Archive | The Lost PowerPoints

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Battle of Vimy Ridge Edition)

attle of Vimy Ridge -- a painting by Richard Jack
General Ludwig von Falkenhausen presents “The Week of Suffering” (circa April 2-9, 1917) –>slide 2

  • Artillery relentless
  • I’d guess about a million shells
  • Somehow can target our artillery, even though they’re hidden behind ridge
  • We ran out of aspirin, earplugs.

Allied General Arthur Currie presents “Better Creeping” (circa April 9, 1917) –>slide 4

  • first wave attacks behind creeping barrage
  • continuous line of shells
  • improve on what we did at the Somme.

Corporal Gus Sivertz (2nd Canadian Mounted Rifles) presents “Nervy” –>slide 7

  • a macabre dance
  • nerves vibrated
  • thousands of shells, machine gun bullets whizzed overhead
  • advanced over no-man’s land
  • if you put your hand up, you’d touch a ceiling of sound
  • and probably lose a finger or two.

French soldier learns of victory at Vimy –>slide 1

  • C’est impossible!

French soldier learns four Canadian divisions fighting at Vimy with one British division–>slide 2

  • Ah! les Canadiens! C’est possible!

Notes: The shelling at the battle began April 2, 1917, and the battle itself began on April 9, 1917. Vimy marked the first time that Canadian troops fought together on a a corps level, and they took the ridge with casualties of 10,000. Previous attempts to break the strong-point in the German line had cost French and British troops more than 150,000. Vimy is often seen as a defining moment in Canadian national history, and as Pierre Burton wrote in his book on the battle, it quickly attained mythic status. This seems like an appropriate post for Remembrance Day.

Alltop is in the trenches of comedy. Originally published November 2008.

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Ides of March Edition)

Brutus -- the anti-kingJulius Caesar Presents: Won’t Be King (slide 5)

  • Don’t put that diadem around my shoulders
  • Only King in Rome is Jupiter
  • But you can call me King outside Italy
  • What, you got a problem with that?

Spurinna the Soothsayer presents “ooooooo” (slide 1)

  • Beware the Ides of March!
  • Cue the spooky music!

Caesar Presents “What, me worry?” (only slide)

  • Going to speak with the Senate at Pompey’s Theatre
  • You see, soothsayer Spurinna, the Ides of March have come
  • No problem.

Spurinna presents “you’re an idiot” (only slide)

  • It’s the Ides all day, you pillock.

Marcus Brutus presents “anti-king device” (slide 1)

  • Is this a stabby thing you can’t see behind you, Caesar of the Julia?

Marcus Brutus presents “anti-king device” (slide 2)

  • Nope, can’t see it now, ’cause it’s in your back.

Marcus Brutus presents “anti-king device” (slide 5)

  • And again.
  • Thus always to tyrants, even if they may be my father.
Et tu Alltop? Shockingly, originally published in 2006!

The Lost PowerPoint Slides (Winter Festival Edition)

Sunrise at winterThag presents “Less darky!” (circa 11,564 BC) –> Only slide

  • Shortest day in year
  • Less darky after this
  • More light good
  • Pass mammoth rib please!

Catullus presents “Saturnalia ho!” (circa 69 BC) –> Slide 6

  • gifts
  • gambling
  • tomfoolery (masters serve the slaves, nudge, nudge)
  • public nudity
  • the best of times!

Snagur Snarfasson presents “Yule be guessing” (circa 215 AD) –> Slide 3

Julebukking is the best:

  • Disguise ourselves in masks and costumes
  • Carry dead goat’s head in honor of Thor
  • Visit neighbors
  • Scare shit out of them ’till they give us mead.

Origen presents “Nativity schmativity” (circa 245 AD) –> Slide 1

  • Christ is not like some pharaoh
  • Only sinners celebrate birthdays
  • Do you want to be a sinner?

King Richard II presents “Pig out with the Plantagentents!” (circa 1377 AD) –> slide 12

Christmas feast includes:

  • 28 oxen
  • 300 sheep
  • 2000 chickens
  • 1 Yule boar.

Thomas Nast presents “Fat Santa” (circa 1863) –> slide 3

  • Harper’s wants a Santa Claus illustration
  • Everyone else draws him like some emaciated string bean
  • I’m going to make him a fat jolly bastard.
Beautiful photo by Peter Bowers. He has nothing to do (that we know of) with Alltop. Originally published December 2007.

The Lost Power Point Slides (Yanksgiving History Edition)

Thanksgiving Day in the USA

Chief Massasoit presents items NOT supplied for the first Thanksgiving, circa 1621 (only slide)

  • deep-fried turkey
  • cranberry sauce
  • potatoes, white or sweet
  • pie of any kind (there were pumpkins, though).

Pilgrim chef suggests the following harvest feast, circa 1621 (second slide)

  • wild fowl
  • lobsters, mussels
  • “sallet herbs” (whatever they are)
  • black and red plums
  • flint corn
  • venison (thanks to Chief Massasoit and Wampanoag tribe for providing).

Sarah Josepha Hale, editor Godey’s Lady’s Book, presents: Let’s invent a holiday, circa 1854 (slide 3)

  • roast turkey
  • savory stuffing
  • pumpkin pie
  • Indians? What Indians?

Abraham Lincoln proclaims Thanksgiving an annual holiday in 1863 (fifth slide)

  • in the midst of a civil war of unequalled magnitude and severity
  • still, should set apart and observe the last Thursday of November, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens
  • family bickering a part of the holiday — be happy with bickering compared to civil war.

President Franklin D. Roosevelt declares that Thanksgiving would be the next to last Thursday of November, 1939 (second slide)

  • depression sucks
  • can’t advertise Christmas until after Turkey Day
  • this gives merchants a longer period to sell goods before Christmas.

In 1941 Congress decides the last Thursday of November as Thanksgiving (only slide)

  • ‘Franksgiving’ not celebrated by every state
  • Split difference — sometimes Abe’s day, sometimes Franky-boy’s.

Arlo Guthrie presents Alice’s Restaurant Massacre in 1967 (only slide)

  • two Thanksgivings ago helped Alice (great dinner)
  • dumped garbage illegally (dump closed for T-day)
  • got ticket, convicted (had to pick up garbage)
  • no fit serve in Vietnam (and kill a bunch of people) because I was a litterbug.

Happy (a day early) to everyone in the States!

Alltop is stuffed with humor. And walnuts. Originally published, November, 2005. Inspired by:The First Thanksgiving | Alice’s Restaurant | Original photo by Frayed