Dominus Vobiscum

After the disastrous Papacy of Benedict XVI, all the secret societies decided to go a different way with the new pontiff.

Schematic for RoboPopeThe Freemasons were keen to start putting their new genetic engineering technology to use, and so create some kind of freakish monstrosity that would be a continued impediment to population control. They were shouted down by the Illuminati, who were excited about the possibilities of having the first artificial pope.

The Priory of Sion and the Jesuits were in agreement a change was in order, but they could not agree on doctrinal issues (though the Jesuits had half a candidate in mind); the Vril Society was totally useless, proposing it was now time to introduce their alien masters to the world in the form of a scaly lizard-like beast called Todd.

The Creeping Dread Society felt it was time for some sort of cephalopod to hold the office, and the Skull and Bones felt that this was Jeb’s time.

In the end, they opted for a mixture of approaches — with considerable help from Sony — and the first RoboPope was introduced to the world.

Alltop hopes to one day be a Bishop of Death, and know the Latin phrase for “The Lord be with you”. Originally published October 2010.

Everyone’s a critic

Most Unconvincing Bear Award-winnersHank didn’t care that act had won the Most Unconvincing Bear Award six years running. He had been practicing on his flugelhorn, and he was sure that this season would be different.

The crowds were going to love the new routine: the breathtaking flugel-glissandos, the ursine feel to the dance, and his hat. God, they were going to love the tassly bits on his hat.

Carl had no such illusions. He did, however, pray for the sweet release of death.

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Alltop loves tassly hats. Thanks to Foxtongue for the pic. Originally published April 2009.

The Halloween Feast of Madness Bird

women eating hallucinogenic  turkey with pumpkin-headed man

Say what you will about Marge and Delia, but they served a mean turkey dinner.

Sure they might have been witches. Sure, they tended to use a little too much salt when they were cooking. (Probably from all the dehydrated eye of newt, which is very high in sodium, but they could never seem to find it fresh.) Sure, they had a questionable living arrangement, vis-à-vis men with pirate shirts and pumpkins for heads. (Who may or may not have been called Angus McGourd.)

Put their peyote stuffing (with pine nuts and dried) cranberries was delectable.

Alltop likes a little LSD in it’s mashed potatoes. Disturbing photo via Twisted Vintage. Originally published October, 2010.

Star-crossed lovers

The being had crossed all of known space to find her, Lola LaBozla, the smartest woman on Earth. It had tracked her from Earth orbit using the prototype of her own wearable artificial intelligence unit and spaghetti cleanser (AIUSC), that while bulky, had a certain caché and definitely worked with her fish-net stockings. Of course, she realized right away that a being from another star system was using the AIUSC to track her movements, and she was intrigued. Who was this person? Was it a person, or was it some kind of hive mind that inhabited a pile of pasta bacterium?

She was relieved to discover that it not only an individual, but he had a form that was more or less humanoid. She felt this was further evidence of the Anthropic Principle. He had two arms, two legs, and a giant mouth in the middle of his face that had possibilities. His reflective bug-like eyes and claw like hands were a little off-putting, but she was encouraged by the size and girth of his cranium.

She just hoped he wasn’t too attached to wearing the shower cap.

Alltop is never without its ablutions hat. Originally published, October 2011.