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Ask General Kang: How do you keep your New Year’s Resolutions?

ask general kangThat question assumes that I make such foolish promises to myself.

As you are well aware, to be an intergalactic overlord requires a certain self-discipline, an ability to focus the mind and cleave to the task(s) at hand, a certain ruthless approach to interspecies relations and personal hygiene. So, it is entirely within my capabilities to keep to New Year’s resolutions, if I made them.

However, I am an enlightened, higher being, so I have not saddled myself with some lower being’s agenda. (Such as conforming to some kind of ideal body weight, forcing myself into behaving in a socially acceptable way, reducing my intake of rum-laced banana splits, and so on.)

Also, I don’t want to change. For these things to be successful, you really have to want it. (Either that, or have an intergalactic overlord there to be your “coach”.)

On that subject, while marooned on Earth I am available for a modest fee, but there is a waiver you must sign first.

Next time: Beer, wine or scotch? What’s the best thing to drink while bombarding an enemy planet with plasma weapons.

Alltop has vowed to make you laugh this year. Originally published in January, 2009.


  1. I’ve been looking for a new life coach.

  2. You know, if I could stop forcing myself into behaving in a socially acceptable way, maybe I’d be better qualified for a position as overlord.

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