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The Sarcastic Cyborg Debriefs

Sarcastic Cyborg Interviewed by Pug
[recording starts]

Is this thing on?

Seriously. Is it on? I’m not getting any neural feedback.

You humans are so odd. You are human aren’t you? Why don’t you just implant a microphone in your scull — there’s lots of room. That way the rest of the world could hear the same voice you do.

Oh yeah, you don’t sound like that. Right. Everybody says that when they hear their recorded voice the first time. It’s so predictable.

But just imagine what it was like for us before we improved the speaker systems in our bonded polycarbide armor — our voices always came out so screechy and monotone. Here, let me play you an old recording:

“EX-TER-MIN-ATE!”

Oh that’s terrifying, isn’t it?

I mean, if we had deep booming voices like that Darth Vader dude, it would be frightening. But as it was, we sounded like the Chipmunks after a crack cocaine and peyote button binge. Gonzo alien invasion.

Don’t worry, I’d never probe you.

Of course I’m being sarcastic. That’s what we do. We probe you bastards every chance we get. Not only is it fun, we know you hate it. (Well, all but 10% of you.)

Frankly, we just can’t trust a species that can survive without mechanical and electronic augmentation.

Well naturally, that’s why we introduced the Internet to your planet. You don’t think you apes came up with it do you? The iPod too.

What is wrong with you? Don’t you understand sarcasm? Are you brain-damaged or something?

I’m sorry. You do work for the government, don’t you?

I see you’ve discovered how to open my armor. Well, let me tell you’re in for a surprise. Yes, I’m one of the most attractive women you’ve ever met Jimbo. I only use Sean Connery’s voice pattern because it sounds cool whenever I use the letter ‘s’.

[mechanical sigh]

Yes, sarcasm again. I’m actually a little green blob, and the armor just makes me feel big. And shiny. Just like a forty-year-old account exec in his Hummer.

I see you’ve got the outer carapace open. Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

[recording ends]

Brilliant photo by Zoomar | More about Daleks[wikipedia] | Other sarcastic bastards. Originally published January, 2008, and now appearing in Pirate Therapy and Other Cures.

Excruciating Album Cover Art – Ignatz Topolino

nose-harmonicaI include this cover, not because it is awful, but because the story behind this collection of classic jazz nose-harmonica stylings remind me of such an excruciatingly sad story.

In the annals of nose harmonica players, Ignatz Topolino is usually the first entry. He was a genius. Grown men would weep at his rendition of Whatever Lola Wants, and women would toss panties whenever he ripped off his heart-breaking version of Summertime. But like all geniuses, Topolino had his obsessions.

He is perhaps best known for his obsessive — yet understandable — dedication to nasal hygiene. Not content with conventional nose-cleaning fare, such as hankies and tissues, Topolino would often try new products intended to freshen his olfactory organ. Nothing was satisfactory. He poured much of his fortune into looking for devices that would keep his muzzle clear of mucus, and even hired a research team to look for more aggressive technology.

Eventually, they came across some of the later work of the Victorian inventor, Michael Flannigan. This led to the discovery of a working prototype of Flannigan’s Pump-Action Nasal Cavity Irrigation System, circa 1901.

loony victorian inventionAccording to the Emily Chesley Reading Circle, the system (pictured right) worked thusly:

Two hoses were held by the cleansee, positioning their ends in the nostril opening. The operator of the device (bow-tie not mandatory) waited until the cleansee was ready, at which point, the operator would shout, “prepare for the injection!” (giving the cleansee once last chance to remove the hoses). The operator then vigorously depressed and raised the MegaPlunger, providing the delightful pump-action necessary to help the cleansee eliminate potentially embarrassing nasal discharge.

As cleansee, Topolino discovered the “delightful pump-action” was more powerful than necessary, and the carbolic acid used in the cleansing solution also did not help. His nose-harmonica career was essentially over, and Topolino would have been forgotten to the world, if not for his later contributions to Ride Theory (writing at Ignatz Topo), and his heartbreaking autobiography: A Nose By Any Other.

Get your nose stuck into some satirical fiction …

Alltop has a nose-and-nose for funny. You can find more painful art at this Facebook group, shit record covers. Originally published in 2007.

René Magritte: Merchant Banker Masters His Mental Powers at Walton-on-the-Naze

image of Rene Magritte's Son of Man

While an art historian will tell you this 1964 painting is called “The Son of Man”, and is meant to be a meditation on what is hidden in the visible world, they are of course, hiding the dreadful truth.

Since the early days of the 20th century, Britain’s merchant bankers have controlled the world economy through their prodigious mental powers. A favourite training ground for this activity was the Essex seaside resort of Walton-on-the-Naze, mostly because of the heavy absurdium deposits in the region, but also because of the lovely beach and nice weather.

Absurdium, as all psionic adepts know, greatly enhances even the most latent mental powers, and so, The Ancient Order of Merchant Bankers would send all their most promising members to enhance and train their abilities. They could only graduate when they could perform the “apple in the eye” trick, pictured here. While this may seem like a simple bit of levitation, you will note that the banker’s left arm is now bent backwards at the elbow.

Not pictured: the beach filled with non-banker holidaymakers bursting into flames, though Magritte does allude to this horror by filling the sunny sky with dark, human-smudge clouds.

Naturally, the Ancient Order no longer uses this ritual, and since discovering the derivative and credit-default swaps, it appears as though its members’ prodigious mental powers have largely disappeared.

Alltop loves the derivative! Originally published December 2010.