Lucidiva™ — Side effects

close up of big bird -- freakyCommon side effects include heavy breathing, panting, hyperventilation, lack of peripheral vision, excessive screaming, painful hearing and nasal discharge that may look like rice pudding. Sorry, but it happens.

You should probably enjoy flatulence if you want to take this drug, unless you live at an even-numbered address, in which case, expect projectile vomiting on an hourly basis. Married men can expect long periods of impotence, though we have not conclusively proved this is because of the drug.

Single men in the company of nuns should be ready for painful, humiliating bouts of extreme priapism. Women will want to have a razor handy. (For the excessive hair growth, not for dealing with priapism.)

If you’re thinking about taking this drug while driving, just stop right there. Also, most people taking this drug find themselves incapable of walking, crawling or singing the works of Cole Porter. Gershwin is ok.

Rare side effects include basket weaving, syncopated urination, frequent urination, explosive urination and occasionally, urination. We recommend you set up an IV BEFORE you take your first dose.

Speaking of your first dose, when you begin taking Lucidiva™, you will experience a clarity of thought and eloquence of speech that makes President Obama look like his predecessor. We apologize to everyone trying to take an MBA, but clearly Lucidiva™ is not for you.

If your skin begins to strobe, consult your physician. If you fingernails burst into flame, put them out, but not with water. That will not work. Trust us on this. Use baking powder, or some kind of halon system. Just hold your breath. If you happen to inhale halon while taking Lucidiva™ we cannot be held responsible. Just make sure your will is up to date.

Very rarely, patients experience visions of aliens, talking monkeys and sometimes, angels. If the latter, it is acceptable to consult a priest.

Finally, if you see the bird, don’t try to talk to it. Don’t even look –

Alltop has heard the bird is the word.

Originally appeared on Grasping for the Wind on October 8.

The New Clone 12000 Helmet Finally Comes to Market

Clone HelmetThis fully functional metro-wanker-clone helmet will render your enemies helpless with laughter, right before you incinerate their lower intestines. Two Gigilo-Hertz-powered ocular particle beams makes the Clone 12000 more devastating than last month’s supernova in the Coagula System and only half as radioactive!

Decranialization is still a necessary feature of the Clone 12000, but Hyper-Clones will be happy to know that nearly half of the test group survived helmet implantation.

Other documented side effects include: Dry mouth (but not for long), urinary retention, blurred vision (while particle beams are operating), constipation, weight gain, crushing headaches, nausea, frequent explosive diarrhea, abdominal pain, inability to achieve an erection, inability to achieve an orgasm (male and female hyper-clones), loss of libido, agitation, anxiety, self-loathing, and some cyborgism.

#

The Fridgularity Go buy my latest novel, which features a fridge that raises cyborgism to an art form. Available in all formats in all the usual places online :

Paperback ($15.99)
Amazon.com | Independent BookstoresBarnes & Noble Amazon.ca | Or get $3 off, if you buy it direct from Monkeyjoy Press. Use coupon code: YGMVFZZY. 

Ebooks ($2.99 – regular $4.95)
Kindle | Smashwords (use coupon DR79J) | Kobo | Nook | iTunes

Alltop also cause side effects. Originally published in 2007.

Taking one for the team

Snorting weaponized splenic feverIt seemed unlikely that Janet was an “anthrax tester” for the Department of Defense, as she claimed.

It just didn’t seem possible that she could snort a gram of weaponized splenic fever each and every hour for weeks on end and not show any effects.

(Apart from the tremors, vertigo, muscle twitches & paranoia.)

For more stimulation, sign up for a regular collection of absurd commentary and fiction at The MonkeySphere. You’ll also get a chance to win a Kindle ($139 Amazon gift card, if you already got the ereader). More chances to win if you buy one of my books. Full contest details here.

Alltop can also make you snort. Thanks to Foxtongue for finding this pic. Originally published April, 2009.

Gout that Out!

Breathtaking news for all you caffeine addicts out there — not only does coffee taste good and wake you up, it can prevent gout. Plus, you smell like coffee and it make you bulletproof.*

Never mind the tachycardia and frequent (sometimes alarmingly frequent) trips to use the gents, coffee is where it’s at.

According to a study of 45,000 men, if you drink four to six cups of coffee a day, then you cut your chances of developing gout (the most common kind of arthritis) in half!

Uh, But Watch for Caffeine Intoxication

However, if you have more than three or four cups of coffee, you may over-stimulate your central nervous system. I know, that sounds cool, but it can be bad. How bad? Well, symptoms include:

  • restlessness
  • nervousness
  • excitement
  • insomnia
  • flushing of the face
  • increased urination & gastrointestinal disturbance (count on these, and they won’t be pleasant)
  • muscle twitching
  • a rambling flow of thought and speech (granted, for some of us it’s hard to tell)
  • irritability (ditto)
  • irregular or rapid heart beat, and,
  • psychomotor agitation.

What, pray tell, is psychomotor agitation? Well, essentially this will make you look like you have obsessive compulsive disorder, unless it just causes a terminal case of the Jiminy Leg. (Or arm, or hand, or feet, or teeth — wait, am I rambling, really, I didn’t think I was rambling, but then you said I was rambling and wait a minute, where did my coffee go, is that rambling coffee….)

*The Small Print: drinking excessive amounts of coffee does not make you bulletproof. (Though you may feel you’re fast enough to dodge them.)

You can find the New Scientist story about it all here. Photo by Snuggle Up & Read. The whole set of Talkin Timmy’s lids is here.

For similar reasons, Alltop drinks herbal tea laced with cocaine. Originally published in May 2007, when I thought gout was funny.