Lucidiva™ — Side effects

close up of big bird -- freakyCommon side effects include heavy breathing, panting, hyperventilation, lack of peripheral vision, excessive screaming, painful hearing and nasal discharge that may look like rice pudding. Sorry, but it happens.

You should probably enjoy flatulence if you want to take this drug, unless you live at an even-numbered address, in which case, expect projectile vomiting on an hourly basis. Married men can expect long periods of impotence, though we have not conclusively proved this is because of the drug.

Single men in the company of nuns should be ready for painful, humiliating bouts of extreme priapism. Women will want to have a razor handy. (For the excessive hair growth, not for dealing with priapism.)

If you’re thinking about taking this drug while driving, just stop right there. Also, most people taking this drug find themselves incapable of walking, crawling or singing the works of Cole Porter. Gershwin is ok.

Rare side effects include basket weaving, syncopated urination, frequent urination, explosive urination and occasionally, urination. We recommend you set up an IV BEFORE you take your first dose.

Speaking of your first dose, when you begin taking Lucidiva™, you will experience a clarity of thought and eloquence of speech that makes President Obama look like his predecessor. We apologize to everyone trying to take an MBA, but clearly Lucidiva™ is not for you.

If your skin begins to strobe, consult your physician. If you fingernails burst into flame, put them out, but not with water. That will not work. Trust us on this. Use baking powder, or some kind of halon system. Just hold your breath. If you happen to inhale halon while taking Lucidiva™ we cannot be held responsible. Just make sure your will is up to date.

Very rarely, patients experience visions of aliens, talking monkeys and sometimes, angels. If the latter, it is acceptable to consult a priest.

Finally, if you see the bird, don’t try to talk to it. Don’t even look —

Alltop has heard the bird is the word.

Originally appeared on Grasping for the Wind on October 8.

Renoir’s The Festival of Slorg

Renoir's The Festival of Slorg

Many art historians believe this to be the famous painting, Luncheon of the Boating Party (Le déjeuner des canotiers) by the French impressionist Pierre-Auguste Renoir, painted in 1881.

They are right on two counts: it was Renoir, and it was in 1881, but the actual title was The Festival of Slorg, and is much more sinister than art historians have always assumed.

According to Brian A. Oard in his essay on this painting, The Lure of Lotus Eating:

It is a scene of the triumphant bourgeoisie celebrating an appropriately commercialized version of the fête champêtre in a place that was once a playground of the aristocracy. By 1880, nearly a century after the Revolution, the French middle classes were comfortable enough to party like aristocrats, and in Renoir they found their Watteau.

But this is what we see on the surface . . . The horrors of the Slorgfest are too much for me to relate to you here, but I would note that while bottles of wine are in evidence aplenty, you will note that all their plates are empty. And what was on those plates? Well, let’s just say the population of homeless people of Chatou, France is smaller by at least two.

Alltop thinks it shouldn’t be called cannibalism if you only eat one foot. More about this evil painting at Wikipedia. Originally published July, 2010.

Take me to your breeder

Klaktron XII and WendyKlaktron XII was the Hyper-Commander of the United Federation of Incredibly Regular Planets Space Vessel, Cheeznip. His was a storied career. He’d eaten ultrasonic oysters in the Seafood Nebula, and lived to tell the tale (in five-part harmony). He’d fought the Mighty Slorg at the Interstellar Buffet of Shame and All-You-Can Ingest Space Bacon, narrowly escaping with a portion of the coveted Prime Rib. (Only served on Wednesdays.) And of course, he’d single-handedly defeated the Whiffle-Bat Armada of the Planet Cuddles.

But he’d never fallen in love.

Alltop was admiral of the Whiffle-Bat Armada. Photo via Twisted Vintage. Originally published, May 2010.