Archive | Odd Science

Municipal Investment Strategies for the Technological Singularity

The Technological Singularity

An Open Letter to Town Council

Dear Councillors:

Your town may have an emergency plan, a development plan, a health plan — it may even have a plan for how to fix the potholes (though I doubt it).

But does it have a plan for how to respond to the technological singularity? Is it preparing for all the new economic opportunities? I suspect not.

Now, some have complained that that technological singularity is the “rapture for nerds”, but this couldn’t be farther from the truth. It is the municipal investment opportunity of the ages! Forward-thinking municipal governments can start preparing now, and be ready to reap the rewards of the point in human history when human intelligence is not only exceeded by machine intelligence, but when human intelligence is merged with (or eradicated by) machine intelligence.

You’re thinking: “well, sure I’d love to help get ready for this, but realistically, how do we plan? We don’t even know if regular flesh-and-blood humans will be around to experience the singularity.”

Of course we will!

Ray Kurzweil believes that we’ll be able to model the human brain by 2029, and create algorithms based on those models to allow computers to gain human-like intelligence. But is anyone working on a way for computers to go to bars and get drunk and hook up with other drunken computers so that they can “make a mistake” and then squirt out new computers? I doubt it.

So there you go: invest in light manufacturing. There will definitely be a need for humans to help create our new overlords.

But there’s so many other possibilities! What if the technological singularity is based more on nanotechnology than it is on the gross, large-scale electronics of our current era? Here too, prescient town councils can make good investments for the future. It will certainly be easier for the new machine overlords to replicate themselves in mass quantities if our human immune systems do not fight them at every stage. This leads to so many possible avenues of fruitful research: immune-suppressing drugs, radiation, surgery, bio-engineering, even psychology might (finally) prove itself useful by producing a technique by which humans could allow supra-intelligent nanomachines to use their bodies to reproduce.

We’re only scratching the surface here, obviously.

Many municipalities invest much of their resources in policing and this is an area where they will find huge savings, but only if there is a good interface between humans and our new machine overlords. Apart from the aforementioned research opportunities, municipal governments should begin looking at some kind of cybertronic peace officer corps now, to acclimatize citizens early — after all, an easily controlled citizenry is a productive citizenry! This could be as simple as implanting some kind of control chip in police headgear (hats, caps, flak helmets) to something more radical, such as embedding a semi-live police officers in a mechanical exoskeleton armed with rapid-fire pistols and a loudspeaker-augmented voice.

Municipal leaders should prepare for the darker predictions of how a technological singularity plays out. What if the new machine overlords simply wish to rid themselves of the human population?

There is a simple solution for this problem, and it is summed up in two words: rotating knives.

We’re pretty sure that would never happen, but even if it does, what if you’re the first town to think of it, and sell the process?

Think of the revenue. You could cut taxes. Contact us for more details.

Yours Truly,

Genghis Toon,
Oberdyne Industries, “The Helping Corporation”

Alltop has an investment strategy for funny. Originally appeared on Grasping for the Wind, Aug. 9, 2010. Photo by Planetart via Flickr.

This short piece is included in my collection, Pirate Therapy and Other Cures. You should really get a copy before those knives start a-whiring.

Dr. Tundra Perfects the Whatsit Upgrade

flower close up

This is an extreme close up of a flower, so no outraged emails, please. Photo by Ryan Woolies.

Whatsit 2.0 had been so popular that Dr. Tundra did not waste any time getting started on 3.0. It would be ready by the next quarter.

And then there was the new Danglybit PX he was working on. If he could capture the men’s market and the women’s market at the same time, his practice would grow ten-fold. No, a hundred times!

And the best part was that there was little actual surgery. Most of the enhancements were based on a combination of chemistry and “gentle” electrical stimulation. Yes, they were painful, but quite a bit cheaper than standard surgical interventions.

Did Dr. Tundra wonder why so many people wanted to alter their genitalia?

Not at all; he had re-grown his foreskin during medical school, just to see if he could. And besides, people should be allowed to do whatever they wanted, right? As long as it didn’t hurt anyone else.

Though, the extension he’d done on Mr. Johnson, using the old Danglybit 4.0 program was a bit on the radical side. Still, it was up to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson how they used the added dimensions.

Inspired by: Globe & Mail Story: Designer Vaginas [actual headline] | More Naughty-looking Closeups of Flowers [like the one at the top of this post]. Alltop thinks flowers are purdy. Originally published in 2005. Crazy. Also, happy birthday Georgia O’Keefe.

The unexpected benefits of climate change


Sure, half of Western Canada was on fire, polar bears were evolving gills, and the bee population was fucked, but there were some side benefits to global warming.

As the earth heated, cloud watchers were in for some exciting times. Generally speaking, there were fewer clouds to watch, but when there were clouds, boy-howdy were they interesting.

Right up until the moment they got together, and announced: “”We are the Cloud. Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile.”

You can’t resist Alltop’s funny either. Weird Cloud Formation by GorosArt

Little Cindi Cyborg

cyborg doll

The Little Cindi Cyborg Doll

The best part about the Little Cindi Cyborg doll was that it was a great way to teach kids responsibility.

Not only was each Little Cindi Cyborg semi-sentient, she was outfitted with a hyper-plasma retainer and an ocular implant that allowed her to see into the infrared and ultraviolet spectra — this was especially helpful when playing “hide-and-seek” with the gigantic and ravenous CEOs that roam most planets of the Liquid Fermentation Galaxy.

On the down side, if the child didn’t feed her enough nutrient compound, then the Little Cindi Cyborg doll would become sluggish and whiny — right before she exploded in a hail of platinum implants and gobbets of Clonerrific(TM) flesh.

But once the lesson had been learned, children were ready for a puppy.

Alltop can’t keep a goldfish alive. Originally published in 2007. Genius photo by Bistrosavage