Tag Archives | politics

Ask General Kang: What should you do if you discover your leader is a hypocrite?

Ask General KangFirst of all, don’t be surprised. Then, I suppose it depends a little what kind of hypocrite.

For example, if you are talking about a leader of a church — let’s say for the sake of argument, an evangelical church that spends much of its efforts demonizing homosexuals — and this reverend is discovered having torrid, drug-fueled homosexual liaisons, then there is really little you can do.

Clearly, such a person is so filled with self-loathing that it will be difficult to punish the leader further. So, just fire them and let the healing begin, though I humbly submit that you may want to have a look at joining a less messed-up church. (Or better yet, join the Church of Kang, where we celebrate every new planet conquered with electric Jello shooters –grape and banana — drunken monkey sex, and several hours of grooming.)

If you’ve got a leader who says he’s the man to bring transparency and decency back to government, and then refuses to talk to the media, let his own backbenchers have a say in policy, and generally acts like a dictator, you have two options: strap on your pink tutu, charge up your plasma weapons and storm his palace, or vote him out of office.

Of course, on my home planet of Neecknaw, we never discovered democracy, so we only ever had that first option.

And thank the Gods of Kang for that!

Next time: Thag want make fire. How make fire?

Alltop is extremely sincere in its desire to make you laugh.

Ask General Kang: Would you ever consider running for public office?

Ask General KangYour politicians disgust me.

They pander to the lowest common denominator. They lie. They’re corrupt. They are vile, low creatures, worse than a Tregladian Bladder Beast, or even that fuzzy purple stuff you see growing all over dead things on planet Numingar — you know, the crud that smells like ammonia and makes whiny, wheezy noises whenever you try to scrape it off rotting flesh.

Would you want something like that kissing your baby?

If elected I promise to bring integrity (and the pleasing odor of primate musk) back to politics. When I say I’m going to make all of the hominids without hair on their backs second-class citizens, by Vengor’s One Weepy Ocular Appendage, I’ll make them second-class citizens! When I pass a law forcing you to kiss my hairy simian ass or face an afternoon in the Bee Gee tank, you’d better start puckering up!

So, yes. (But only because I don’t have a proper intergalactic army of mutant monkeys to make me your tyrant … yet.)

Next time: I’ve discovered that if I rub my stocking feet against a carpet, I can give people a small electrical shock. Is there any way I can magnify the effect?

Alltop magnifies your humor. Originally published in the wee hours of blogging, in November 2005!