Ask General Kang: As a world-conquering potentate, what is your policy regarding instant gratification?

Ask General KangWell, I’m totally against it.

From what I can see there is too much instant gratification happening here on Terra; and this is at least some part of the reason why I am conquering this world soon.

I’m a fan of a system of gratification we call The Rectitude on my home world.

The Rectitude started out as philosophical movement of neo-utopian bonobos, but it eventually caught on within the simian population at large, and I hope that someday it will catch on amongst the primates of this world too.

What is The Rectitude?
It sounds kind of proctologist-y, but essentially, to have some kind of physical gratification, the idea is that first you have to earn it. (Yes, just go ahead, say it just like John Houseman.)

The best kind of Rectitude to earn is through intense physical effort. For example, if you climb a mountain, that earns you lots of Rectitude – at least a week of all kinds of debauchery. Walk to the store instead of driving, and that probably earns you enough Rectitude to eat the Cheese Doodles you were going to get in the first place.

Once Earth is fully under my control, every sentient being on the planet can look forward to a lifetime of earning and expending Rectitude.

Stop groaning! It will be good for you humans to learn a little self-discipline!

Next time: How do you handle unwanted sexual advances, particularly from another species?

You know who has rectitude? Hard working humor writers. From my collection, Pirate Therapy and Other Cures.

Ask General Kang: I Have No Hair Follicles On My Head. Will This Hurt My Ability to Reproduce?

General Kang -- a portraitThis is a touchy question, particularly for a hirsute (and handsome) bugger such as myself.

The answer is no. I can think of no instance when hair follicles are any way connected to reproductive organs, though it is a strange mutation. Perhaps the follicles you had there have died and you’ve lost your hair? Never mind.

But to your question. If you actually mean: “Will it hurt my odds of having a chance to reproduce,” then I’m afraid I have a different answer.

A lot of it depends upon your species. If you’re a fish, then my guess is the lack of hair will not impinge upon your ability to score.

If you’re a human, then yes it will. Quite badly. Particularly if you’re a human female. Human males, on the other hand, have been known to plant their seed, so to speak, without a decent head of hair, but they often have to compensate in some other way. Fame. Power. An extremely large . . . bank account. All of these may work on the curious human female.

So go find some of that, is this is your case. But there is a caveat. Quite often those bald-headed males will instead have a luxuriant coat on their back.

This is a major turn-off for most human females. But catnip for other primates, if you catch my drift.

Next week: I have slipped into another dimension. Will this prevent me from a rewarding career?

Find more hairy eyeball humor at alltop. Originally published, October 2008.

Ask General Kang: If my foreign policy is a failure, do I have to admit it?

Ask General KangHell no!

If you can’t blame the failures of your policy on some flunky (or opposition party, if you’re unlucky enough to be ruling in a “democracy”) then what kind of leader are you?

The best option is to say that your policy is a rousing success, in spite of all evidence. (That is, if you can’t suppress the evidence.)

Of course, as a intergalactic overlord, I’ve always felt that the best foreign policy comes from the “offer them a Stay-Fresh Snakin’ Cake … and carry a plasma weapon” school. Here on Earth you face the challenge of multiple opponents/allies who are impossible to defeat militarily, without destroying your biosphere, that is. (What is it with your human fascination with those quaint nuclear weapons? Don’t you realize they can wipe out everything?)

So no. Don’t ever take ownership of a mistake! I mean, if you admit to a mistake, then you might actually learn something, and do better the next time.

How the hell am I going to conquer you people if you start learning things?

Next time: Henri Bergson described time as something we experience as a duration, in a flow of consciousness, not as a series of events. So what gives with knock, knock jokes?

Alltop is the knock, knock joke of the Internet. Originally published in October, 2006. Does that depress you? It should.

Ask General Kang: I’m sick of school, but should I go to university anyway?

Ask General KangAbsolutely! Just because you’re tired of people lecturing you, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to subject yourself to it for another three or four years.

Some of your Earth “experts” claim that 63 percent of all new jobs will require a degree or diploma by 2018 — just think about that for a minute. You have “experts” that can predict the future. Terrifying!

But seriously, back on my home planet, Neecknaw, I was only willing to accept graduates of my Chimp Command College for any kind of officer position. That was for all the units, except for the Gorriloid Brigade (that’s the elite group armed with broadswords and wearing Fezzes). The rank and file of the Gorriloid Brigade just can’t respect an officer unless he can tear the arms off a Premendian Arachnid Beast bare-handed, and most college graduates just don’t have the upper body strength.

That said, perhaps there are some other job outcomes that may be more intriguing than those a university education leads to. Maybe you want to work in the trades — do you know your average plumber makes more money than a suicidally depressed dentist?

I happen to know the Planet Premendian has a roaring trade in prosthetics for Arachnid Beasts; and you may know, the Kang School of Interesting Trades offers a Arachnid Prosthetics Construction certificate for only $1000. I can send it to you as soon as we get your cheque.

Next time: I’m trapped in a Mobius Strip Mall — where is the bathroom?

Alltop is trapped in a mobius of funny. Originally published in March of 2007.