Tag Archives: Olympics

Ask General Kang: Did you have the Olympics on your home world?

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Ask General KangThat is a ridiculous question! I come from another planet, deep in another galaxy, on which the dominant lifeforms have evolved along a completely different track from you humans.

What are the odds that we would have a celebration of sporting excellence that happens every four years, a measure of time based on your own star, the sun, incidentally?

Do you know how improbable it would be for that to happen?  Not even to mention the cultural unlikelihood of an exact replication of your sports.  Can you imagine how badly a gorilloid would do in the 200-meter butterfly event? They’d just sink to the bottom of the pool! And just think of how horrible it would be to watch an über-chimp try to run the 100-meter — we’d scrape our knuckles to the bone.

Besides, we couldn’t afford to bribe the IOC — that shit is expensive.

Next time: how often should you clean your Space Weasel’s hyper-cube?

Alltop is the Olympics of funny.

The Slovakian

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The Slovakian -- master coach of the beard olympics

To those of us covering the games as journalists, he was known simply as The Slovakian, but to the many athletes who depended on his expertise, he was much, much more than a name.

He was a prickly taskmaster. He bristled whenever an athlete did not make the most of his talents. His sense of humor and pride were best described as ticklish.

And for anyone hoping to win gold, his training regimen was indispensable.

He was the greatest whisker coach of the Beard Olympics.

Alltop enjoys a little facial fungus. Awesome photo by zamario.

The CTV Olympic news cycle

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CTV Olympic logoFrom my witty and insightful Chesleyan colleague, Martin Redfern:

  1. Exaggerate Canadian chances of a medal. Show profile.
  2. Present entire competition as the story of #1.
  3. Don’t forget to mention all the injuries and hardships overcome: broken legs, cranial trauma, corns, nymphomaniac sister…
  4. Pretend to be surprised and disappointed by outcome when athlete does not win gold.
  5. Interview Canadian athlete and ask, in essence, “How does it feel to have disappointed your entire country, loser?”
  6. Casually mention any Canadian connection — no matter how tenuous — to the athlete who did win gold.
  7. Go to 1.
Alltop also has high expectations.