Archive | Toulouse Le Grandfig

Time Travel Sucks

Nothing worse than the hose

When you asked him, Bertie had trouble telling you what he most disliked about time travel.

Obviously, having to arrive in each new era stark naked was not the most pleasant experience. It usually meant having at least a few embarrassing moments (though it could occasionally have its upsides, such as the time he dimensionally slipped into that alternate reality where women had the same psychosexual visual response to nudity the way that men did in his reality . . .)

He was bothered that he could not change history, obviously.

He’d taken Causality 101 in college, and was fully conversant with the Heisenberg-Lurie equations relating to the Novikov self-consistency principle. Even so, he’d tested this idea by trying to kill Hitler. (Every first-year time traveler tries to kill Hitler at least a couple of times.) Yes, not being able to alter history was bad.

Then there was the HOSE.

Alltop considers itself a hoser. Thanks to Whatsthatpicture for the historical snap. Originally published in 2007.

E-nnui

Robot and sky

Toto the Bio-Sphere Demolition-Bot wondered what it was all about. Did life really mean anything? There had to be more to existence then the senseless destruction of countless inhabited worlds.

Maybe it was time for Toto to settle down. Find a nice Species Eradication-Borg and construct a family of Cybertronic Death-Bots equipped with plasma field generators.

Or maybe he should write a novel.

Maybe you should READ a novel? Got a few from which to choose!

Alltop is also feeling a little blue. Originally published December, 2008.

Red Juggernaut, circa 1906

mad scientist with robotDoctor Hans Christian “Liver-and-Favva-Beans” Malifico standing next to the prototype of his first business mechanical, the famous Red Juggernaut, Mark I (with claw and hook attachment).

Though it would be several years before he founded Juggernaut Business Mechanicals (JBM), and at least another decade before the technology was available for his “chainsaw and boom stick attachments”, Dr. Malifico had already changed the world. The Mark I was perfectly capable of terrorizing the two dozen cheese-making Flems at the Annual Limburg Stench-Fest, thus giving the hated French — his client — the chance to win the Palm de Pong with their inferior, though admittedly eye-watering Roquefort.

In the 1960s, the Red Juggernaut (Mark XX) became JBM’s best-selling business mechanical. Though primarily used to terrorize non-compliant nation-states, evil overlords have found many other uses for the Red Juggernaut.

Modern business collections agencies have found it especially effective, and it is a standard piece of equipment in hostile takeover bids.

Put a bid in on some of my surprisingly robot-friendly long fiction!

Alltop also has world-takeover plans. Thanks to Foxtongue for finding this Belgariffic photo. Originally posted March 2009.

Star-crossed lovers

The being had crossed all of known space to find her, Lola LaBozla, the smartest woman on Earth. It had tracked her from Earth orbit using the prototype of her own wearable artificial intelligence unit and spaghetti cleanser (AIUSC), that while bulky, had a certain caché and definitely worked with her fish-net stockings. Of course, she realized right away that a being from another star system was using the AIUSC to track her movements, and she was intrigued. Who was this person? Was it a person, or was it some kind of hive mind that inhabited a pile of pasta bacterium?

She was relieved to discover that it not only an individual, but he had a form that was more or less humanoid. She felt this was further evidence of the Anthropic Principle. He had two arms, two legs, and a giant mouth in the middle of his face that had possibilities. His reflective bug-like eyes and claw like hands were a little off-putting, but she was encouraged by the size and girth of his cranium.

She just hoped he wasn’t too attached to the shower cap.

Laying off the pasta? Read some of my long fiction — guaranteed gluten-free!

Alltop is never without its ablutions hat. Originally published, October 2011.