Skip to content

Ask General Kang: How should I pick an eyebrow shape?

Ask General KangGenerally speaking, there is an eyebrow shape that works with every type of face. If you are an über-chimp with a large cranial ridge, for example, then a properly shaped eyebrow can make or break your face. (I’m speaking metaphorically, of course. Everyone knows that über-chimps have especially thick carapace-like skulls, and a prominent cranial ridge makes that their faces virtually unbreakable.)

You’ll probably want to go with a sharp edged brow that accentuates your beautiful and sexy bone head.

If you are some kind lesser monkey, and don’t have delightfully heavy skull topography, you’ll need to do something to attract those other simple simians. I suggest a nice arched eyebrow, preferably drawn in with some kind of thick and sticky black wax. (This will work even if you’re one of those freakish white apes we’ve been hearing about all season.)

Keep a close eye that no stray hairs ruin the lovely effect you’re going for with your eyebrows. I would recommend obsessive tweaking and pulling of hairs (it’s best if you can rip the follicle root right out at the same time, but sometimes a simple trim will have to do.) Tweezers are effective, as is fire. Avoid wax at all costs! It will rip out all your facial hair, not just the long greasy eyebrow hairs you are trying to shape.

If you have recently evolved and don’t have the manual dexterity to apply fire or steel, I recommend visiting an accredited beautician. (All of them on my home planet of Neecknaw used state-of-the art plasma torches for their brow work.)

What if I’m a human?
Oh, then you’re so hideous I can hardly see the point. Still, there might be some principles in there to try:

  • work with your face shape
  • apply lots of thick waxy black paint
  • and don’t forget the plasma torching!

Next time: What should I do if I’m trapped in a hyperbolic chamber with a trumpet player?

Alltop thinks you have lovely eyelashes. Originally published October, 2010.