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Ask General Kang: Do you think we should ban tasers?

Ask General KangI believe that tasers are a barbaric technology. Not only are tasers an excruciating way to kill people, it seems to me that you should be using some kind of non-lethal stunning weapon.

A taser is supposed to be a non-lethal stunning weapon.

Well, there is clearly a PROBLEM. If police forces around the world are willing to give me their tasers, I will pass along the technical schematics for a number of non-lethal devices that my Uber-Ape-Jackboot-and-Miniskirt Paramilitary Forces (and dance troupe) have used quite effectively to subdue the great unwashed populace.

The Amplified Kazoo:
Amplified kazoo music is brutal. I once knew a bonobo who’s atonal rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Fargentina” could drop a brigade of gorilloids armed with broadswords.

Electro-accordion
While not quite as painful as the Amplified Kazoo, Electro-accordions can work as non-lethal weapons, and are especially effective means of crowd control with young hipsters. Warning: does not work anywhere people listen to zydeco, the Paris metro, or at Irish sessions. This is most effective when deployed by an armada of angry uber-chimps with no sense of rhythm.

Doom-worms:
On Mephitis VI, there is a kind of multi-appendaged gut worm that can emit a high-pitched whining sound, which is a combination of noise similar to a mosquito’s buzz and about 100 overtired children stuffed into a mini-van. If amplified, the sound will pop the eyes out of any primate. Warning: Handle this creature with care; each appendage of the gut worm is capable of delivering a neurotoxin that causes bits of your face to fall off and necrotize rapidly into a bubbly goo that smells worse than the Stench-Beast of Vomitus XII.

What are you going to do with all those tasers?

Oh, I have uses for them.

Next time: How do I fit “tab a” into “slot b” if all I can find is a multi-dimensional “thingy c”?

Alltop is the tab a of humor aggregators. Originally published November, 2007.

2 Comments

  1. Glad you like. No doubt I’ll be quoting Cats next.

    Actually, I was nervous about writing this – the poor Polish guy who was killed in Vancouver is still very much in everyone’s mind. But satire spares none, right? m.

    p.s. The video of the man killed by the RCMP is here, but be warned, it’s pretty hard to watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_IJqdL40lvU

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