Naked Fire Luge
Though not as dangerous as skurlington, naked fire luge, is, in many ways, a much more exciting sport for the viewer. The luge run is ringed by fire on both sides, and there are massive pools of napalm behind each of the curves. The highly flammable gelatin is held safely behind the concrete shoulders, except for a thin celluloid membrane near the top of the berm. If an athlete takes the corner too high, the membrane rips, which in turn releases the napalm, which is ignited by the flre at the top of the run.
For added excitement and visual appeal, the entire race is run stark naked and at night. This should also give the doubles event an added frisson. (Though we hope it also encourages more mixed doubles teams. Not that there’s anything wrong with the traditional two-man luge thing — we’re looking at you Germany.)
Pictured: an unsuccessful fire luge run. Fire pic by rvr.
Bottomless Ski Jumping
This event is technically not for the athletes, but a chance for countries to improve their standings in the medals. A standard ski jump is fitted with one bottomless pit at the end of the run. (Winter Olympic committees, we’d recommend ACME Bottomless Pits for your supply.)
Participants can be voluntary, or those “selected” by a country’s Olympic committee; we would suggest that this event is best served by having unpopular politicians take part.
Medals are awarded on the basis of who does the LEAST screaming on the way down. Gold only awarded to total silence, and probably the only way we can get some politicos to shut up. Thanks to D. Bartholemew Lurie for this suggestion.
Though not as fast-paced as skurlington, Explo-Curling more than makes up for it in sheer tension.
A standard game of curling is played, except each team is given one rock — indistinguishable from the others — that is a powerful explosive device rigged to explode on violent contact. They do not know which rock, and neither does the other team.
Skips are fitted with explosive belts set to blow at the same time as any rock on the ice sheet, giving them a stake in the game, and really making them think about those takeout shots. Thanks to Mike Rayner for this suggestion.
As always, more refinements and suggestions are welcome in the comments!