Ten incredibly true facts about Queen Victoria

Queen Victoria, Laser Beams powering upYay, it’s Victoria Day — one of my favourite holidays, mostly because it’s so necessary. For those of you who don’t live in Canada, in many provinces we celebrate the birthday of Queen Victoria, Regina Atroxica, who was born on May 24th, 1819. (Thus the holiday is known here as the “Two-Four”, which is also, incidentally, the term for a case of beer in hoser. Beauty, eh?) Though the origins of the Victoria Day holiday are shrouded in mystery [wiki], it is worth noting some pertinent facts about the eponymous queen:

  1. Victoria was born of German descent: her father was Prince “Schnitzel-Boy” Edward, Duke of Kent and Strathearn and her mother was a stein of Pilsner.
  2. If she had not been 18 when her uncle (The King) died, then her mother would have acted as regent, provided the Household Guard could prevent her being quaffed by thirsty staff.
  3. Victoria was the youngest and first Queen of England who had the ability to fire laser beams from her eyes.
  4. She was the first reigning monarch to live in Buckingham Palace, which was paid for entirely by taxing the consumption of well-cooked food. (Thus explaining generations of atrocious food in the UK.)
  5. Her uncle was King Leopold I of Belgium (her mother’s brother); he spent most of his days eating chocolate, waffles, and attempting to drink his sister.
  6. Her husband, Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, could not speak a word of English and was her cousin.
  7. Most people are surprised to learn that Victoria had the ability to speak through her genitals.
  8. Her favourite genitals were (in order) Lord Melbourne, Lord Beaconsfield and Lord Salisbury.
  9. Her husband died of typhus, contracted because of the primitive sanitary conditions at Windsor Castle, and because he did not believe in “washing, per se”.
  10. Distraught after the death of her husband, Victoria went on a world-wide rampage, incinerating all who resisted her, founding Canada, New Zealand, and conquering the lands of Ireland, Scotland and India.
  11. Prior to her death, she uttered the famous, but often misquoted phrase: “I am not amused.” What she actually said was, “If you do not worship me henceforth, I shall not be amused, and I my revenant will consume your children and beer as you wail in agony as I cook you where you stand.”

And now you know why we celebrate Victoria Day.

Alltop and was not consulted in the making of this post. Our apologies to all the hard-working contributors to Wikipedia. Originally published, May 2009.

Why Canadians celebrate Queen Victoria’s birthday

photo of queen victoriaHere in Canada we celebrate Queen Victoria’s birthday, and it is known as Victoria Day.

Why? She has been dead for more than 110 years, and our current Queen has now been reigning almost as long as Vicky did. I mean, Canada barely has anything to do with the monarchy anymore.

Do we celebrate this ex-monarch’s natal anniversary because Canadians are great traditionalists and we still carry a torch for the Old Vic? After all, it was under her watchful, un-amused gaze that we started on the road to independence.

No, it is because we are terrified of her.

Those of you lucky enough to be born in Republics will never know the terror of falling asleep, worried not about the Boogity Man, or other non-existent creatures, but fearful of the dreaded Queen Victoria creeping into our rooms to deprive us of love, joy and perhaps even our very lives.

A history of worrying eugenics

Like many Royal families in Europe, the House of Hanover once suffered from inbreeding, but through an ad hoc eugenics program, they were able to instill their bloodlines with enough vigor to run roughshod over the United Kingdom.

Their secret? Carpathian werewolves.

It began, of course with Sophia of Hanover, who was quite a looker, but who had a taste for the exotic and enjoyed it a bit rough. Carpathian werewolves were brought in to satisfy her proclivities and produced George I, who became the first Hanoverian to rule Great Britain. Carpathian werewolf tendencies were noticed in George II, but it wasn’t until George III went howlingly mad were people convinced that there was a problem with this eugenics program.

16th century woodcut of a Carpathian werewolf

George IV was an indifferent king, and William IV did little damage. However, neither were to produce an heir, and it was up to George III’s fourth son, The Duke of Kent, to produce a new ruler. He did so with the help of Princess Victoria of Saxe-Coburg-Saalfeld. Even at the time, there were rumors that the Princess had an extra-marital affair, and the lack of genetic weaknesses in Victoria’s children has been used as evidence.

Of course, we need look no further than the Princess’s diary, dated August 28, 1819 (roughly nine months before Victoria’s birthday) and we can learn the truth: “Did it with that animal again.” Was it another Carpathian werewolf? We can only assume, “yes.”

And so Victoria was the result of an accidental eugenics programs, filling her with the vigor, bloodlust and terrifying hunger of the Bane of Carpathia. To this day, she is known for the coldness of her presence, her ability to suck the very joy right out of the room, her insatiable desire for human flesh.

Here in the colonies we are still terrified of her, and so we ingratiate ourselves with her hairy be-clawed shadow by celebrating her birthday. (Because even if she was “laid to rest” in 1901, we all know she is not gone.)

Luckily, Carpathian werewolves are also put off by large amounts of alcohol and loud banging noises, so in Canada we have incorporated excessive drinking and fireworks in the holiday, just to be on the safe side.

So it worked out okay.

You know what really scares me more than Carpathian werewolves. Lots of humorists.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Victoria Day Edition)

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Victoria Day Edition)  -- pic of Queen VictoriaThe Queen presents: We Are NOT Amused –> Slide 12 (circa 1867)

  • I am de facto Queen of Canada?
  • How did that happen?
  • Bugger.

The Queen presents: We ARE Amused –> Slide 6 (circa 1868)

  • Have you tried this Vin Mariani?
  • Excellent concoction.
  • Made with cocaine, you say?
  • Makes me forget all about that Canada humbug.

The Queen presents: We Are REALLY Not Amused –> Slide 3 (circa 1901)

  • Now I’m the Queen of Australia too?
  • Oh, that’s just not right!
  • That’s the kind of news that could kill a person.

Government of Canada presents: Monday Before May 25 –> Slide 1 (circa 1952)

  • Must have holiday to kick off summer season.
  • Tell gardeners when they can plant stuff.
  • VD will do.

Bob and Doug MacKenzie present: May Two Four, Eh? –>Slide 2 (circa 1981)

  • Why is the holiday called the Two-Four, hoser?
  • It’s like, traditional to celebrate by drinking brewskies, eh?
  • So what?
  • And they come in cases of …
  • 24!
  • Beauty, eh?

More about Victoria Day.

Alltop is also not amused. Originally published May, 2006.