The O’Reilly Boys finally caught up with Old Judge Turgid at the Annual Pecos River Ride and Chili Jamboree. Salathial had hung their older brother Seamus “The Tinkle” O’Reilly just the year before and they were plum angry.
But Old Judge Turgid, he didn’t mind none. In addition to having a giant noggin’ that made his ten-gallon hat look like a Boston dandy’s bowler, Salathial Turgid had a legendary intestinal track capable of containing the very vapors of Hell.
He knew it. The O’Reilly Boys knew it. And the terrified denizens of Pecos knew it.
So when they put the Colt up against his temple, he laughed and said, “Boys, the only thing keeping my sphincter shut is my continued vo-lition. I’d give you the count of ten to va-moose but I suspect one of the town-folk will kill you first.”
Thanks to Michelle Jones for her creative photo and to the Hole-in-the-Mattress Gang. Originally published February, 2008.
It began simply.
He was out on his morning rampage when he crashed through the front gates of SeaWorld.
She was doing the 10 am show, trying to keep her spirits up while simultaneously pleasing her human masters and keeping the male dolphins from gang raping her.
It was love at first sight; she was drawn to his chiseled good looks and stylish shoes, and he instinctively knew that she would not like fire.
As the crowd fled in abject terror, she knew he would free her from this horrific prison. She jumped into his arms as he approached the tank, and he smiled as he felt the coolness of her scales on his hands, the warmth of her hand on his face.
It all went so well until lunch.
Alltop loves fish too! Thanks to Foxtongue for the pic. Originally published March, 2009.
Long before Giuseppe Del Balso invented cross-dimensional rift surfing, full-frontal time travel, or the pleasures of Zoot, he had many adventures, riding through the Italian countryside on his iron Dobbin.
Though invented to teach children how to ride a horse, the iron Dobbin was not exactly the most comfortable or speedy ride — that is, until the precocious young Giuseppe got his hands on it. Supercharged and enhanced with the electro-fuel that would later start the War of Pasta Memes in the Horse Head Nebula, the iron Dobbin was capable of great speeds. He once rode it from Padua to Otranto in an astonishing three hours and forty minutes. (He lost his trademark fez* in a near collision with Mussolini’s station wagon outside a gelato stand in Brindisi.)
Though greatly enhanced in speed, the genius-child was unable to do anything about the gut-churning gait of the iron Dobbin, nor prevent the jarring motion that cost him several molars, a testicle, and indeed, his sanity.
*the lost hat was later replaced by his trademark SUPERFEZ.
Muffy and Cuddles were pretty sure they had the math right, but they had a lingering worry that the explosion might ignite the Earth’s atmosphere.
On the other hand, the cat was certainly never going to bother them again.
No cats were harmed in the making of this post. Alltop was, just by linking to them. Originally published in 2009.