Lucinda at the Laundrette of Shattered Hope

Lucinda was a dreamer. She was also stuck in a clothes dryer.Lucinda was a dreamer. Someday, she knew that her Mom would return with the waffle iron and say she was sorry; perhaps even share her delicious recipe for Translucent Liquid Essence of Bran.

She watched as Betsy came back to the Launderette of Shattered Hope, carrying a sack full of soiled turnips that she liked to cook in the dryer next to Lucinda’s (on fluff for about an hour, and then ten minutes on high heat).

Some of the other inhabitants of launderette didn’t like the sound the turnips made as they bashed around inside the genuine Tagmay industrial-strength dryer (and cappuccino maker), but it made Lucinda think of tumbling bags of cats, and furnishings, and a time when she wasn’t sitting in a pool of her own sweat.

Oddly, it made her yearn for the days when her Mom would make potato-flavoured expectorant. That Betsy!

Alltop enjoys properly dried turnip. Originally published October 2006.

Salathial Turgid, Hanging Judge

Salathial Turgid, Hangin' Judge

The O’Reilly Boys finally caught up with Old Judge Turgid at the Annual Pecos River Ride and Chili Jamboree. Salathial had hung their older brother Seamus “The Tinkle” O’Reilly just the year before and they were plum angry.

But Old Judge Turgid, he didn’t mind none. In addition to having a giant noggin’ that made his ten-gallon hat look like a Boston dandy’s bowler, Salathial Turgid had a legendary intestinal track capable of containing the very vapors of Hell.

He knew it. The O’Reilly Boys knew it. And the terrified denizens of Pecos knew it.

So when they put the Colt up against his temple, he laughed and said, “Boys, the only thing keeping my sphincter shut is my continued vo-lition. I’d give you the count of ten to va-moose but I suspect one of the town-folk will kill you first.”

Thanks to Michelle Jones for her creative photo and to the Hole-in-the-Mattress Gang. Originally published February, 2008.

A romance for the ages

A romance for the agesIt began simply.

He was out on his morning rampage when he crashed through the front gates of SeaWorld.

She was doing the 10 am show, trying to keep her spirits up while simultaneously pleasing her human masters and keeping the male dolphins from gang raping her.

It was love at first sight; she was drawn to his chiseled good looks and stylish shoes, and he instinctively knew that she would not like fire.

As the crowd fled in abject terror, she knew he would free her from this horrific prison. She jumped into his arms as he approached the tank, and he smiled as he felt the coolness of her scales on his hands, the warmth of her hand on his face.

It all went so well until lunch.

Alltop loves fish too! Thanks to Foxtongue for the pic. Originally published March, 2009.

With Great Fez Comes Great Responsibility

Iron Dobbin

Long before Giuseppe Del Balso invented cross-dimensional rift surfing, full-frontal time travel, or the pleasures of Zoot, he had many adventures, riding through the Italian countryside on his iron Dobbin.

Though invented to teach children how to ride a horse, the iron Dobbin was not exactly the most comfortable or speedy ride — that is, until the precocious young Giuseppe got his hands on it. Supercharged and enhanced with the electro-fuel that would later start the War of Pasta Memes in the Horse Head Nebula, the iron Dobbin was capable of great speeds. He once rode it from Padua to Otranto in an astonishing three hours and forty minutes. (He lost his trademark fez* in a near collision with Mussolini’s station wagon outside a gelato stand in Brindisi.)

Though greatly enhanced in speed, the genius-child was unable to do anything about the gut-churning gait of the iron Dobbin, nor prevent the jarring motion that cost him several molars, a testicle, and indeed, his sanity.

*the lost hat was later replaced by his trademark SUPERFEZ.

Alltop lost its sanity years ago. More on the iron Dobbin here.