Marvellous Hairy Podcasts — Final Episodes!

Wow, it’s hard to believe that we’ve already got to the last two episodes. And here they are, without further blah, blah, blah:

Episode Fourteen — Part V (Chapters one and two):

The Marvellous Hairy PodcastsSpider and Seedy finally come to the Kunfu-riffic conclusion to their kidnapping caper, learning all about Japanese sword-making, physics and why acrylic ski masks suck. In chapter two, the gang finally puts their plan into action, and they capture the King of the Gag, learning that he has some seriously lizardfish proclivities. And that two women kissing is not as hot as it first sounds.

An excerpt from the kidnapping, as Shute arrives at Helena’s apartment:

The idea was that Max and I were going to get into Helena’s closet and wait for their signal. They hoped to get Shute to agree to being tied up, as part of their little three-some. If that went off without a hitch, then it should make things considerably easier.

We all had another drink together, to kill the last twenty minutes before Shute was due to arrive. No doubt he would be fashionably late. By one pm, we were all keyed up. I don’t mind telling you there was an awkward psycho-sexual energy in the room, not at all dampened by another round of scotch. Honza Chodets was tasting better and better.

I was so wound up, I almost dropped my scotch, when at five-to-one, there was a knock at the door. Helena grabbed our drinks, poured them into the sink, and shooed us into her bedroom, where Max and I got into the walk-in closet. Ariadne waited in the bedroom, looking at me through the slats in Helena’s closet doors.

Helena let Shute in and his eyebrows actually arched when he saw what she was wearing. “Where’s Thipirous?” he asked. “I hope she’s not dressed as provocatively as you Borovich, or my heart might not be able to take it.”

[podcast]http://markarayner.com/mp3s/PB-marvelloushairy-14.mp3[/podcast]

Episode Fifteen — Part V (Chapters three to seven):

After they move Shute, Helena and Max have an ethical discussion about kidnapping, medical malpractice, and branding. The media conference is more like a circus, as the media isn’t exactly on its best behavior. And then Rob gets to watch while the Ghosts have their revenge. In the end, they all live, happily, and ever after. Though Nick still has something to say through his lovely Titania3000.

An excerpt from Dr. Tundra and Helena’s discussion of branding:

“Seriously. You like scotch, right? So say you buy a cer-tain brand and we know that there’s this other brand that is just as good, but less expensive. We can help you find that other brand,” Helena said

“Hmm. Single malt kind of defies the brand concept, I think,” Max replied.

“No, not at all. In fact, single malt is a great example of the power of the brand. We all know that Glenfiddich is a good scotch, but there are lots of other single malts that are better. But everyone knows Glenfiddich — even people who don’t like single malt scotch — because of the strength of its brand. It’s not just the actual product, it’s about the feelings you have for the product. And that’s because they were branding their scotch before people even knew what branding was.”

“So what is Gargantuan’s brand?”

“That’s the problem I have with Shute.”

“That’s your problem? Not the fact that he’s just messed with Nick’s DNA?” Max said. He looked at Shute contemptuously, and for a moment Helena thought he might kick the partially conscious man.

“Well, that too, but he’s not building the Gargantuan brand.”

“You’ve helped kidnap him because of branding?”

“Oh, no, I have other reasons too, but that is my corporate reason for doing so.”

[podcast]http://markarayner.com/mp3s/PB-marvelloushairy-15.mp3[/podcast]

You can find all of the released episodes here archived on my site. Or you may want to subscribe via iTunes.

And you can also listen to the podcasts at the wonderful Podiobooks.com.

You can buy the book at the publisher’s website, or at Amazon.com.

Marvellous Hairy Podcasts — Episode Thirteen

The Marvellous Hairy PodcastsEpisode Thirteen — Part IV (Chapters eight to twelve): Hippolyta comes up with a way for her kidnappers to get her father’s codes, while giving her some hope of surviving the whole caper. Rob, Ariadne, Helena, Erma and Max cook up a plan to get Shute, and let the whole world know about what Gargantuan has done to Nick. Shute gets some great news about his ménage, and Rob discovers that he can learn about things in a new way.

An excerpt:

As we were going over the notes again, a picture emerged of where Hippolyta was — not from good detective work, though the skeptics amongst you will say that’s what it was. I just saw it. I thought I could smell the Shade of Antonia’s perfume as an image of an old husk of an apartment building filled my mind.

I described it to everyone, almost like I was reading the description from a kidnapper’s guide book: “The Skanky Apartments, down in the un-gentrified part of the docklands are a perfect setting for any kind of shady endeavour, but if you plan to kidnap and freakishly dismember an heiress, you couldn’t ask for a nicer location. There’s no people around, there’s lots of ambiance, and the rooms are decorated in the original retro style. Just add fungus and decay and you have felonious magic!”

Everyone looked at me the way they did when the first saw Nick, post monkeyfication.

You can find all of the released episodes here archived on my site. Or you may want to subscribe via iTunes.

And you can also listen to the podcasts at the wonderful Podiobooks.com.

You can buy the book at the publisher’s website, because surely you don’t want to wait until November, when it will be in stores?

[podcast]http://markarayner.com/mp3s/PB-marvelloushairy-13.mp3[/podcast]

Marvellous Hairy Podcasts — Episode Twelve

The Marvellous Hairy PodcastsEpisode Twelve — Part IV (Chapters five to seven): Rob explains how he escapes Gargantuan Enterprises with the incriminating data, and meets up with Ariadne. They have the talk. Meanwhile, Erma decides to rescue the now-apish Nick from the now-nymphish Helena. And in chapter seven, we learn what Gag knows about the security breach, and that the Ghost of Johnny can speak a little Latin.

An excerpt of Rob waiting at a Starbucks for his new love:

“I’ll wait for you at the Den of Ubiquity,” I whispered, “next door.”

I liked the chain’s coffee, though I’m not a connoisseur. I’m not sure you need four or five of them within a one-block radius, no matter how addicted to their brand of caffeine you might be. Perhaps it is the marvellous decor that people can’t get enough of — too bad you can only sit in one at a time, though I suppose if they put webcams in each store you could “enjoy” them all at once.

The barista was fetching, there was no doubt, even if I was already smitten with Ariadne. Now, you must remember, I had not been in a “relationship” for some time, and I was yet to get into that mindset. I noticed her making the coffee right away. Perhaps it was her overwhelming competence — she only had to hear a customer ask for a double-milk-latte-half-caf-mocha-frappa-dappa-doolay once, and she had the order — but I think it was her distracted, yet annoyed smile that did it for me. It could have been her voluptuous figure, of which I could only see the top half. Perhaps it was the man-juice flowing in my veins. So, I had no reservations about sitting there, sipping my Kenyan High-land Roast Orgasm, or whatever it was called, while Ariadne finished her shift.

She arrived in time to rescue our budding romance from my fickle male nature. When she walked in, looking as dignified as any upright hominid can in a polyester uniform adorned with the Consume-It! logo; I forgot all about the angry barista.

You can find all of the released episodes here archived on my site. Or you may want to subscribe via iTunes.

And you can also listen to the podcasts at the wonderful Podiobooks.com.

You can buy the book at the publisher’s website, because surely you don’t want to wait until November, when it will be in stores?

[podcast]http://markarayner.com/mp3s/PB-marvelloushairy-12.mp3[/podcast]

Marvellous Hairy Podcasts – Episode Eleven

The Marvellous Hairy PodcastsEpisode Eleven — Part Four (Chapters three and four): Helena and Rob plot the down-throw of the King of the Gag, deciding to move on both the Oberon project, and on whatever Gargantuan was doing to Nick. They realize too late that Nick is already getting his third treatment, which is creating the final changes to his DNA. Helena meets him for one more coffee break in the lobby, while Rob gets to work on his sabotage. Meanwhile, Spider and Seedy try to figure out, with their kidnapping victim’s help, how to get something out of Shute.

Excerpt from chapter three, while Helena and Rob plot their coup:

I laughed again. It was easy to forget that Hot Helena was also really funny. She could definitely do much better than Shute, but she hadn’t been trying. From what I could tell, Helena had spent the last ten years working really hard.

“So, I have a couple of things to ask,” I said.

“Why don’t you let me start? I’ve learned a little bit about what Nick’s doing here.”

“Really?”

“Yes,” she said. “I’m supposed to have dinner with the guy who’s running the program Nick is in tonight, so I’ll have details, but he’s altering DNA. They’ve already done it to other animals.”

“You mean, like, in vitro animals. Cloning?”

“No. Live animals. The Letch seemed proud of that. They’re changing the DNA of live animals. They’ve already done their work with lower animals, and they’re starting on humans.”

“Holy shit.”

“I think that’s what’s happening to Nick,” Helena said.

“What are they doing?”

“That I don’t know. Fucking with his DNA. The Letch said something about wanting to upgrade chimps, so from that, my guess is that they’re regressing their human subjects.”

“Regressing?”

“Did you ever watch Star Trek?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Remember the one where Riker turns into a caveman and Worf starts spraying poison all over the crew as they also deevolve?”

“Oh Helena. The Next Generation?”

“Yeah,” she said. “What? The middle seasons were good!”

“A hottie who watches Star Trek. Even The Next Generation. How did I not date you?”

“You never asked, bonehead. And that ship has sailed, so don’t get any ideas.”

You can find all of the released episodes here archived on my site. Or you may want to subscribe via iTunes.

And you can also listen to the podcasts at the wonderful Podiobooks.com.

You can buy the book at the publisher’s website, because surely you don’t want to wait until November, when it will be in stores?

[podcast]http://markarayner.com/mp3s/PB-marvelloushairy-11.mp3[/podcast]