Tag Archives | ontario

At the GruntWerx Board of Directors Meeting


As you know, GruntWerx is the premier human relations solution provider to the world. Our products and services help the globe’s most influential companies maintain, improve and oversee their workforces.

As CEO, my personal mission has been to bring ridiculous value to the shareholders. And I have.

Before I reveal our latest plans, let’s step back, and see how I’ve accomplished this wonderful increase in the worth of our shares.

Over the past decade, we’ve seen a general decline in the privacy protections of the average consumer and worker: This has been helpful to our corporate mission. Concurrently, GruntWerx scientists and developers have created new technologies that have earned GruntWerxgeometric share value growth since we went public three years ago.

Share value doubled when we unveiled our patented SocialWerx software. For those of you too busy to read the executive summary, let me explain. SocialWerx enables our corporate clients to crawl through every bit of personal data on the Internet and social networks, regardless of TOS contracts, to identify hiring risks, and problem employees.

Share value doubled again when we implemented our FaceWerx technology – a patented system that combines facial recognition software with the SocialWerx engine, enabling corporations to use imaging from any photographs or video posted online to identify hiring risks, difficult employees, and importantly, worker behaviors that are deemed problematic. We have the computing power to spider the Net in almost real time.

The best thing about FaceWerx? It does not rely on the vagaries of social media and virality. FaceWerx catches all behaviours deemed undesirable by our corporate clients.

It’s not up to us to decide what behaviours our corporate clients target. It’s up to them. It’s theirright to decide. If they want to fire someone for behaving like a sexist idiot, they can. Same goes if they don’t like someone’s politics, or religion, or the weird flash fictions they write online. We just provide the tools.

Last year, we introduced the OptionWerx system, which allows wealthy individuals the opportunity to be omitted from our searches. We have set this premium so high that only the wealthiest of executives can afford to pay, and so, our overall products are unaffected. (And I hope you enjoy your complimentary membership in OptionWerx, you scamps.)

But onto the future of GruntWerx. Our R&D has yielded results again.

It is my great pleasure to introduce to you, for the first time, our new ThoughtWerx line of products. Yes, now we can read the thoughts and intentions of consumers and workers everywhere. Can you imagine how much our clients will be willing to pay for that? And the share value?

Investors are going to lose their minds.

The End

Note: This was a commissioned flash fiction. I was asked to write something about the cases of the two sexist boneheads who recently got fired and disciplined in Ontario. One was fired for yelling really offensive things at a female reporter, and the other disciplined for being equally douchy to a comedian at an industry awards banquet. I had no desire to write a commentary about this, but Jason Winders, the editor of the Western News, was open to a fiction piece.

You can find the original At the GruntWerx Board of Directors Meeting here.

Alltop enjoys a good grunt.

My conversation with Robert Chazz Chute

Robert Chazz ChuteI’d encourage you all to check out the Cool People Podcast this week, in which the host (and fellow London, ON author) Robert Chazz Chute, and I discuss the singularity, technology, and monkey brains! (And yes, this means I’m officially “cool”.)

Robert Chazz Chute is the award-winning author of the bestselling serial, This Plague of Days, featuring an autistic boy facing down the end of the world in a dystopian future than could begin in real life at any moment. Plus zombies! (But not real zombies.) And possibly vampires! (But not real vampires.)

And if you’re in the Other London (The “For Rest” City), join the two of us to hear us read from our work, talk more complete shite, and even offer some tips on how to do the self-publishing thing.

London Central Library (Stevenson & Hunt Room)
7 pm
Thursday, November 14
Facebook Event Page

Alltop loves a good zombie-monkey-brain tale.

You’re invited to Indie Author Night

Indie Author Night

I’d like to invite anyone who is the region of London, Ontario (or all you readers with some cash or frequent flyer points to burn), to come to a reading and discussion of the indie publishing at the London (ON) Public Library on Thursday.

Facebook Event Page
Place: London Public Library, Central Branch: Stevenson & Hunt room
Time: 7 pm
Day: November 14 (Thursday)

I’ll be reading from Pirate Therapy and Other Cures and The Fridgularty. My conspirator for the evening is Robert Chazz Chute, another Other London indie author. He’s going to be reading from post-apocalyptic (zombieish) and very popular This Plague of Days. You can find him at his website, Chazzwrites.com.

Afterwards, we’ll have a discussion of the publishing world, indie publishing, self-publishing, and Chazz has promised a dramatic reading and breakdancing. (He was kind enough to volunteer me for the latter, so you’re in for a horrifying evening.)

Alltop loves a good breakdance emergency.

If on a Summer’s Day, a Fridgularity

You are reading a blog posting about Mark A. Rayner’s most recent book, The Fridgularity. You had been hoping to find a funny picture, and maybe a microfiction that played off that image, but instead, you find yourself reading another self-promotional piece about the author’s efforts to sell his satirical tale about the technological singularity.

What kind of man writes a satire about a hypothetical future in which robots — or artificial intelligences — take over from human beings, anyway? Despite your misgivings, you are intrigued, and continue to read. Is this posting going to be self-congratulatory as well as self-promotional, or will there be some merit to it. Will this blog posting waste my time? Make me angry? Or will I find in it a sense of whimsy and humor that finally encourages me to buy the damned book, so this fellow will stop going on about it?

Your finger is about to click on the mouse, and then you see there is a photograph.

panda with camera

This is promising. It is an amusing photo of a panda taking a picture of a young boy. It is in sepia tone, which appeals to you for some reason. Perhaps the story you had originally hoped for will now be forthcoming. But you see instead, a link to a listing of media outlets that has a news story about the author’s book, The Fridgularity: Western News, The Londoner, The Beat, Metro (London), The Daily Political, and others.

You have given this post all the time you are going to, but then you see there is an audio file as well. He did an interview with Al Coombs on CJBK radio, which is possibly entertaining. If nothing else, you would be interesting in hearing what this freak sounds like:

Alltop sounds funny. Panda pic via Imfunny, though who knows where they got it from. The author expresses his regret at ripping off Italo Calvino’s genius novel, If on a Winter’s Night, a Traveler.