Should we boycott the Olympics in Russia?

Ask General Kang -- chimp dressed as Napoleon on a globe
Absolutely! I think it’s disgraceful the way that Russia treats its gay and lesbian citizens. On top of that, I don’t think the Ruskies have any idea how many figure skaters their laws would disqualify, and let’s face it, a winter Olympics without the excellent bloodsport of figure skating is just not worth watching.

On the other hand, you’re running the risk that there will be an even worse backlash in Russia if the world decides to boycott the games. Let me tell you a story:

When I was Interstellar Overlord of the Panopticon Galaxy, the Porcine Ascendency attempted to boycott my Ape Races (which was similar to your own Olympics, though we had no event as savage as the compulsory dance). Why? Because I had recently enslaved a sapient race of bot-bellied pigs from the Planet Gogspoo, forcing them to wear tutus and make cute Internet videos for the pleasure of my easily-distracted proles.

And you know what I did? I served those cute little Gogspoonians at the Triumphal Banquet of Shame (held for all the second-place finishers the day before the closing ceremonies of the Ape Games.)

Oh, don’t look so shocked. Remember, I was evil when I was an Interstellar Overlord.

Is there no hope for making a meaningful statement about this human rights travesty?

Of course there is. There’s two courses of action you could take. In the first, you just need to follow the money. If you can’t get the countries involved to boycott the games, perhaps you can convince enough regular people not to buy the products of the companies that sponsor the Olympics. Ensure nobody is buying the burgers and cokes and whatever other unhealthy crap they try to sell you during your biannual celebration of human jock itch. That will make the point, because next time, the Olympic Organizing Committee MAY take that into consideration when they’re awarding the games, and put them in a country that has a decent human rights record.

OR. You could take some of the most ruthless, cunning and savage figure skaters alive and breed them into super-human mutants. Dress them in rhinestone-bedecked unitards and equip them with plasma weapons. Then release them on the unsuspecting Russian oligarchs that passed the repressive law.

I think you know which solution I favor.

Alltop loves its rhinestone humor feed.

Ask General Kang: Did you have the Olympics on your home world?

Ask General KangThat is a ridiculous question! I come from another planet, deep in another galaxy, on which the dominant lifeforms have evolved along a completely different track from you humans.

What are the odds that we would have a celebration of sporting excellence that happens every four years, a measure of time based on your own star, the sun, incidentally?

Do you know how improbable it would be for that to happen?  Not even to mention the cultural unlikelihood of an exact replication of your sports.  Can you imagine how badly a gorilloid would do in the 200-meter butterfly event? They’d just sink to the bottom of the pool! And just think of how horrible it would be to watch an über-chimp try to run the 100-meter — we’d scrape our knuckles to the bone.

Besides, we couldn’t afford to bribe the IOC — that shit is expensive.

Next time:
how often should you clean your Space Weasel’s hyper-cube?

Alltop is the Olympics of funny.

The Slovakian

The Slovakian -- master coach of the beard olympics

To those of us covering the games as journalists, he was known simply as The Slovakian, but to the many athletes who depended on his expertise, he was much, much more than a name.

He was a prickly taskmaster. He bristled whenever an athlete did not make the most of his talents. His sense of humor and pride were best described as ticklish.

And for anyone hoping to win gold, his training regimen was indispensable.

He was the greatest whisker coach of the Beard Olympics.

Alltop enjoys a little facial fungus. Awesome photo by zamario.