Everyone keeps giving me crap about my gift to Jesus, the Son of God, the Messiah, and King of Kings.
“Isn’t myrrh basically perfume for mummies?” these ass-clowns keep asking me. “Is that an appropriate gift for a BABY?”
Look, first off you have to realize that I planned to bring gold.
But Caspar called dibs on that. Fair enough, I thought, he is the “Keeper of the Treasure” or whatever those freaky Chaldeans call him. I don’t know. Those people have some weird habits. Ever heard of doing the Chaldean Donkey? But they have lots of gold, and Caspar is wealthier than Croesus.
So I thought, no problem. I’ll give Him some nice Frankincense. That stuff rocks. I would wear it every day if it didn’t make me smell like a Babylonian prostitute. But then I found out that bastard Balthazar already had a pearl-encrusted, gilt box filled with the stuff.
“WTF Balthazar? I was going to give The Messiah Frankincense.” He just flipped me off. That Balthazar is an Indo-Parthian twat, and a show-off to boot. Pearl-encrusted, my ass. We said one gift.
I was happy to represent though. I mean, of the three magi sent from the East, I was the only one who was a real magi. I went to Zoroastrian High, did my undergraduate degree at Azura University and my doctorate at the prestigious Zoroaster School at the University of the Great Whore of Babylon (a party college, but the program is well respected.) Without me those tools — who are kings and members of the high caste, but who never finished their basic studies — wouldn’t have even found Bethlehem. I mean, they couldn’t even identify their own asses, let alone The Star.
Myrrh, for those in the know, is one of the most holy of essential oils, which is why those decadent Egyptians use it for their mummification rituals. And yes, it’s a little bitter, but really, I have to object to the freakin’ hymn:
Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume
Breathes a life of gathering gloom;
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying,
Sealed in the stone cold tomb.
It’s about salvation, not just death and dying. It’s meant to represent that He was going to help us rise above death again. AND it’s got freakin’ medicinal values. Suck on that gold!
But I must admit, I probably shouldn’t have given it to Him in a lamb’s bladder. That was taking the symbolism too far.
Bestow the gift of satirical fiction!
Alltop loves a good lamb’s bladder cup. Originally published in 2010.