Skip to content

Ask General Kang: If you were running the World Cup, would you ban the vuvuzela?

Ask General KangFirst of all, we should explain what a vuvuzela (pronounced vu-vu-zay-la) isn’t. It is not, as it sounds, the delicate private parts of a female Venezuelan sex dancer. It is a long, brightly colored plastic horn that can only be played in one pitch.

And it is delightful.

I would never ban it. Ever. In fact, I’d find a way to weaponize it. You see, you’re forgetting two things:

1) on my homeworld, Neecknaw, where I was undisputed and much-feared ruler for some time, some of my favourite forms of weaponry were sonic in nature. I still get a little evil thrill whenever I consider the Tune Brigade, a cadre of genetically modified baboons capable of carrying and playing the excruciating über-tuba. (I used them in the assault on that smug little ice world, Fofth.) Here are some of my other personal faves:

The Amplified Kazoo:
Amplified kazoo music is brutal. I once knew a bonobo who’s atonal rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Fargentina” could drop a brigade of gorilloids armed with broadswords.

While not quite as painful as the Amplified Kazoo, Electro-accordions can work as non-lethal weapons, and are especially effective means of crowd control with young hipsters. Warning: does not work anywhere people listen to zydeco, the Paris metro, or at sessions of Irish music. This is most effective when deployed by an armada of angry uber-chimps with no sense of rhythm.

On Mephitis VI, there is a kind of multi-appendaged gut worm that can emit a high-pitched whining sound, which is a combination of noise similar to a mosquito’s buzz and about 100 overtired children stuffed into a mini-van. If amplified, the sound will pop the eyes out of any primate.

2) Soccer is a ridiculous game; what kind of self-respecting primate would want to spend that much time upright, kicking around a ball?

You’re just jealous of human bipedal locomotion.

[Sob] It’s true. It looks so elegant.

Next time: I have just broken the egg for my Tyfragian omelet, and there seems to be some kind of miniature civilization in there. How do I fold that properly?

Alltop thinks the accordion is sexy.