Winter Olympics: Ultimate Couples Ice Dance

Ultimate couples ice danceIn our continuing efforts to suggest more exciting and exploitative Winter Olympic Sports, we want to tackle ice dance next.

Sure, there can be moments of pure artistic bliss in the current Ice Dance competition, but it has been marred with controversy in the past. At the Salt Lake games, the French judge was bribed (either with sex, or money, or both, we don’t remember), and what is that Russian judge up to? No good, that’s for sure.

Besides the method of judging (it is one of the few sports that has an artistic component), Ice Dance doesn’t really meet the requirements of higher, or faster, of our new motto, and it definitely isn’t bloodier. So how could we spice up this choreographed ice-skating ballet of duos?

Let’s change the format to elimination, and have the couples face off in the rink. Two couples enter, one couple leaves! Two couples enter, one couple leaves! It’s the sub-zero Thunderdome!

Now, we know that some of you would like to see this played out with weapons, but we’re purists, and believe the only weapons allowed should be their hands, elbows, heads, knees and feet. And of course the feet are attached to razor-sharp ice-skates, so we will definitely be able to fulfill the sanguius component of our new motto.

The only problem is getting a zamboni powerful enough to clean up the ice between bouts.

Next: Polar Bear Biathlon
Previous: Short-Track Chainsaw Speed Skating, Four-man Bobsled Jumping, Ultra-G

Alltop would only give this a 5.9. Original photo by Hanna. Originally published February, 2010.

Really Exploitative Winter Olympic Sports

The Winter Olympics are about to begin in Sochi, and to honor this occasion, we thought to would revisit some suggestions The Skwib has had for more exciting events in the spirit of the Games. (The spirit of the Games being the exploitation of hard-working athletes and their dreams.)

Yes, the Olympic motto, citius altius fortius — faster, higher, stronger — is still one that inspires and arouses the best in us. Still, some Winter Olympic sports are, well, let’s face it, not as telegenic as we might like. Perhaps if the motto was changed to citius, altius, sanguius — faster, higher, bloodier — we might enjoy them more. And in so doing, truly honor the spirit of the games: the production of filthy lucre at the cost of our ideals.

Short-track chainsaw speed skating
Now, we actually think short-track speed skating is pretty good. Lots of action. Possibility of death. But what if the athletes had to zip around the track holding live chainsaws? Just think of the ad revenue! [pictured above, photo by johnthescone]

Four-man bobsled jumping

Four-man bobsled jumpingAny wimp can land a 120-metre jump on skis. Now, landing a bobsled filled with three other horrified Olympic athletes, that takes real skill. In fact, we bet that very few athletes could manage it. For added thrills, the bobsled jumpers could hold up their arms as they’re airborn, just like a roller-coaster! And just thing of the cross-promotional activities with amusement parks. Blue sky by suchnone


Ultra-GMuch more dangerous than Super-G, Ultra-G combines the mind-bending speed of a flat-out downhill run with a circle of ice that looks like a gigantic Hot Wheels loop at the end of the slope. The winner of this event will probably be a qualified fighter-jet pilot or astronaut. Losers will be immortalized by a generation of traumatized television viewers.

Next up: Ultimate Couples Ice Dance, Polar Bear Biathlon, Naked Fire Luge

Your turn: Feel free to add refinements in the comments, or other sports involving not just the effort and sweat of our athletes, but actual blood.

Alltop can’t believe the Olympic Torch ceremony was invented by Hitler. Originally published February, 2010.

Lucidiva™ — Side effects

close up of big bird -- freakyCommon side effects include heavy breathing, panting, hyperventilation, lack of peripheral vision, excessive screaming, painful hearing and nasal discharge that may look like rice pudding. Sorry, but it happens.

You should probably enjoy flatulence if you want to take this drug, unless you live at an even-numbered address, in which case, expect projectile vomiting on an hourly basis. Married men can expect long periods of impotence, though we have not conclusively proved this is because of the drug.

Single men in the company of nuns should be ready for painful, humiliating bouts of extreme priapism. Women will want to have a razor handy. (For the excessive hair growth, not for dealing with priapism.)

If you’re thinking about taking this drug while driving, just stop right there. Also, most people taking this drug find themselves incapable of walking, crawling or singing the works of Cole Porter. Gershwin is ok.

Rare side effects include basket weaving, syncopated urination, frequent urination, explosive urination and occasionally, urination. We recommend you set up an IV BEFORE you take your first dose.

Speaking of your first dose, when you begin taking Lucidiva™, you will experience a clarity of thought and eloquence of speech that makes President Obama look like his predecessor. We apologize to everyone trying to take an MBA, but clearly Lucidiva™ is not for you.

If your skin begins to strobe, consult your physician. If you fingernails burst into flame, put them out, but not with water. That will not work. Trust us on this. Use baking powder, or some kind of halon system. Just hold your breath. If you happen to inhale halon while taking Lucidiva™ we cannot be held responsible. Just make sure your will is up to date.

Very rarely, patients experience visions of aliens, talking monkeys and sometimes, angels. If the latter, it is acceptable to consult a priest.

Finally, if you see the bird, don’t try to talk to it. Don’t even look –

Alltop has heard the bird is the word.

Originally appeared on Grasping for the Wind on October 8.

Taxonomy of things

Taxonomy of Things by lunchbreath
Taxonomy of Things, a photo by lunchbreath on Flickr.

This is extremely helpful, but the taxonomy is not complete. I believe it should also include the following, which can be slotted in existing branches:

  • thingamabob
  • thingamajig
  • junk
  • junk ‘n stuff
  • scraps
  • detritus

And of course, another whole branch:

  • Thing (Adams Family)
  • The Thing (Marvel)
  • The Thing (SF blob)
  • Thing 1
  • Thing 2

I’m sure I’m missing more… you know where the comments are. (Look down.)

Alltop thinks the word “classification” is a little more accurate than taxonomy too. Originally published, March 2012.