you will experience a clarity of thought and eloquence of speech that makes President Obama look like his predecessor. We apologize to everyone trying to take an MBA, but clearly Lucidiva™ is not for you.

If your skin begins to strobe, consult your physician. If you fingernails burst into flame, put them out, but not with water. That will not work. Trust us on this. Use baking powder, or some kind of halon system. Just hold your breath. If you happen to inhale halon while taking Lucidiva™ we cannot be held responsible. Just make sure your will is up to date.

Very rarely, patients experience visions of aliens, talking monkeys and sometimes, angels. If the latter, it is acceptable to consult a priest.

Finally, if you see the bird, don’t try to talk to it. Don’t even look –

Alltop has heard the bird is the word.

Originally appeared on Grasping for the Wind on October 8.