The Giganto-Schism

giant woman in fountain

The Giganto-Schism occurred sometime just after the establishment of the Trans-Vatican and the first RoboPope, Clagnor The Irrefutably Lethal. (This was during the first years of the Genetic Fruit-Topping Wars).

While the people of St. Tropezia were somewhat bemused by the dire calamities promised by the Trans-Catholic Church, they found themselves drawn irresistibly to the gigantic women of the saucy little planet, and formed the Giganto Creed.

In particular, they loved Our Lady of the Massive Legs and Leopard Skin Camisole (particularly when she was bathing).

The Giganto-Schism further widened when the Victoria Secret Galaxy joined the Corporate Imperium, and they unleashed their first catalog of “Euretro-Genita Coverings for the Monumental Goddess” collection upon the unsuspecting Trans-Vatican.

And when the RoboPope discovered that several of his Death Cardinals of Extreme Planetary Retribution kept copies of the catalog under their mattresses, the church never recovered.

Alltop also has big dreams. Originally published in 2007. Photo by Odegaard

Time Travel Sucks

Nothing worse than the hoseIf you asked him, Bertie could never really tell you what he disliked most about time travel.

Obviously, having to arrive in each new era stark naked was not the most pleasant experience. It usually meant having at least a few embarrassing moments (though it could occasionally have its upsides, such as the time he dimensionally slipped into that alternate reality where women had the same psychosexual visual response to nudity the way that men did in his reality . . .)

He was bothered that he could not change anything. He’d taken Causality 101 in college, and was fully conversant with the Heisenberg-Lurie equations relating to the Novikov self-consistency principle. He’d even tested this idea by trying to kill Hitler. (Every first-year time traveler tries to kill Hitler at least a couple of times.) Yes, not being able to alter history bothered him.

Then there was the HOSE. He hated the HOSE.

Alltop considers itself a hoser. Thanks to Whatsthatpicture for the historical snap. Originally published in 2007.

Film History 2035E: Yer Whippin’ It, Pilgrim: Critical Analysis of Devonic Headgear in Classic Hollywood Westerns

John Wayne wearing Devo hat

2 baffling lecture hours and a 1-hour tutorial in which your TA will try to make sense of it all

This course will examine, through critical analysis of the films of Ford, Sturges, Peckinpah and Whoopzingo, the counter-temporal influences of the 80s-era rock band and religious cult, Devo. Theatrical discussion of Devonic Headgear as described in the writings of writings of Marx, Gramsci, and Foucault will round out the contextual framework of this important topic.

Alltop whips it funny.

Austria, 1912

The Uber-Musik Boys

Though they outsold the proto-fascist jazz stylings of The Pillage People four-to-one, the Über-Musik Boys never quite managed to make the big time. Even though they started the whole Lederhosen Thrash scene, most of them had to take on menial jobs milking goats and persecuting small animals to make ends meet.

Young Adolf, in particular, was embittered.

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Some members of Alltop are also bitter. Thanks to Foxtongue for finding this pic. Originally published, February 2009.