Winter Olympics: Polar Biathlon

You’d think that a combination sport that included brutal cross-country skiing and the use of firearms would be really exciting. And you’d be wrong.

But we have the solution. It does, however, require the addition of polar bears.

Polar biathlon -- x-country skiing with polar bears!

In a regular biathlon, the athletes ski a certain distance, and then have to fire their rifle from either prone or standing positions. They carry small bore rifles, and fire at five separate targets. We’ve changed the skiing component to one flat-out race against a polar bear, at the end of which the athlete must turn, un-shoulder their rifle, and fire at the polar bear. Obviously, this wouldn’t be very sporting if the athletes only got a small bore rifle — a .22 slug is probably going to feel like a mosquito bite to a polar bear — so we’re suggesting a much heavier caliber, but in the spirit of fair play, they will only get one shot.

Now, it will take a well-trained athlete to get even one shot off. The race is 300 meters for the human, and 400 for the bear. However, polar bears can run up to 11 meters per second, and the top speed of even the best cross-country skier is 9 meters per second, and that’s without carrying a rifle capable of bringing down a polar bear with one shot. The best athletes will have at most several seconds to un-sling their rifle, aim and shoot.

The worst athletes will give new meaning to “the agony of defeat.”

But we can hear you thinking, “isn’t this cruel to the polar bears?” Well, they’re all going to drown in a few years anyway, right, and this way they get a fighting chance.

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Alltop suggested the bears get chainsaws too, but it seemed a little over the top.