I believe that tasers are a barbaric technology. Not only are tasers an excruciating way to kill people, it seems to me that you should be using some kind of non-lethal stunning weapon.
A taser is supposed to be a non-lethal stunning weapon.
Well, there is clearly a PROBLEM. If police forces around the world are willing to give me their tasers, I will pass along the technical schematics for a number of non-lethal devices that my Uber-Ape-Jackboot-and-Miniskirt Paramilitary Forces (and dance troupe) have used quite effectively to subdue the great unwashed populace.
The Amplified Kazoo:
Amplified kazoo music is brutal. I once knew a bonobo who’s atonal rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Fargentina” could drop a brigade of gorilloids armed with broadswords.
While not quite as painful as the Amplified Kazoo, Electro-accordions can work as non-lethal weapons, and are especially effective means of crowd control with young hipsters. Warning: does not work anywhere people listen to zydeco, the Paris metro, or at Irish sessions. This is most effective when deployed by an armada of angry uber-chimps with no sense of rhythm.
On Mephitis VI, there is a kind of multi-appendaged gut worm that can emit a high-pitched whining sound, which is a combination of noise similar to a mosquito’s buzz and about 100 overtired children stuffed into a mini-van. If amplified, the sound will pop the eyes out of any primate. Warning: Handle this creature with care; each appendage of the gut worm is capable of delivering a neurotoxin that causes bits of your face to fall off and necrotize rapidly into a bubbly goo that smells worse than the Stench-Beast of Vomitus XII.
What are you going to do with all those tasers?
Oh, I have uses for them.
Next time: How do I fit “tab a” into “slot b” if all I can find is a multi-dimensional “thingy c”?