Tag Archives | mythology

The Bellerephon Problem

a monkey riding a goat

Bellerophon rides Pegasus to do battle with the Chimera

After murdering his brother for eating all the Cheetos, Bellerephon was exiled from Corinth. (A city famed for its Elvis impersonators and epic combovers.)

Then his luck turned. After avoiding the mechanized Probe-a-trons sent by the King of Corinth (aka, Dad) to finish him off, the plucky psychopath found refuge at the city of Tiryns, one of the Mycenaean strongholds of the Argolid. (This means they had a fortress AND indoor plumbing.)

Bellerephon wasted no time getting busy. And so, he was soon accused of attempting to rape the King of Tiryns’ wife, Antea. But the King of Tiryns did not want to kill our “hero” (we are legally obligated to use that term, even though “protagonist” would be more accurate). You see, our “hero” and the king had already shared a meal together, and the gods frowned on the killing of houseguests. (Though not brothers, apparently.) Instead, he sent Bellerephon on a suicide mission to kill the Chimera.

Scraped together from bits of DNA in the lab of Dr. Zeus, Father of the Gods (and a thorough maniac) the Chimera had the body of a goat, the tail of a serpent, the gonads of the Epherian bull, and the head of a lion. Oh, and it breathed fire. It enjoyed terrorizing the villagers of Lycia when it wasn’t violating unsuspecting she-bovines.

Thanks Zeus!

Athena, who in addition to being a god, was the CEO of a major multinational that dealt in common sense, knew that this was an excellent chance to destroy the Chimera. (They’d wanted to move into the Lycian market for years, but their sales force kept getting incinerated before they could ink a deal.) She helped Bellerephon to saddle and tame the mighty Pegasus. (In addition to being able to fly, Pegasus was flame retardant.)

Even this marvellous steed could not save them from the fiery breath of the Chimera. They were doomed. DOOOOMED!

Then Bellerephon had an idea. Using Pegasus as an ersatz dive-bomber, they approached the Chimera, and at the last moment, he threw a massive chunk of lead at the beast’s mouth. Its flaming breath melted the lead, which blocked its airway, and the creature was killed!

And instead of being killed for his attempted rape of Antea, he was lauded as a hero! (Not just a “hero.”) Oh, the sexy parties. The gold. The women. The giant swollen mellon that was his ego.

That’s when he decided to run for public office.

The End

The Fridgularity Buy my latest novel, which is the mythic tale of a chimeric fridge. Available in all formats in all the usual places online:

Paperback ($15.99)
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Alltop is more of a gorgon-slaying humor aggregator.

Marvellous Hairy Podcasts — Episode Five

The Marvellous Hairy PodcastsIn Episode Five (Part II – The Human Ideal – chapters four and five), Rob and Nick meet Seedy and Spider for an “exchange”, and then go to the Hated University to meet their friend Erma. The three old friends go to dinner at a place by the harbour called the Itchy Crab, where Nick regales them with tales of what his inner monkey can accomplish, and he and Erma fall in love. In chapter five, we see more of the bit players Blossom, Hippolyta, Mrs. Moth and Starveling, as they discuss what is to be done about the psychopathic Spider.

An excerpt from chapter four:

Nick was bugging me. He was making me feel stupid. Most of the time I think of him as a creative madman — sometimes as a visionary. I don’t really know any other visionaries, so I’m not sure what they’re supposed to be like, but I didn’t think so strange. Nick let his laugh turn into a kind of bark. A chattering kind of yap, and the next thing I knew he was standing on top of the table, slapping his chest like a gorilla and making these weird snorting, barking, laughing sounds. He was putting it on, of course, but it was odd — odd enough to bring the owner of the Itchy Crab over, who asked him to stop it. (Funny, you’d think someone who could name their seafood restaurant the Itchy Crab would have a sense of humor.)

Nick pretended to groom the owner’s hairpiece, and then sat down before the man got really angry. Erma was rocking in her chair, she was laughing so hard.

You can find Episode One here, Episode Two here, and Episode Three here, Episode Four here. Or you may want to subscribe via iTunes. I’ll be listing all the released episodes here, and when I’ve got five done, I’ll be joining Podiobooks.com.

You can buy the book at the publisher’s website, because surely you don’t want to wait until the Fall, when it will be in stores?