Archive | General Skwib

The Bellerephon Problem

a monkey riding a goat

Bellerophon rides Pegasus to do battle with the Chimera

After murdering his brother for eating all the Cheetos, Bellerephon was exiled from Corinth. (A city famed for its Elvis impersonators and epic combovers.)

Then his luck turned. After avoiding the mechanized Probe-a-trons sent by the King of Corinth (aka, Dad) to finish him off, the plucky psychopath found refuge at the city of Tiryns, one of the Mycenaean strongholds of the Argolid. (This means they had a fortress AND indoor plumbing.)

Bellerephon wasted no time getting busy. And so, he was soon accused of attempting to rape the King of Tiryns’ wife, Antea. But the King of Tiryns did not want to kill our “hero” (we are legally obligated to use that term, even though “protagonist” would be more accurate). You see, our “hero” and the king had already shared a meal together, and the gods frowned on the killing of houseguests. (Though not brothers, apparently.) Instead, he sent Bellerephon on a suicide mission to kill the Chimera.

Scraped together from bits of DNA in the lab of Dr. Zeus, Father of the Gods (and a thorough maniac) the Chimera had the body of a goat, the tail of a serpent, the gonads of the Epherian bull, and the head of a lion. Oh, and it breathed fire. It enjoyed terrorizing the villagers of Lycia when it wasn’t violating unsuspecting she-bovines.

Thanks Zeus!

Athena, who in addition to being a god, was the CEO of a major multinational that dealt in common sense, knew that this was an excellent chance to destroy the Chimera. (They’d wanted to move into the Lycian market for years, but their sales force kept getting incinerated before they could ink a deal.) She helped Bellerephon to saddle and tame the mighty Pegasus. (In addition to being able to fly, Pegasus was flame retardant.)

Even this marvellous steed could not save them from the fiery breath of the Chimera. They were doomed. DOOOOMED!

Then Bellerephon had an idea. Using Pegasus as an ersatz dive-bomber, they approached the Chimera, and at the last moment, he threw a massive chunk of lead at the beast’s mouth. Its flaming breath melted the lead, which blocked its airway, and the creature was killed!

And instead of being killed for his attempted rape of Antea, he was lauded as a hero! (Not just a “hero.”) Oh, the sexy parties. The gold. The women. The giant swollen mellon that was his ego.

That’s when he decided to run for public office.

The End

The Fridgularity Buy my latest novel, which is the mythic tale of a chimeric fridge. Available in all formats in all the usual places online:

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Alltop is more of a gorgon-slaying humor aggregator.

The League of Peculiar Gentlemen: The Americans

ohboys by Foxtongue

Not to be outdone by their British compatriots, the North American members of the League of Peculiar Gentlemen were also adept at strapping strange things to their faces.

Perhaps the most famous of the trio, is Larry “The Monocle” Zimmerman, pictured in the middle. The Monacle was one of the first superheroes to appear in the United States, and after he single-handedly defeated the Rodent Armada of the evil genius, Herr Zamboni, the CIA recruited him to the League. His “monocle face” was able to focus his intense self-loathing into a powerful “ennui” beam, causing his enemies to stop whatever they were doing and hang out at jazz cafes, smoke cigarettes, wear berets, and generally make them unable to foment communist rebellion in the Americas.

The other American member of the team (pictured on the left) was Professor Mezmordo, who had invented a headset capable of reading another’s thoughts. The headset was highly experimental, however, and was just as likely to cook the medulla oblongata of his foes as it was to allow the Professor to read anyone’s thoughts. (It also enabled Professor Mezmordo to grow a massive brain tumor in the shape of a second head, which is how he later became the supervillain, Professor Double Noggin.)

The lone Canadian on the team (right) was Roy “The Shelver” McMurphy, and his face-covering did not do anything except obscure his vision, which is probably why The Shelver was the first casualty on the team. However, it was McMurphy who deduced that his girlfriend, Pamela Lipwaxer, was an agent of the Committee for the Advancement of Stalin’s Mustache (CASM); this information was vital in giving the League their first victory over CASM’s hairy plots.

Not pictured: The Mexican member of the team, Don Colitas.

Happy Independence Day to all my friends under the 49th.

Read The League of Peculiar Gentlemen: The Brits.

The FridgularityTo celebrate the holiday, you can get the paperback of The Fridgularity for $3 off, if you buy it direct from Monkeyjoy Press. Use coupon code: YGMVFZZY. Available in all formats in all the usual places online :

Paperback ($15.99)
Amazon.com | Barnes & Noble Amazon.ca

Ebooks ($4.95)
Kindle | Smashwords | Kobo | Nook | iTunes

Alltop is the first casualty of humor. ohboys, a photo by Foxtongue on Flickr. Originally published May, 2012.