Tag Archives | pirates

Career Day for Jim

figurehead -- wooden mermaid

School was lame. Adults were lame. Life, itself, was a series of lame events. None more so than Career Day.

These were the thoughts of Jim as he walked into the gymnasium for the Beaverbrook High career day. At least he didn’t have to sit through the tedium and ennui of Mr. Leekie’s calculus class, or the thinly-veiled bipolar disorder of Ms. Bentz, his English Composition teacher.

Jim suppressed the memories of Ms. Bentz’s painfully lame, manic, dark poetry, and checked out this year’s Cavalcade of Losers. These were the employers, the good corporate “citizens” of his home town with suggestions on how its young adults could plan for an exciting life serving hamburgers.

At least he wasn’t in class.

He had to admit, the selection was good this year, if pointless. There were some lawyers, some engineers from the city, and a large crowd of kids was milling around the booth hosted by a company in town that made web games. As if, Jim thought.

He sighed. This was his last year in high school and he still didn’t know what he wanted to do. His marks were good enough for university, but he knew his family couldn’t afford it — and the thought of taking all that debt was just too much. His family was on the verge of losing their house. He wasn’t supposed to know that, but he did. It was hyper-lame.

Then he heard a voice behind him: “Arrr Jim, have ye’ considered a life at sea?”

Feeling the ennui? Pirate a smile with this funny fiction.

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Alltop be fond of Talk Like a Pirate Day. Have a good one, ye’ bilge rats.Figurehead by Scottnj. Originally appeared in Pirate Therapy and Other Cures, 2012.

Pirate etymology: sea dog

Grrr! by Jesper Egelund

Many believe the term stems from the dog-like appearance of the seal, while others claim it is grizzled old sailors. Both of these are correct, nautically speaking, but not when it comes to the pirate.

Pirates, and more particularly, privateers, became known as sea dogs after the astonishing career of Captain Rufus the Flatulent.

Captain Rufus was given his Letter of Marque by Henry VIII, and plied his trade in the English Channel, off the coast of Aquitaine, and wherever Henry was at war. The privateer campaign in Aquitaine was particular successful, and Captain Rufus took many a prize. (Henry always had a hard time getting these out of Rufus’s jaws, but he was easily distracted by the piles of cooked swan that Henry had lying around the castle.)

In fact, the etymology of the term begins in Aquitaine, where French merchantmen sailors would cry, upon seeing Rufus’s standard (a set of crossed bones), “sauve qui peu, c’est le chein du mer!” (Sometimes they would just wet themselves and jump in the ocean without shouting anything.)

This “cheien du mer” cry quickly became anglicized, and is the now-famous, “sea dog.”

Alltop Grrr!, a photo by Jesper Egelund on Flickr.

New sect of Pastafarians believes it is Vikings, not pirates, that cause global warming

the great pasta (spaghetti monster) in viking helmetLondon, Ontario (The Skwib) — The first schism within the Pastafarian religion has appeared in the sleepy Canadian city of London, Ontario, and it is led by the charismatic preacher Dr. Maximilian Tundra.

“Other worshipers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster have claimed that it is declining number of pirates that have caused the increase in global warming, hurricanes and earthquakes. In truth it is the lack of Vikings that has caused these ills, indeed, most of our problems are because we lack vikings,” Dr. Tundra, the self-proclaimed Prophet of the Pasta told The Skwib.

Tundra is an unlicensed physician, best known for his avant-garde work in the pharmaceutical and plastic surgery industries. Though he does not come from an evangelical background, Tundra has gathered an impressive number of worshipers of the Great Pasta.

“I have communed with the Great Pasta at length,” Tundra said, “and it has told me that we must produce more Vikings or the Earth is doomed. It also said that I should really reduce my peyote button intake.”

The new sect, called the Norse Pastafarians, have suggested that the false religion fell into the trap of thinking it was pirates that have caused so many disasters because they do not take a “long, historical view” of human history. They also do not believe in redundancy.

When asked if there would soon be a “mongol horde” version of Pastafarianism, Tundra ran away, shouting: “I cannot say more — the Lord has told me you are on the South Beach Diet!”

Alltop wishes they were vikings. More details at The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Less biased info at Wikipedia. Originally published in August, 2005 — that’s like 30 years ago in web time!

How many pirate jokes are lame?


Most of them ARRRRRR!

To err is human.

To ARRR is pirate.


How do you know if you are a Pirate?

You don’t, you just AAARRRRR!


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Alltop be a bilge rat of humor aggregatARRRRs.