Archive | Toulouse Le Grandfig

Camusic of the Spheres 

kermit smokingThe dreams had returned, again, and no amount of coffee and cigarettes could keep their influence at bay.

The ennui was crushing at times, and even talking with an outrageous French accent would not help.

He thought of his days in the theatre. Oh, the crazy antics they’d get up to behind the proscenium. His torrid affair with the La Belle Cochon. All of the strange creatures that inhabited his world back then seemed like a forgotten summer’s holiday: it was a feeling. The intimation of sunlight glinting off his green skin… pretty girls in crinoline … absinthe parties under the panoply of the Milky Way. And so many more wisps that could be regrets if he could only recall what they were.

He was hollow. A shell. A cipher and an entertainer. These things he could be certain of, but nothing else.

Except that he always smelled of bacon.

Alltop is hammy.


Leonides and the papier-mâché spatula

lady wakes up to discover she's a velocoraptor

Gregorina awoke that morning feeling stranger than usual. She’d had vivid dreams of ravaging Leonides, their local butcher, with his own meat tenderizer.

In the dream – or perhaps it would do her good to think of it as a nightmare – Leonides seemed to enjoy the beginning of his beating, but when he realized it was not an overture to a more gentle form of lovemaking, and in fact, the beginning of the end of his life, he cried out in existential anguish: “Oh no! Not with the mallet I use to prepare scaloppini, not such an ignominious and ironic end for poor Leonides!” (Clearly, Gregorina’s unconscious suspected that Leonides had taken an English degree before learning a more useful trade.)

As she dressed, Gregorina could not shake the image of the butcher’s terror, spurting blood, and excellent prices on Bavarian blutwurst.

And all day, she kept having to floss.

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Alltop loves weird couponing.

Daisy, Daisy, Call on the Cthulu

daisy Stagbys riding four-seater bike with three Cthulu

At first, everyone was really excited when Daisy Stagbys joined the Brighton Cycling Society. She was young, hot, and had a four-seater.

And then, when she suggested that she had some “friends” who would love to be involved, they were thrilled. (Membership had been in decline for years.)

But something about the new members made everyone a tad uncomfortable. Especially Jeremy Cthulu. (Pictured riding above the rear wheel, just before he devoured the soul of Mira Tendercones in a cloud of black aching dread.)


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Paperback ($16.99) | Barnes & Noble | Or get $3 off, if you buy it direct from Monkeyjoy Press.

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Alltop is filled with black aching funny. Photo via Twisted Vintage. Originally published April, 2010.

The Disney Gang

They called themselves the Disney Gang, despite the fact that two-fifths of their members were clearly aficionados of the Popeye milieu.

In fact, Chester “Popeye” Doyle was their leader; he did a crack impression of the pugnacious cartoon sailor, and liked to bludgeon enemies with a pillow case filled with cans of spinach. Barry “The Duck” Trepanning did an excellent impression too, though this made him completely incomprehensible during the high stress moments of their many bank jobs and shootouts. During the Mud Lick Massacre he did a classic Donald Duck freak out that had the cops in stitches, even while Detective Sergeant Reynolds bled out. Both of the mice were menacingly quiet, and police were never able to identify the bodies, so we don’t even know who they were.

And of course Reggie “The Wimps” Testeron, like their hero Walt, thought arson was hilarious.

Alltop is a firebug of comedy. Awesome photo via Twisted Vintage. Originally published September 2010.