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Ask General Kang: If I say I’m going to be there, but then I don’t show up, does that make me a ‘douche-bag’?

Ask General KangYes. Yes, it does. If you say you are going to be there, but then never turn up, then you are a wanker, pure and simple.

Unless you have a good excuse, of course. It’s best to make them as specific as possible. Here are a few suggestions:

  • my sweater was too itchy
  • my grandmother died unexpectedly in a terrible fruit-topping war
  • I was abducted by the dread Longfinger Bob of Probe-It XII
  • I was trapped in the event horizon of a staff meeting.

Now, as fun and creative as these are, they will only get you so far. You might be able to get away with it once or twice, and claim that you were unable to make it. But sooner or later this ‘late-hare’ behaviour will catch up with you. Even if you try the Koko the Mad’s gambit, which was to just keep shouting, “I can’t believe it’s not butter” every time someone asks you why you didn’t show up.

Eventually, you will lose all your friends, and you will die alone. (And in Koko’s case, slowly and painfully, digested over the course of several years by the Retribution Colon of Yukki VI.)

Or, you could just admit you have a really bad addiction!

Extreme alcohol or drug abuse will excuse this kind of lateness, and even better, get you more attention.

If you ARE habitually late, then perhaps you should think about becoming an addict and hiding behind that cover. For it to be believable, you’ll really need to become an addict, and not just say you are.

Hell, then you could move to Toronto and become mayor.

Next time: I think some kind of alien insect has crawled into my head and is causing me to say bad things. Can you help, jerkface?

Alltop is always on time with teh funny.