Ask General Kang: If my foreign policy is a failure, do I have to admit it?

Ask General KangHell no!

If you can’t blame the failures of your policy on some flunky (or opposition party, if you’re unlucky enough to be ruling in a “democracy”) then what kind of leader are you?

The best option is to say that your policy is a rousing success, in spite of all evidence. (That is, if you can’t suppress the evidence.)

Of course, as a intergalactic overlord, I’ve always felt that the best foreign policy comes from the “offer them a Stay-Fresh Snakin’ Cake … and carry a plasma weapon” school. Here on Earth you face the challenge of multiple opponents/allies who are impossible to defeat militarily, without destroying your biosphere, that is. (What is it with your human fascination with those quaint nuclear weapons? Don’t you realize they can wipe out everything?)

So no. Don’t ever take ownership of a mistake! I mean, if you admit to a mistake, then you might actually learn something, and do better the next time.

How the hell am I going to conquer you people if you start learning things?

Next time: Henri Bergson described time as something we experience as a duration, in a flow of consciousness, not as a series of events. So what gives with knock, knock jokes?

Alltop is the knock, knock joke of the Internet. Originally published in October, 2006. Does that depress you? It should.

Ask General Kang: I’m sick of school, but should I go to university anyway?

Ask General KangAbsolutely! Just because you’re tired of people lecturing you, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to subject yourself to it for another three or four years.

Some of your Earth “experts” claim that 63 percent of all new jobs will require a degree or diploma by 2018 — just think about that for a minute. You have “experts” that can predict the future. Terrifying!

But seriously, back on my home planet, Neecknaw, I was only willing to accept graduates of my Chimp Command College for any kind of officer position. That was for all the units, except for the Gorriloid Brigade (that’s the elite group armed with broadswords and wearing Fezzes). The rank and file of the Gorriloid Brigade just can’t respect an officer unless he can tear the arms off a Premendian Arachnid Beast bare-handed, and most college graduates just don’t have the upper body strength.

That said, perhaps there are some other job outcomes that may be more intriguing than those a university education leads to. Maybe you want to work in the trades — do you know your average plumber makes more money than a suicidally depressed dentist?

I happen to know the Planet Premendian has a roaring trade in prosthetics for Arachnid Beasts; and you may know, the Kang School of Interesting Trades offers a Arachnid Prosthetics Construction certificate for only $1000. I can send it to you as soon as we get your cheque.

Next time: I’m trapped in a Mobius Strip Mall — where is the bathroom?

Alltop is trapped in a mobius of funny. Originally published in March of 2007.

Ask General Kang: Do you think we should ban tasers?

Ask General KangI believe that tasers are a barbaric technology. Not only are tasers an excruciating way to kill people, it seems to me that you should be using some kind of non-lethal stunning weapon.

A taser is supposed to be a non-lethal stunning weapon.

Well, there is clearly a PROBLEM. If police forces around the world are willing to give me their tasers, I will pass along the technical schematics for a number of non-lethal devices that my Uber-Ape-Jackboot-and-Miniskirt Paramilitary Forces (and dance troupe) have used quite effectively to subdue the great unwashed populace.

The Amplified Kazoo:
Amplified kazoo music is brutal. I once knew a bonobo who’s atonal rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Fargentina” could drop a brigade of gorilloids armed with broadswords.

Electro-accordion
While not quite as painful as the Amplified Kazoo, Electro-accordions can work as non-lethal weapons, and are especially effective means of crowd control with young hipsters. Warning: does not work anywhere people listen to zydeco, the Paris metro, or at Irish sessions. This is most effective when deployed by an armada of angry uber-chimps with no sense of rhythm.

Doom-worms:
On Mephitis VI, there is a kind of multi-appendaged gut worm that can emit a high-pitched whining sound, which is a combination of noise similar to a mosquito’s buzz and about 100 overtired children stuffed into a mini-van. If amplified, the sound will pop the eyes out of any primate. Warning: Handle this creature with care; each appendage of the gut worm is capable of delivering a neurotoxin that causes bits of your face to fall off and necrotize rapidly into a bubbly goo that smells worse than the Stench-Beast of Vomitus XII.

What are you going to do with all those tasers?

Oh, I have uses for them.

Next time: How do I fit “tab a” into “slot b” if all I can find is a multi-dimensional “thingy c”?

Alltop is the tab a of humor aggregators. Originally published November, 2007.

Ask General Kang: I’d like to increase the number of surveillance cameras in my city, but I’m having trouble getting my council to agree. Any advice for a mayor with ambitions?

Ask General KangSurveillance cameras are a must for any would-be intergalactic overlord, which I assume is your ultimate goal. (Just as an aside, mayor is not the best platform to launch such a career, but you can manage it, particularly if you are bloodthirsty enough and have really good psychokinesis — the insidious lord Darth Wedgie started as a mayor.)

Here are a few suggestions for getting your own big brother operation up-and-running:

1) Stage a series of abhorrent crimes

Start small with these, and work your way up into some really nasty ultra-violence. (Think the first half-hour of A Clockwork Orange, as a good template.) This will create your climate of fear.

2) Install cameras in high crime areas

3) Pay your goons to commit crimes in places where there are no cameras

4) Install cameras there

5) Continue to allow crime to flourish

6) Install speakers with cameras, to stop “unsocial” acts in progress. Look to Middlesbrough, England for a template on how to do this.

Now the conditions are in place for you to take the next logical step. Cameras in people’s houses. Look, you can argue, you’ve stopped violent crime and unsocial acts in the streets — imagine what you could do if you put cameras in people’s homes? No more spouse abuse, no more child molestation. Who could be against that?

Suggest that anyone who doesn’t like this plan has something to hide.

Now all you need to do is start building your army of über-chimps. I recommend arming them with plasma weapons and kazoos. Nothing renders an enemy force more helpless (with laughter) than a phalanx of chimps blowing kazoos. (Then the plasma weapons up the wazoo!)

Next time: How does one get rid of a house guest that won’t leave? I mean without feeding them to the Great Slorg Beast in your backyard?

Alltop is the great slorg beast of humor aggregators. Originally published in October 2006.