Archive | General Skwib

Writing: driving you slowly mad

This is an image of The Isolator, purportedly invented by Hugo Gernsback the science fiction pioneer, and clearly, loon.

I haven’t dug into this, so it’s possible this is a hoax, but at the source website, this madness is taken at face value:

The “Isolator” is designed to help focus the mind when reading or writing, not only by by eliminating all outside noise, but also by allowing just one line of text to be seen at a time through a horizontal slit. via A Great Disorder

As the author at A Great Disorder points out, this “solution” for the problem of distractions perhaps takes the solution a little too far. Only allowing the author to see through one tiny slit seems especially mental. Particularly for those of us who, in the 21st century, have atrophied memories, and are incapable of keeping the previous line in our head. How can we maintain paragraph continuity, let alone the continuity of an entire novel?

I imagine The Isolator is the perfect piece of equipment if you want to write some kind of dadaist masterpiece.

Or, if you suffer from even minor claustrophobia, a complete breakdown.

On the other hand, the air supply arrangement does offer certain possibilities…

Alltop has one of these in its bedroom. Originally published October, 2011.

Ask General Kang: If I say I’m going to be there, but then I don’t show up, does that make me a ‘douche-bag’?

Ask General KangYes. Yes, it does. If you say you are going to be there, but then never turn up, then you are a wanker, pure and simple.

Unless you have a good excuse, of course. It’s best to make them as specific as possible. Here are a few suggestions:

  • my sweater was too itchy
  • my grandmother died unexpectedly in a terrible fruit-topping war
  • I was abducted by the dread Longfinger Bob of Probe-It XII
  • I was trapped in the event horizon of a staff meeting.

Now, as fun and creative as these are, they will only get you so far. You might be able to get away with it once or twice, and claim that you were unable to make it. But sooner or later this ‘late-hare’ behaviour will catch up with you. Even if you try the Koko the Mad’s gambit, which was to just keep shouting, “I can’t believe it’s not butter” every time someone asks you why you didn’t show up.

Eventually, you will lose all your friends, and you will die alone. (And in Koko’s case, slowly and painfully, digested over the course of several years by the Retribution Colon of Yukki VI.)

Or, you could just admit you have a really bad addiction!

Extreme alcohol or drug abuse will excuse this kind of lateness, and even better, get you more attention.

If you ARE habitually late, then perhaps you should think about becoming an addict and hiding behind that cover. For it to be believable, you’ll really need to become an addict, and not just say you are.

Hell, then you could move to Toronto and become mayor.

Next time: I think some kind of alien insect has crawled into my head and is causing me to say bad things. Can you help, jerkface?

Alltop is always on time with teh funny.