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Ask General Kang: How do I keep my two-year-old son from killing his mother (my wife)?

Ask General KangFirst off, you probably need to untie her and let her run away from the frisky little tyke. Oh and stop giving him knives to play with. By the way, you know you’re ripping off “Stewie” from The Family Guy?

No! No, you don’t understand! He has some kind of freaky mental power.

I’m sorry, you’ll have to be more specific. What, like telekinesis? Is he mentally tossing javelins at her? Or does he have some kind of super-charged suggestive ability, coercing her to hang herself or jump out of ten-story windows?

Oh my God. He has some kind of heat-beams flashing from his eyes! He’s just incinerated the cat. Can’t you help?

Now you’re plagiarizing Superman. (Not that he ever played crisp the cat.)

Good Lord! He’s metamorphosed into some kind of gigantic insect. He’s bitten her head right off!

You’re kidding me. Kafka? I’m not answering your question, you hack.

Next time: Where do you stand on this whole pirates-versus-ninjas thing?

Alltop has a superpower. Unfortunately, they share it amongst 100s of bloggers. Originally published March 2009.