Leonides and the papier-mâché spatula

lady wakes up to discover she's a velocoraptor

Gregorina awoke that morning feeling stranger than usual. She’d had vivid dreams of ravaging Leonides, their local butcher, with his own meat tenderizer.

In the dream – or perhaps it would do her good to think of it as a nightmare – Leonides seemed to enjoy the beginning of his beating, but when he realized it was not an overture to a more gentle form of lovemaking, and in fact, the beginning of the end of his life, he cried out in existential anguish: "Oh no! Not with the mallet I use to prepare scaloppini, not such an ignominious and ironic end for poor Leonides!" (Clearly, Gregorina’s unconscious suspected that Leonides had taken an English degree before learning a more useful trade.)

As she dressed, Gregorina could not shake the image of the butcher’s terror, spurting blood, and excellent prices on Bavarian blutwurst.

And all day, she kept having to floss.

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A Life of Adventure

A life of adventure
He was born Jars Peeblefrench, son of Bjorn and Nellie Peeblefrench, of the Stavenger Peeblefrenches — a family of well-established merchants in the toenail clipping district. Jars was tired of being Norwegian, and he left his family for a life of adventure and creeping insanity on the high seas.

Frustrated by his eternal desire for lutefisk and herring, he instead tamed the Turtle-Beast of Neepneep; he then conquered most of the Japanese Islands through a combination of terror, sheer chutzpa and cartoons that had no discernable plot or coherent narrative.

Later, he was bronzed while riding the massive reptile, and is now known simply as “Barry.”

Alltop is the Barry of humor aggregators. Part of the Toulouse Le Grandfig collection. | Photo by QbiT