It’s Global Handwashing Day, so live it up! This is that day that you are allowed to wash your hands with soap and water. At all other times of the year, this is not permitted. If you desire to wash your hands on other days of the year, you will be allowed to use two of any of the following to accomplish the task:
- carbolic acid
- Diet Pepsi (all it’s good for really)
- acetylene torch
- live bait (of any kind)
- leaf of Toxicodendron radicans
- your own mucus
- fecal matter (any species)
- Budweiser (because drinking it is like making love in a canoe)
- chili peppers
- masticated wads of tobacco
- Red Dye #6
- Holy Water
- molten lead.
(I recommend a light sanding followed by lashings of carbolic acid. I once tried Holy Water, but it just burns too much.)
You can learn about Global Handwashing Day from the official site.